Three Months

I can't believe she is 3 months old already. There still aren't words to explain the joy she has brought into our lives. I love my husband even more watching how he is with her. I am in awe of how much my sons love her.

You would think that adding a 4th child would be more work, but it has turned out to be the opposite. They love helping with her and are so proud of her being their little sister.

At her 3 month check up, she was 14lbs 4oz and 23.5inches long and in the 90% for weight and the 25% for height. Considering she was in the 5% for weight and 20% for height when she was born, she is growing REALLY well. I am still loving breastfeeding. This time around we have gone pretty much full crunchy AP, though we are doing vaccines. Cloth diapering is working out great for us. I can't believe I ever used disposables! Bella is rarely put down. She is normally in someones arms or being worn, as a result she almost never cries (part of that I am sure is pure luck in getting a happy baby). She smiles all the time, until I take out the camera, then she refuses. She is laughing and cooing now too. Everyday brings something new and even though she is our 4th, it never gets old.

Whole

A little over a year ago I wrote this post about being broken and coming to terms with the fact that I would never have another baby. Little did I know, just days later Arabella would be conceived. On Superbowl Sunday I found out she was on her way, I was terrified and the pregnancy was long and scary. But here I am, writing this post with a sweet sleeping little girl on my chest.

2011 was not an easy year, but it left me infinitely blessed. My family is complete, my heart is full.

Swedish Baked Rice

I have been meaning to share this for a long time, it is an old family recipe that my father and I have been adapting/perfecting for years. It's hard to describe it. It is not overly sweet or custard like, it's delicious!

Swedish Baked Rice

2 cups rice
4 cups water
2 tbsp butter
2 tsp salt

Put all in pan, bring to boil, reduce heat, cover and cook til done.
Prepare the rice the night before and cool.

In another bowl mix together:

2 cups milk
3 eggs beaten
3 or 4 tbsp sugar (My dad likes is sweeter and leans to the 4-5 tbsps, I like less.)
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp nutmeg

Add cooled rice.

This will look a little like rice pudding. Pour into large baking dish. I suggest not too deep or this will take FOREVER to bake, I do a larger shallow one. Bake covered at 350 for 45 mins, uncover and cook an additional 15. This is a temperamental dish and cooking time will vary. Should be set and not soupy all the way through.

Since we are a large family this feeds 6-8 heartily. I normally have to double it for family gatherings.

And the Winner is..................

Comment number 12!
Barbara P said...
I havent been since I was a kid and my kids have never been!!!

Congrats!

Ringling Bros. ® Presents DRAGONS

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Contest ends 12/23 at 11pm, so hurry!

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For more information on the show, visit
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We'll see you at the show!


"In exchange for my time and efforts in attending shows and reporting my opinion within this blog, as well as keeping you advised of the latest discount offers, Feld Entertainment has provided me with complimentary tickets to Feld shows and opportunities to attend private Feld pre-Show events. Even though I receive these benefits, I always give an opinion that is 100% mine."

WTF Happened to Compassion?

This subject is painful and personal for me, so I am going to get ranty and leap up on a soap box.

I am talking about the Duggars and the insane comments I am reading about their pregnancy loss.I have actually had to unfriend a few people in the last few days over this. The comments are sickening.

If you read my blog, you know I was in the same place she is almost 5 years ago. I lost a baby at the same gestation. For those of you who didnt know Michelle Duggar was almost 20 weeks with what turned out to be a little girl, when she found out her baby passed away. She ended up delivering the baby at home.

Reading comments like the vicious ones aimed at the family takes me back to the pain I went through. You arent just sad, you don't love your other children any less by grieving this loss, your world is shattered.

I had three children when I lost Kai, it didnt make the pain any less. I would imagine having 19 wouldn't make it any less painful either. To comment that this was a warning from God or that her body is telling her no more, is just plain bullshit.

Pregnancy loss (and for the love of God, this was NOT a miscarriage) can happen to any mother, at any time. I went on to have 5 more losses before being blessed with Arabella. Thank God no one else gets a say in my fertility.

Maybe you don't agree with the Duggars' choices, and that is fine, this is a free country. But when a family is grieving the loss of their child, just say "I am sorry" and shut the hell up.

So much...

has happened in the last few weeks I haven't had a moment to formulate a blog post.

When Arabella was 5 weeks old, right before Halloween she spent an entire day screaming, SO unlike her. That night on a hunch I took her temp, she didn't feel that warm, but low and behold she was 100.8. Ped told us to go to the Children's hospital. It didn't even occur to me we would be admitted. The boys never had a fever that young. It was not fun, she had an iv, blood tests, and a spinal tap. All together we were there 2 1/2 days. She was perfectly fine and only had a small virus. The hospital we stayed in was awesome. They allowed her to cosleep with me and nurse the whole time without interruption. I was so scared, but so thankful that she got great care and is healthy now.

Sweet Bella is now 7 weeks and weighs 10lbs 4oz as of last week and 21in. She is a happy little chunky monkey and we are all even more smitten everyday.

Now for our other drama...

About a three weeks ago I had 2 molars pulled. Afterwards I started feeling like I had something stuck in my throat, I thought it was just trauma from the dental surgery, but it kept going. I didn't think about it while Bella was sick, but when she got home I noticed it was still there. I was worried it was strep so I had it checked. The doc I saw thought it might be anxiety related and seeing how I had been through so much stress and have an anxiety disorder, I thought it was possible. But the same anxiety had me worried it was something more. I went to an urgent care center that is set up like an ER. They did an xray to rule out foreign bodies, it was clear. So they ordered a CT scan, which showed a goiter and diffuse shotty cervical adenopathy (the node issue they reason was from the dental issues). So they ordered a thyroid ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a multinodular goiter, with 2 nodules smaller than 1cm, one of them is on the anterior which is why I can feel it. All of my labs are normal, thyroid levels, cbc, liver, kidney, everything clear. Hell they even tested me for stds. So now I am faced with trying to find someone to examine the nodules with my insurance running out in 2 weeks. In that time frame.

I am hoping to see a surgeon this week. Not sure if I need a biopsy, surgery, hormones, or what.

I am scared. One of my big anxiety triggers is a cancer fear. The odds of it being thyroid cancer are low, but I am struggling with anxiety all the same. The doctor gave me Ativan and said it was safe with nursing, but I feel guilty even thinking about taking it.

Nursing is another issue. Sadly, some of the treatment options for the thyroid would mean I have to wean her. I am worried about that too, since she wont take a bottle at. all. But of course she needs her mommy healthy, so I will do what I have to do.

Please pray I find a way to get the care I need before my insurance runs out and that it is NOT cancer.

One Month Old

She is wiggling in my arms as I type, I could get drunk from just smelling her little head. I sit snuggled with her most of the day. When I am not holding her, daddy is.
Nursing is going amazingly well. I love her happy gulps followed by her contented sighs. I love that she has gained almost 3lbs in four weeks, purely on what she is getting from me.
Sweet little Bella has brought joy, so so much joy. My heart is so full it could burst, the sky is bluer, the sun warmer, everything is wonderful.
I look back now on all the losses, the pain, the scary pregnancy, and it was all worth it.
I am so very thankful for our little miracle.

Sibling Love

Following every "congratulations" I get asked if the boys are jealous. The answer is not at all. All three boys love their sister, even at their young age, they have witnessed what we have been through and know what a miracle she is. Jordan and Isaiah tell my they are soooo happy to finally have a sister. She is doted on and kissed gently all the time. It melts my heart, but nothing as much as Noah's absolute adoration of her. It's beyond love. You never know what to expect with autism. He was excited about the pregnancy and was the only one to ask to feel her kicking, so I had hope that he would know how to be gentle and could understand how tiny she would be. Nothing could have prepared me for how he instantly and intensely bonded with her. The look on his face says it all.

Who has time to blog, when I have this sweet face to snuggle and look at all the time. I can't believe tomorrow she will be 3 weeks old!

First Bath

In true Arabella fashion, she fussed for about 2 seconds and then relaxed and enjoyed it. I love her so much.

Thankful

I couldn't bring myself to blog about this while it was happening, but if you follow me on twitter or fb you saw the updates and pleading for prayers.

In the hospital Bella was deemed "perfect" and I could finally breathe after 9 months of wondering if we made the right call skipping the amino. At her first in office check up the doctor noticed that her butt crack looked "off". I had noticed too, but remembered all three boys looking a little weird too, mostly because they were all so skinny they had no butt fat. She pointed out that it could be a sign of spina bifida or tethered cord syndrome, but said not to worry, we would just watch and see...Uh NOT what you want to say to a mother in the throws of postpartum anxiety. We ended up seeing almost all the doctors in our large practice over the course of a week. The consensuses was that there was a very very very small chance it was either of those things, but for peace of mind we would so a spinal ultrasound and xray.

Taking pity on my train wrecked mental site, they got her in very quickly at the hospital with a pediatric radiology dept.

I was crying by the time I got there...

The scan itself was nothing, Bella slept through it. Unlike pregnancy ultrasounds which I can read now, I had no idea what I was looking at. I stared at the screen, gently stroking her cheek with tears rolling down my cheeks. Techs are not supposed to tell you what they see, but this tech was a mother of an infant too and let the word normal slip a few times and even let me know she didn't think xrays were needed.
After consulting with the doctor, they decided to go ahead and do the xray because we were there and it would just back up their findings.

I got the call that afternoon, both tests were NORMAL.

I cried and praised God. I am so thankful. So very.

Since then we have been nailed with news that normally would have sent me into a panic mode (financial), but now? Really? It doesn't matter. I have my 4 healthy children and an awesome husband. The rest will work out.

Arabella Zoe

It's hard to explain, after 37 weeks, this pregnancy was surreal. Even after hundreds of doctors appointments, too many ultrasounds to count, and listening to her heartbeat every night, part of my brain struggled to comprehend that we were having a baby, a girl no less.

After my 36 week appointment at the high risk, I started to feel off. Contractions picked up and I felt sick and dizzy. I ended up back in l&d, thinking once again, it was nothing and I would be going home in a few hours. Arabella was doing well on the monitors, but me? Not so much. My blood pressure has jumped from 110/74 earlier in the day to 155/116. They thought it had to be a mistake and tried taking it over and over, but it was still high. The contractions were coming every 2-3 mins, but were doing nothing. I was admitted and given magnesium sulfate, hoping it would stop the bp and the contractions...

Once I was diagnosed with preeclamsia, I thought for sure they would do the csection, but no. I spent a LONG week in the hospital, it was hell on my anxiety, but it was totally worth it. My bp spiked again and since I had finally hit 37 weeks, they finally decided it was time.

Arabella Zoe arrived via csection at 9:59 am on 9/25, 5lbs 15oz and 19.5 inches. She is tiny, but strong. She is just about the prettiest baby ever. I am so over the moon in love. We all are. We only put her down to sleep and that is reluctantly. Watching the boys love her is just amazing. I haven't written about her birth until now, because there are just no words that can explain our joy. Not sure there will ever be enough to tell.

36 weeks

*ignore the awful hair! I went and got it done after this picture.

Wow. I have now officially past when I has Isaiah too. I am starting to think she is in this for the long haul.

Which now isn't so long.

At our appointment on Thursday, we were expecting to see a 6 1/2 lb baby based on the measurements from 32 weeks when she was 4lb 9oz, but she was only 5lb 8 oz. Not a terrible size at all, considering the boys were all small too (well not Jordan so much he was 6lb 6oz at 35 weeks), but her growth dropped from the 55% to the 24%. If you remember I tested for a possible NT defect early on and that test can also be an indicator that the placenta will break down prematurely, that seems to be happening. There is still great blood flow and there isn't calcification so far, but they are not willing to risk pushing the pregnancy past 38 weeks.

I am 10000% inclined to agree.

From what I know right now, still waiting to hear from surgery scheduling, the csection date should be 9/30, unless I go into labor on my own before then. I had my last (THANK GOD) P-17 shot, most say 7-10 days after the last one labor begins. I will be 37 weeks and term then, so BRING IT ON.

Honestly, if my water broke right now I would be very relieved. I am worried about her, as I have been the past 36 weeks. I just want her safely in my arms. Again they told us she has a lot of hair and big lips, I can't wait to see her.

35 weeks

Weight still about the same, I go up a lb and down a lb. I go for my last p-17 shot on Thursday and after that she is free to come! To say I am grouchy is a minor understatement. So ready for this baby girl to get here, but really want to avoid the NICU so I hope she hangs in for 2 more weeks.

34 weeks ALMOST THERE!

For a long time 34 weeks has been a mental goal for me, if we could just get there, I was convince we could get to 36 possibly 37 weeks.

Here we are 34 weeks!

She scared me again last week, by failing an NST. Thankfully she aced her biophysical profile and follow up NST. She seems to be growing right on tract still and my drinking horrifying amounts of water has worked because my fluid went from 8, to 12, back to 15 again!

I lost back three of the pounds I gained last week, the doctors are really happy with the fact that I have maintained a level of loss and not gained. I have to admit it's pretty cool to still have my wedding rings on and be able to see the bones in my feet at almost 9 months!

Arabella is head down and working her way lower by the day, my slight waddle has turned into a full blown waddle/shuffle. I SHOULD be off of modified bed rest and pelvic rest next weekend! It's been a long 3 months, TOTALLY worth it, but it will be nice to ehem...resume normal activities.

Her movements are so different now, there are still pokes, kicks, and hiccups, but added in now are feet sticking out, and shift that make my whole body shake! I love every minute of it! Though I can't wait to get her safely into the world and in my arms, I am trying to savor this time, knowing this is MOST DEFINITELY THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER BE PREGNANT.

The boys are getting more excited, they love feeling her move. Noah asks constantly, "What is Arabella doing now?", he also makes sure I feed her plenty so she can grow.

We are about to put her car seat in the van so we aren't caught off guard if she does come early (learned from experience, trying to help hubby lock in a seat 2 days after a csection is PAINFUL and since I am the one who took the installation classes, I have to help!). It's a little mind blowing that if she comes when Jordan did, she would be here is SIX DAYS! Isaiah was only a week after that.

Deep breaths.

33 weeks

I have been a little behind in updating, I have basically reached the omg is it over point in pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I don't want to have her for 3-4 more weeks. Though if she follows after her brothers, she could be here in less than 2!?!

As you can see in the above picture I am HUGE. At my 32 week appointment she measured 4lbs 9oz, which is just a bit above average. I was shocked! I was hoping she would be 3 3/4 or 4lbs, for perspective, Isaiah was 4lbs 6oz at my 35 week ultrasound and was born the next week at 5lb 4oz. So she is def on track to be bigger than her brothers.

As for my hugeness, the weight loss came to a screeching halt a few weeks ago and we started to climb the other way. I am still 7lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight though. The weight is all in my belly and enormous boobs. I am okay with it though, she is gaining rapidly and looks fantastic.

I have been having issues with my fluid levels, they started falling and dipped to 8 (after being at 15) and we were worried that they would continue to fall. I started pounding water, to the terrifying amount of 6-8 LITERS a day. I have also been soaking in the tub everyday. It worked! Fluid jumped back up to 12.4. So if I can keep this up we are good.

I started classes online, not sure what made me think this was a good idea, because clearly it's not. I can't even formulate a simple blog post. I am taking two computer classes that are VERY similar. I keep confusing them.

And the winners are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the Hair Cuttery $50 gift card the winner as determined by random.org is

teetsels said...

A hair cut and some products for the kiddos.

August 16, 2011 8:17 PM
Congrats Teetsels!

And the winner of the 4 pack of Disney on Ice- Dare to Dream tickets is...

Christina Larsen said...

Kali loves aladin!

Congrats Christina!!

Winners please email me with you information as soon as possible.

For those who didn't win, please remember
I can offer my readers a special $11 ticket price (good for ALL
performances) on opening night, Friday, September 9 at 7:30 pm; Saturday,
September 10 at 3:30 and 7:30 pm; and Sunday, September 11 at 1 and 5 pm.
Simply visit the Amway Center box office or Ticketmaster and use promo
code “MOM11” at check out!!
**Note, this price isn’t good for Front Row or
VIP seats, limit 6 ticket per purchase. For more information on the show,
visit the Disney on Ice site.

Thanks to all who took part!



“I am a Feld Family Ambassador, and in exchange for my time and efforts in attending shows and reporting my opinion within this blog, as well as keeping you advised of the latest discount offers, Feld Entertainment has provided me with complimentary tickets to Feld shows and opportunities to attend private Feld pre-Show events. Even though I receive these benefits, I always give an opinion that is 100% mine.”

Win a Disney On Ice Enchanted Experience from Hair Cuttery

As the momma to be of my first daughter this sounds like SO much fun!

Disney On Ice and Hair Cuttery have teamed up to bring you an enchanting offer. The Disney On Ice Enchanted Experience includes a shampoo, blow dry and princess finish at your local Orlando Hair Cuttery salon, and a special savings on Disney On Ice merchandise ($5 value). Once you’ve purchased your tickets to Disney On Ice presents Dare to Dream in Orlando from Disney On Ice , add the Enchanted Experience to your order for just $20!

In order to purchase, look for the Enchanted Experience offer on the Review Page of your online ticket purchase. The enchanted package is also available for purchase at participating Hair Cuttery salons. It can be redeemed at select salons in the Central Florida area.* Visit www.HairCuttery.com for a more information.

I am so excited to be able to offer you a chance to win a $50 gift card to Hair Cuttery. You can use to purchase an Enchanted Experience, the services of your choice, or both at your local Hair Cuttery! To enter simply leave a comment and tell me what you would use the $50 on.



*Appointments not accepted. Please call in advance to determine wait time. Limited to children ages 12 & under.






“I am a Feld Family Ambassador, and in exchange for my time and efforts in attending shows and reporting my opinion within this blog, as well as keeping you advised of the latest discount offers, Feld Entertainment has provided me with complimentary tickets to Feld shows and opportunities to attend private Feld pre-Show events. Even though I receive these benefits, I always give an opinion that is 100% mine.”

Disney On Ice presents Dare to Dream Giveaway!

I am sooo excited about this giveaway. As many of you know Noah LOVESSS the Disney Princesses, all of them. He heard a commercial for this show on the radio and lost his mind.

Disney On Ice presents Dare to Dream is coming and here is a chance to win four free tickets!

"Get tangled up in the newest thrilling show to hit the ice, Disney On Ice
presents Dare to Dream - the first Disney On Ice show to play the new Amway
Center. Experience Disney’s hilarious hair-raising escapade, Tangled; as
Rapunzel, her unlikely companion, Flynn, and Maximus, embark on an
uproarious journey that takes adventure to new lengths! Boogie to the beat
of the bayou with Princess Tiana and Prince Naveen from The Princess and the
Frog, in a magical, musical journey that all begins with a fateful kiss.
And fanciful dreams become reality as Cinderella meets her Prince Charming,
with a glass slipper fit for an unforgettable fantasy come true. All your
favorite princesses take to the ice in a spectacular finale at the ultimate
Disney Princess event of a lifetime! Experience the beauty, sparkle, and
spirit when Disney On Ice presents Dare to Dream comes to your hometown!"


Now for the fun stuff!

I can offer my readers a special $11 ticket price (good for ALL
performances) on opening night, Friday, September 9 at 7:30 pm; Saturday,
September 10 at 3:30 and 7:30 pm; and Sunday, September 11 at 1 and 5 pm.
Simply visit the Amway Center box office or Ticketmaster and use promo
code “MOM11” at check out!!
**Note, this price isn’t good for Front Row or
VIP seats, limit 6 ticket per purchase. For more information on the show,
visit the Disney on Ice site.

And the best part! I am giving away four free tickets to the show at the all new Amway Arena (we haven't been there yet and are so excited to check it out). To win simply visit Disney on Ice with your children and leave a comment here about which princess they are most looking forward to seeing! The contest will end August 26th at 11:59 pm. One entry per household please.


“I am a Feld Family Ambassador, and in exchange for my time and efforts in attending shows and reporting my opinion within this blog, as well as keeping you advised of the latest discount offers, Feld Entertainment has provided me with complimentary tickets to Feld shows and opportunities to attend private Feld pre-Show events. Even though I receive these benefits, I always give an opinion that is 100% mine.”

A Scare

On Friday Arabella wasn't moving much, none of my normal tricks were working I even tried eating sugar, but she didn't want to move. So I ended up in l&d, not long after she was on the monitors she started wiggling away, so I figured we would be out of there pretty fast.

Sigh.

The nurse on duty didn't think Bella was being reactive enough to the movements, meaning her heart rate was too steady. I later found out it's totally normal not to have those fluctuations until 35 weeks. She sent me down for a biophysical profile, which is a detailed ultrasound that checks for fetal movement (3), tone (2), fluid, and practice breathing (15-30 seconds) in 30 minutes. Bella had been moving up a storm for 2-3 hours and then on the way to the ultrasound, NOTHING. I watched the ultrasound screen and she wasnt moving at all. The tech shook my belly, had me change positions, and still not a wiggle. She did eventually give us 3 little wiggles, but no movements showing tone. She did practice breathing which is awesome. I wasn't that worried because she had been kicking earlier. I did however start to notice there was not much fluid and when it came time to measure it, I saw the numbers and they were NOT good.

Upstairs we waited for the results and when they finally came, they were exactly what I thought, Bella was fairly stable, but there was nearly no fluid. We were going to stay over night to be monitored and redo the ultrasound in the morning. If fluid levels were indeed that low, Bella could be coming MUCH sooner than later.
My mind raced with how we would handle the NICU again and silly enough if I would miss the boys first day of school.

As a side note, sleeping with monitors on is IMPOSSIBLE.

Bella got really active overnight and into the next morning. She did the movement and tone portions of the test within minutes and I noticed WAY more areas of fluid. His measurements were WAY higher than the night before. She didnt practice breathing long enough, but they were not concerned as she had 12 hours earlier and at 31 weeks that is normal. When we got up stairs again, the nurse came in and said the tech called her and said that he had no idea what happened last night, but there was plenty of fluid! They said depending on the babies position, they can shove all the fluid to the back and it is not visible. She had indeed totally changed position overnight.

MAJOR relief.

We went from worrying about delivering soon, to just waiting til my next doc appointment to be seen.

I was so happy to be home in my own bed. The only issue I have going on now and have for several days before all this is severe rib pain on my right side. It feels like they are broken! I am carrying SUPER high, the top of my uterus is touching the middle of my ribs. There is just a ton of pressure upwards and no relief in site since Arabella does not seem remotely interested in going head down or even hanging out anywhere near low.

Four and a half to six more weeks to go. EEK.

30 weeks

I am in the homestretch, if she comes when Jordan and Isaiah did, she will be here in 5 to 6 weeks (I am hoping for 7 more weeks) THAT IS ALL!

Holy heck!

In someways it feels like minutes away, in others, it feels like forever.

Like any normal hormonal pregnant woman, I am spending my days watching Baby Story, sobbing like a fool. In between sobbing over not having the food I am craving. Right. That. Minute.

I have finally let myself start to think about her birth. Arabella actually BEING here. After all we have been through, it seems so surreal that I will able to hold her in my arms and see her face. I am trying to prepare myself for the overwhelming emotion that will come when she is born. It's all so overwhelming. I am scared and excited. Just praying these last few weeks are smooth sailing and she is born healthy.

29 weeks and summer break is almost over

I am thanking God for both of these things. Arabella is growing and getting strong! Her kicks shake my whole body and as my ultrasound yesterday she weighs 2lbs 14oz. I am hoping and praying she continues to grow at this pace.

I had a little scare with cramping and contracting that ended me in l&d. There were concerns about her heart rate and fluid, but the ultrasound cleared them up pretty quickly. I am on vistaril for the contractions, which makes me sleepy and semi-drunk and antibiotics for the uti that they think caused all of this to start. I was also diagnosed with an irritable uterus, something I had with Jordan and Isaiah, which contributed to them coming early. The p-17 shots are keeping my cervix long and closed for now and that is a good thing. I am supposed to be taking it easy, something that doesnt exactly happen when 3 boys are home from school.

Speaking of school... THEY GO BACK in less than 2 weeks. YYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!
Ahem.
Not that I don't love having my boys home and spending time with them, but mama is TIRED. Also I can't keep feeding them at the rate I am. Our grocery bill has gone up HUNDREDS a month over this summer. They eat like shipwrecked pirates. All. The. Time. I am not going to lie, so do I. I can't believe how hungry I am this around. I keep going up and down .5 lbs, but basically I am down 21 lbs for pregnancy despite eating 10 meals a day.

Baby Gear

I am a pretty low maintenance kinda mom. We are not getting a crib set, heck we aren't getting a crib. Arabella will be in the adorable pack and play my sister got us, until she out grows it. We have the usually travel system (also from my sister, she is crazy generous) and clothes (a lot, damn girl stuff is cute!). We are planning on using cloth diapers and I REALLY hope to breastfeed.

You would think with kid number four, I would have all this down, but a lot has changed in the 6 years since I had Isaiah! I am thinking we will need a swing and a bouncy seat, but I am wondering about how these will work around 3 rowdy boys and a 1yo lab.

I think the swing will be fine, but I can't fathom putting her on the ground in a bouncy seat. Milo is the sweetest dog, he would never hurt anyone or anything on purpose, but he is huge and still a puppy and doesn't quite know his own size.

So mommas with dogs, is it worth it to get a bouncy seat?

And since I am rusty let me know your baby gear must haves!

High Risk Update and 27th week

I mentioned in the last post how nervous I was about her growth scan. I was pretty much in a full panic attack by the appointment and of course it was mobbed and I had to wait f.o.r.e.v.e.r. But once I was back there it was totally worth it.

Miss Arabella had not only grown, but mostly caught up to where she should be! She is about 2 lbs and we could even see that she has he daddy's lips.

getting bigger
It's amazing to think that I only have 8 or 9 more shots (get them weekly) to go and she can safely be born! My baby shower is this weekend and I am so excited! Pics of course to come on Monday.

Week 26

I have been pretty lazy about keeping a pregnancy journal on here.

People warned me that being pregnant with a girl messes with your face. I was all NOOOO that just an old wives tale.... uh yeah notsomuch.

Things are still going pretty well.

Arabella is getting bigger and stronger all the time. When she kicks now, my belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly. I look hella jolly.

I am feeling overall good. Still holding with weight loss of 18 lbs. I am tired and get winded from walking to the mail box, which hubby finds hilarious. This pregnancy in mid-thirties thing is nothing like pregnancy in your early 20's!

I go for another growth scan on Monday. I get really nervous about these. That positive NT test I had could also be an indication of placental issues, that can slow growth. She has been measuring on the smaller side with consistent growth, but I am trying not to worry since the boys were not exactly bruisers and hidden all this fluff is actually a tiny person. I am really hoping they let me catch a peek of her in 3d this time!

I still have to pinch myself a lot to know that this is real. That there is a baby inside of me kicking away. It's fantastic.

My Thoughts on the Casey Anthony Debacle

I am local to this story, for three years I have heard almost daily reports. Little Caylee's face will forever be etched in my brain. Just about the same age as my youngest, my heart was crushed when it was announced she was missing, then again later when they found her body.

I judged her mother, unable to understand how someone doesn't report her child missing for 31 days, all the while partying it up and smiling.

I was ready for the trial to start, so this could all be over. I found myself glued to the tv watching pretty much the entire trial. Waiting...for some form of proof from either side of what happened. Maybe a glimpse into the mind of a woman who potentially killed her small child. Morbid, I know, but I think all mothers wonder, HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

The problem was proof never came. While I couldn't stand listening to her pompous ass of a lawyer, he was poking small holes of reasonable doubt into the state's case and the state's case was weak to start. They had nothing. No cause of death, no DNA, no finger prints, NOTHING to prove how or when she died.

I felt a sense of trepidation when they announced the verdict was ready. As much as the mob mentality in the court of public opinion had seeped into my brain, I couldn't say that the state had shown those jurors enough to convict her. IF she was found guilty, it was not formed from evidence, and that would have been a failure on our systems part. Still, jurors are human and it would be very hard to be in their place and manage to be completely objective.

When three not guilty verdicts were read back to back. I felt conflicted. In my mind the system worked. The state failed to meet the burden of proof. Plain and simple. However, there will be no justice for that little girl now. Her mother, whether she killed her or not, didn't report her missing for a month, and no one will ever know what happened to her.

This is how our systems works. Like it or not. It is meant to protect the innocent and sometimes it means that even if WE think a person is guilty as sin, the courts will not agree.

*Have to edit to add:
NO the jury could not have convicted her of child neglect, abuse, improper disposal of a body, or failure to report a death, because those were NOT charges brought up by the state. The state chose to pursue felony murder/death penalty charges. This is not the jury's fault. They had seven charges to consider, four of which were lying to the police, the other 3 were all murder charges. THAT IS IT.

Adding even more, if these jurors decide to never reveal themselves, that is their right. They blood hungry media and public want the names to be made public so that they can relentlessly attack them and make them the focus of public anger. SUUURE sign me up for jury duty.

A New Look

And no I don't mean my ever expanding belly, boobs, and nose...

I am no longer just a mom to three boys. I am a mom of three boys and soon to be a little girl. No, we weren't trying for a girl, we never were, but I am pretty damn happy about it. Little things that I never thought about keep popping up in my mind; daddy daughter dances, ballet classes, little pony tails, and tutus. I cried like a baby watching Cake Boss of all things, the other day, when he danced with his daughter at her first communion. Of course we aren't Catholic, but you get my point. Do I think Neil would have been a happy complete father without those moments? Of course, but my heart leaps when I think about him getting to have them. Just like I would have been fine getting pedicures alone forever, but now I will have a potential salon buddy.

Annnddd I am rambling. My whole point is my blog is changing. We wont be all the color blue and missing the toilet stories, though they will still be there. I am not sure it will stay as it is right now. But TADA!

It's Real

Arabella is getting stronger, I sit here on the couch typing this and she is kicking the crap out of me and I love every second of it. Tomorrow we will officially hit viability. I dreamed of feeling kicks again for 6 long years. I though that dream was never going to come true, so many losses stole it away.

So far, all of our other tests and ultrasounds are looking good. She is active and responsive. We finally got the shot we have been trying to of her spine and it showed "no noticeable defects" which is fantastic news.

My house is filling up with little pink outfits and blankets. Neil and I stare at our closet in wonder. PINK, it's a girl and she is growing more by the day. In about three months will go from a family of five to a family of six and will finally be complete.

The One Where I Whine Like a Bitch

There are days weeks as a mom that I just fail.

This is one of them.

I try not to be a negative blogger. Not that I hide the bad, because I do share my pain and loss, but I try not to rant and rage all the time. I also try to not wallow in the struggles of raising a child with Autism, but today I am not only wallowing, I am rolling in them like a pig in slop.

We knew Noah's adjustment to being on summer break would not be easy, daddy even took the first week he was out of school off to help him adjust. Didn't think about that just delaying the adjustment. We had a fabulous time last week Noah was an happy go lucky dude. Daddy went back to work and now it's like Pandora's box has been opened. Destruction, compulsive behavior, and screaming. Add the stress of stitches and two different dental appointments and he is nuclear.

But it's not just Noah...

My other two sons, who are perfectly "normal" children do nothing but fight and complain all day. I have tried everything. Forcing them to be together or apart. Stressing to Jordan that is NOT okay when he hits his little brother who is less than half his size. Grounding, screaming, begging, positive reinforcement, nothing helps.

I am so tired and drained. The worry for this pregnancy and Arabella, the fact that we can't pay our bills right now, trying to keep the peace among the boys, it's all too much. I want to be able to relax and enjoy this time. I know that isn't realistic with three kids home for the summer and another one on the way. I am just breaking mentally AGAIN.

The shots I am on to keep Arabella in, are NOT helping my mental state. They are doing a fantastic job of keeping her locked in tight where she belongs and for that I am very thankful. But emotionally and physically its like pregnancy and menopause all rolled up into one ball of fun.

So excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

Life is Never Dull Around Here

We planned a relaxing weekend around the house, grilling and lazing about. It was going well too...

I had my 20 week appointment with the high risk doctor on Monday morning, Arabella still looks great. She was a bit difficult when they tried to get clear shots of her spine (which is what we need). They did get some shots of it, but got much clearer ones of the heart, brain, and belly, all look normal. I go back in three weeks for another check of her size and spine. So far so good, I am praying she is okay and will be born perfectly healthy.


After the appointment, I came home and we got ready to have some friends over for a bbq. The food turned out great and the adults were all sitting down to eat when I heard a big CRASH. Neil was in the hall and yelled that Noah broke a window... I jumped up (as fast as a fat pregnant chic can jump) and yelled to Neil asking if Noah was cut, as I got to the room he calmly said "yes". Since he was so calm I didn't freak out, til I looked down. OMG the blood! I could see right away this was going to be an urgent care trip. I grabbed a towel, wrapped his arm, slipped on flip flops, got my keys, ran out the door with Noah, telling everyone I would call with an update. Thank God there is an After Hours Peds place less than 3 minutes from my house. Within ten minutes of the cut, he was numbed and watching a movie. I LOVE that place. He ended up with 16 stitches. The cuts are AWFUL. Noah handled the stitches like a champ and I totally give the amazing staff credit for that. He is still sore, but coping okay. I wasn't in the room and it's not easy to get info out of an autistic child, but from what I gather he was stimming (hand flapping) because he was upset, and basically smacked the window. Which matches up because the cuts are on the top of his forearm.
I feel so bad for him. Tomorrow is the last day of school and he can't swim or go to the beach for 14 days!

I can't believe the school year is over. Normally, I am more than ready for it. This year my wallet is, I am spending an INSANE amount of money on gas getting them to school. The rest of me is a little sad, all three boys have thrived this year and are enjoying school. I really hope next year is as wonderful. Also I am so tired, I pray I can keep up with them all summer!

Oh Crap... I am Clueless

I have mentioned before that my middle son, Jordan, is by far my most sensitive child. He is easily hurt crushed by things my other two brush off. So when I went to pick the crew up from school today and saw two beaming faces above two HUGE bright foot necklaces, and one crestfallen face above no necklace, I knew I was going to have a problem.

The end of the year PE awards were given out. Isaiah (the youngest) was 1st place, fastest kid in the entire Kindergarten class. Noah given the 1st place prize for the ESE students (which let me say I LOVE that they didn't try to make him qualify with the other classes, it's just not fair). And Jordan was 5th place for ALL of second grade. Which in my opinion ROCKS since until this year he was crippled with severe asthma and is still working on his lungs.

The hard part? 5th place didn't get a cool necklace, they just got two charms. He was heartbroken. He really worked his butt off this year, I know he did, he came home sweaty and exhausted every track day. He feels like a failure and that his hard work was for nothing. Which to me, is nuts! It means that with the exception of 4 kids he was the fastest! With my asthma I was always LAST.

I feel helpless. I want to praise them all and tell them I am proud, but Jordan miserably says he doesn't deserve it. I snuggled, hugged, talked, and fought my own tears. He still cried.

Thank God daddy came home to save the day. He talked to him and they are going to train this summer so he can be even faster next year. Daddy made him a necklace out of all the charms he earned through out the year and it was almost as cool as his brothers. (the kids earn charms for meeting the amount of goal laps a week, they are hideous plastic feet, but are like gold to the kids)

He seems better now, but I was shaken. How do you handle it when some of your children succeed and others struggle? When some win a prize and the others dont?

The News I Really Didn't Want to Hear

I kept telling myself once I got the blood test results from the NT scan, I would relax. I would be able to fully embrace this pregnancy and be excited about this little girl arriving. I was warned when they took the first draw that I would be at higher risk for neural defects because of Kai and my weight. But really? I totally forgot. I didn't think for a minute that the results would be anything but normal.

I called Friday to get them and was told the nurse couldn't give them to me until the doctor reviewed them, BIG red flag. They never called back on Friday. Yesterday morning the nurse called to check if the doctor had called me yet, now I am getting really scared. An hour or so the nurse calls back, explaining that the doctor was too busy too call, but the results were not great. My odds for trisomy and downs were actually much better than the ones for my age, age gave my 1:1000 and 1:592, both came in at 1:10000. Great.

The bad news? My odds of an open neural defect? 1:87. Normal is 1:1000, the bottom line for a positive 1:145. After losing Kai to an open NT defect, I was crushed. I couldn't stop crying.

A little info, I found yesterday: If you have a child with an open NT defect you have a 2-3% chance of having a repeat. If you have a BMI over 39% (yeah I am admitting my fatassness) you are 2.9 times more likely to have an NT defect.

This test takes those odds into account, it is not just based on your blood test. With those odds, I could have had a 4-5% chance of having a baby with an NT defect. The odds this test gave me? 1.2% Not THAT bad, I guess, logically.

The logically is the key here. Anxiety disorder, takes a crap on logic and sends me spiraling into total freaking despair and panic.

Luckily, I am already a patient of a high risk doctor and was able to get in ASAP for ANOTHER level 2 ultrasound to double/triple check her well being. I can't say enough about my high risk office. SUPER pleased with how they handled my melting down self. We got the tech that handles the scary stuff, she was mostly quiet, measuring the head, brain, belly, and spine over and over from every angle. She said on this type of scan, they wait for the doc to give the all clear, but that I should be leaving there relieved.

After waiting a while for my regular ob doc to FINALLY fax the actual blood test results, we went in to consult with the doc. I saw it on the screen myself. NO FETAL ABNORMALITIES seen. She is growing well and looks perfect. He was comfortable with the results and unless I REALLY wanted amnio, he didn't think it was worth the risk or needed. (I am at a higher risk from doing amnio as I have had premature rupture of membranes three times and preterm labor)

His plan is to continue as we were, see him and have an ultrasound every 2-3 weeks and non stress tests weekly after 8 months. We are going to watch her closely and make sure she continues to grow and nothing wrong appears as she gets bigger and we can see more clearly. As of right now, the major types of NT defect, SHOULD be able to be seen and were not.

Logically, I know I should relax. As I type this out, I SEE the logical side. She is FINE. But my stupid fucking anxiety has me frozen in fear and thinking of the worst. The anxiety chooses to hear, that something could appear later, MAYBE. Not that she is perfectly formed and growing. I wouldn't wish this feeling and thought process on my worst enemy.

The same thing happened after my breast cancer scare last year. I couldn't stop thinking of the worst, even though I KNEW it was fine. It took meds to help stop that cycle, but not before a total breakdown. This time, its NOT an option. Meds are not safe for Arabella, and I will damned if I put her at risk. So now I have to find a way to have faith that she is indeed okay and stop the fear and panic on my own.

Please please pray that she is healthy and remains that way and that my brain acts normally.

It's a Baby... and All That Goes With It

In case you missed me talking about it on Twitter or Facebook, I am having a baby GIRL! Like WHOA dude. A girl. After four boys.

We found out about two weeks ago in the ER(dehydration), that it MIGHT be a girl. The high risk office left NO doubt last Thursday, our little one was not at all shy. Within one minute of the wand hitting my belly, there was a clear girl shot.

I am glad we had a kinda idea before Thursday, because I might have fallen off the table.

Contrary to what everyone and their mother thought, we did not go through all these losses and kept trying just to get our girl. Honestly, I never for one second, even considered we would have a girl. EVER. After four boys, I figured it was my fate to have all boys, and you know what? I was thrilled with that.

I am not a girly person. I have very few girlfriends in real life. At this point I know what I am doing with boys.

I am scared.

I am scared of passing some of my less than desirable traits on to her. All the women in my family have mental illness issues. Including myself. I am scared I will not know what to do with her. I am scared I will fail her.

I don't know why. I didn't have those fears with my sons.

The fear gets a little less everyday. Every time she kicks or rolls, I know she is MINE (well ours) and I will be a awesomegreatpretty good mom to her, just like I am to the boys.

Buying pink doesn't hurt either.

Tomorrow I should get the results of our final blood tests. I am praying that they are normal and I can relax. I want her to be healthy, so badly. If you wouldn't mind praying (chanting,sending vibes, ect) that they are normal, I would be very grateful.

Four Months

This morning when I was clipping coupons, I came across a baby wipes coupon, and clipped it. I sat there looking at for a moment and all of a sudden it hit me. We really are having a baby.

There have been other moments, that I was like WHOA this is real...That first ultrasound when there actually was a heartbeat...The NT scan seeing a healthy kicking very active baby...Hearing the heartbeat on a doppler for the first time since I was pregnant with Isaiah. All moments that caused me to stop and think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will work and we will have our miracle baby. But this little coupon smacked me right in the heart.

The baby gave us a scare on Friday.

All week long I was having a major panic attack about them not being able to find the heartbeat at my appt. so much so that I gave in an called on Wednesday and begged them to do heartbeat check now to lower my anxiety, and since I am pretty sure the top of my chart says "crazy" they got me right in. It took a couple minutes, but there is was, perfect!

I could breathe again.

So Friday morning, I was a little nervous, but fairly confident that they would be able to find the baby. Three nurses, the doctor and over an hour later, no baby, no heartbeat. I was bordering on hysterical. I was shaking like a leaf and my panic was reaching epic levels. My doctor ordered an urgent ultrasound, I waited 15 minutes, which felt like a year, and the tech squeezed me in. The second the wand hit my belly I saw a VERY active baby. She had a hard time locking on the heart because the baby was flipping and kicking like a maniac! Eventually she got it 156 bpm. WHEW. She said that the doppler wasn't picking the baby up because it wont stop moving!

She tried to take a peak at the gender wasn't willing to share yet! So we have to wait til May 12th.

Counting down!

This is happening, we are having a baby!

I had my Nt scan yesterday, the test that I kept telling myself would be the point I could start to relax if it looked good. I was a wreck the night before, I couldn't breathe thinking they would discover this baby had the same issue Kai did. Down's didn't worry as much as the whole not having a brain thing. Of course they were running 30 minutes behind and I am pretty sure my heart almost exploded.

It took her a while to get the measurements, jiggling my belly, having me flip over, all kinds of fun. The baby was very active and wasn't down with the intrusion. She assured me she thought everything looked great, but had to get proof. Finally she did. The nasal bone was present and the fold (which should be under 2.5) was only 0.99. There was a full brain in the head. All limbs where they belonged. I even got to see the blood flow into the cord!

So as of right now, we have a fully formed, healthy baby!


I am still in a lot of pain and no one can find the cause. Theory is there is scar tissue from my csections. Not going to hurt the baby, but I am going to stay very uncomfortable.

Everyone and their mother seem to think this baby is a girl...except Neil and me. My doc wants to wait to do the gender scan until 20 weeks, which is 7 weeks away! ACK. I think we are going to go to one of the private sonogram places and get one done at 17 weeks.

Sorry I haven't been blogging about anything other than the contents of my uterus, but I seem to have completely lost my brain.

Whoops.

I have seem to have neglected this blog lately. It's too hard to put into word the place I am in right now. The baby is still hanging in there. I still feel horrible, which is awesome, no really it is. We have had a few scares with spotting on and off, but another ultrasound this week confirmed the baby looks great and it growing.

I ordered a Doppler online. This could go one of two ways, it will bring me peace or make me a nervous wreck! (Yeah, I know, like making me MORE of a wreck is possible!) It should be here tomorrow. Yay for ebay.

I have to take it really easy because of the small bleed I have, moving around too much causes the spotting.

Two more weeks until I can stop the progesterone and then three until I have my NT scan. Hopefully after that I can finally relax.

The kids are on spring break and we are doggy sitting for my dad. There are two giant ass labs humping in my living room right now. It's craziness!

Normal

The high risk ob said everything looks normal. I never knew that word was so beautiful.


Also I made this for him or her since they are due in October.

Grow baby grow!

Here is our little one, measuring at 7 weeks 4 day with a heart beat of 167. I am in awe.

You Just Don't Get Over It

In case you have never read this blog, I have an anxiety disorder, a pretty bad one. One that I am currently off all medication for while I am pregnant.

I am having a huge anxiety attack today. Tomorrow is my ob appt. and I was really hoping to do another ultrasound to confirm the baby is growing and the heart rate got faster. Rather than do that she wants to do another blood test. Something that caused me horrible amounts of anxiety already. I can hardly breathe thinking about it.

I know it sounds dramatic and over sensitive, but here is the thing, YOU CAN'T just choose not to have anxiety when you have a disorder. I try calming breaths, positive thoughts, and I try to stay calm. But I can't. Having anxiety doesn't mean I ignore the good, am not thankful for all the blessings I do have, or I am not thrilled about this baby. I am just struggling.

Normal everyday things, like school tests send me into a spiral. Something as big as whether or not the baby is okay, send me spinning so hard I dont know what is up.
I know my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about anxiety and being scared/worried, but unfortunately I can't help it. Like any disease, it is part of who I am. I am sure no one would ask a diabetic friend to just get over it and eat some cake.

So I am sorry I am a pain in the ass, but apparently that is just who I am.
Going to go back to trying not to cry now.

Joy

Though I just don't think that word is even enough. I have spent most of today crying, but not for the reason I had braced myself for...

I was a wreck this morning. I couldn't eat, I was shaking. When the ultrasound tech called me back, I was oddly calm, ready to hear the worst. I went over my history with the tech and she looked a little grim. Then she frozen and said, "I see a flicker!!! Don't breathe for a second I am going to magnify." And sure enough there it was a heartbeat. One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

It turned out I am about a week less then I thought, it doesn't surprise me because I have long cycles. Also the next ultrasound may adjust that date, because I was so early, it was hard to get a good view. For right now, the baby's size and heart rate matched up pretty well. She said s/he is implanted in a great spot and looks like a healthy early pregnancy.

I may have cried on the table, which is a little awkward with that whole ultrasound probe thingy inserted. The tech got choked up too. She said she really didn't want to start off her day with bad news and was relieved. Me too lady, me too. Then I broke down in an almost full ugly cry when I went to check out. The appointment secretary at this office is so sweet. When I showed her the pic and she squealed with me and got teary eyed. I made my first full ob appointment in 4 years and pretty much fell apart. In the happiest way possible.

Meet our little pumpkin!

Due 10/22.

Why I Don't Keep Pregnancy a Secret

No it's not because I am a needy attention whore. Entirely.

I know that for many it is standard to not share the news of a pregnancy until you are past the 12 week mark, I have never been one to do that, even before the losses. Mostly because I have a big mouth...

After losing Kai, I know that getting to 12 weeks doesn't promise a baby. I also know that no good comes from suffering through a loss alone. At least for me it doesn't. Everyone deals in their own way and if not telling works for you, I fully understand your choice.

After six losses and a debilitating anxiety disorder, I need the support. I don't think I would survive going through it alone. Nothing is more awkward than trying to explain WHY you are having a sudden mental breakdown... "Well I was pregnant, but now I am having a miscarriage..."

The biggest reason is, I LOATHE the taboo that is put on women in talking about loss and miscarriage. Society seems to think that this should be a secret burden for women to bear. I couldn't disagree more. By making it a secret, we make it dirty, like some how we are at fault. Secondly we feel alone, like some thing is wrong with us and that since no one is talking about it, no one else is going through it. Lastly, we are made to think that by sharing our pain, we burden those around us. Someone who loves you, will support you and be there for you through the loss and never make you feel guilty for sharing your pain.

I can't tell how many times I have posted on twitter, facebook, or this blog about my many losses, and received emails from friends saying they just lost a baby, were going through a potential loss, or had in the past. Friends I talk to everyday and had no idea they were hurting in that way. Had I, I would have been there for them as much as I could be, even if it meant only saying, "I am sorry for your loss".

So yes I tell and I share the ups and downs. Not just because I need the support, God knows I have used up some of that with the six losses, but because I know that there is a woman sitting in her house crying alone right now, because she told no one about the child she lost. I want them to know, I have been there. I survived (kinda) and they will too. That their child is loved, even if I never laid eyes on them.

Like I said, if you are someone who firmly believes in waiting to share the news, good or bad, I understand. I just am not going to be the person to do it.

*** edited to add: I realized that this post focused more on the sad side of sharing pregnancy news early, which is because it's all I have known for the past four years (up til now). The fact is that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, which means 3 of 4 result in healthy babies. That is two times better odds than the average marriage lasting! Do we not tell our family and friends we got married, because the odds are against it lasting? That would be crazy! So not only is talking about early pregnancy about sharing pain and fear, it is about sharing joy as well.

A Rant (having nothing to do with being crazy or pregnant)

So I stumble across this Rolling Stone article tease yesterday, featuring Justin Beiber.

Unlike most adults, I think he is cute, in a I want to pinch your cheeks kinda way, and he has some actually musical talent, but that is irrelevant. I knew just from the little snippet he was going to catch hell for it.

In the story he is asked questions regarding premarital sex, abortion, and whether he wants to be a US citizen. He answers candidly, openly, and well... like a kid. BECAUSE he is a damn kid. Why the hell is a reputable magazine asking a minor these questions?

Not very many 16 yo's have a firm stance on abortion, unless it was passed down from their parents, and then it's not really their own anyway.

I think there was nothing wrong with his sex before marriage answer either, dude don't paint yourself into the Britney virgin box, and have it come back to bite your ass.

What is shockingly getting the most flack was his lack of desire to be an American. Why the hell should he?? He is proud of his Canadian back round, most Canadian's I know are... quite honestly Americans need to wake up and look at the way the rest of the world sees us. America is no longer the dream country, that everyone wants to live in.

Also the comment about the health care... spot on. Some are bashing him for not providing his body guard with better heath insurance. UM DUH. Even with good health insurance a preemie can cost ten's of thousands just in co-pays and premiums.

Also HE IS SIXTEEN.

Roller Coaster

Friday we were just starting to let it sink in that we were having a baby, maybe. I got great lab results and a everything was looking good. Sunday it all came crashing down. After what should have been a one hour trip to the lab turned into three( the accidentally canceled my test/results, had to find my blood again, rush to run test) I found out my numbers were barely moving up. I was crushed, but had to come home and hold it together because Jordan's Birthday party started just minutes later.
Come Monday I called Ob. They never got Sunday's lab results and couldnt get them from the hospital, so I drove to the office and gave them the copy I had.
The nurse thought something was off and sent me for a third test.
The results were amazing! Not only had my numbers doubled from Sunday, but were almost FIVE times as high and a perfect doubling every 48 hours from Friday's test.
So for right now we are back on track.
I have an ultrasound next Thursday, where if we see a heartbeat, will be the first time in the last five pregnancies, and a REALLY awesome sign.

I don't even know what to say....

Remember that I posted that the new meds had uh..upped my sex drive? Apparently too much. Because guess what?

I am pregnant.

Again.

Let that sink in a minute, cause it sure has NOT sunk in with me.

We were not trying. We were HAPPY. I was finally feeling good. Don't get me wrong, every fiber of my being wants this baby. I am just so damn scared. I have to wean off some of my meds, which is okay. It's a small price to pay for the potential to have a healthy baby. But I am worried about handling the stress without them.

The odds are against me. Six losses in four years. No answers from doctors or tests.

I can't get my hopes up. People keep telling me to have faith, to think positive, that this time it will be different...but if I let myself have those thoughts, how much more crushing will the loss be?

I debated posting this, even as I type it, I am not sure when I will. But this blog has never been about the happy shiny side of me.

Was it smart to get pregnant a month after a nervous breakdown? Hell no. Was this planned? Hell no. But if somehow, I manage to carry this baby to term and have another child I will be over the moon.

If this pregnancy ends like the last six, I will have to scrape the pieces of me that are left back together again. AGAIN. And I will because I have to.

Also apparently we will need to try to figure out how the hell birth control works.

**edited to add, not get the best feeling about how this is going, wont know for sure til next week.

Rough Week

My grandpa passed away on Wednesday. Which is sad, but I can only be so sad because he was 101! He lived a very full, long, healthy life. I am worried about my dad, he has lost so many he loved in the last year.

Then today I found out that a friend from college died. She was only 30, a single mom to a 10yo girl and a 5 yo boy, she was thin and beautiful...She died of cardiac arrest. Sometimes life just doesn't make any sense. I am reeling and heartbroken for her children, boyfriend, and family.

I am struggling with school too.

But the meds must be working some, because I am coping. Coping well enough that the doctor declared me stable. I only need to go in every three months now. I don't feel stable, but I don't feel one step from crazy either. Getting there.

In my continued attempt to bring the hot me back, I am getting my hair done on Tuesday, fingers crossed it comes out even. Getting black dye out of hair is a nightmare. When it is done I will post pics. I have also lost 12lbs since December, hope I can continue to lose.

Taking the kids to Ikea tomorrow I think since daddy got called into work, you know so I can drop them off at the playland and I can sit in a chair and read for an hourgo shopping.

Sexy Back

This blog has turned into one damn self affirmation after another, but hell I need it at this point.

There was a point this December when I looked in the mirror and was terrified at what I saw. I was ghostly pale, dark circle under my eyes, hair unbrushed for what had to be the 3rd or 4th day, and the 20 lbs I had dropped seemed to all come from my face. I knew I was in a bad place, but I didn't think about how bad it looked on the outside, I really didn't care until that moment.

I burst into tears and demanded to know why no one had told me I looked like this. Of course everyone was more concerned with the fact I was a mental basket case, not that my hair looked like there was a family of birds living in it.

I stayed looking like that for several weeks, though I was aware now, I just didn't have it in me to change it. After I broken down in the doctors office and got new medication, I waited. I waited to feel like ME again. While some of the meds do give instant relief from the panic, the others work more slowly and are still building up now. I kept thinking there would be this magical moment where I was suddenly back to normal. Instead it has been gradual steps, little realizations.

I actually do my hair. I have been wearing makeup. I feel sexy again. I still don't feel panic free and I am still battling obsessive negative thoughts, but only from time to time. It isn't all consuming like it was for the last few months of last year.

Also in awesome side effects of meds; headaches are like 70% better, have less of an appetite, and sex drive has gone through the roof. (For those that know me well know this is a double edge sword, because I was already a cough *little* above average in that area.) If you didn't already know it, having tons of sex, makes you feel WAY better about yourself. Something about the endorphins and shit... I am not a doctor, but I highly recommend it.

Long story short, I have great hair again, feel almost normal, and my husband may not make it til spring alive.

I have to add this song, it didn't just speak to me, I SCREAMED to me. Every single person alive needs to hear this. I love Pink, but this song is so past music, it's amazing this is the explict version, so if the fbomb offends you listen to THIS version.

You Capture: Circles

This is my first go at doing You Capture, so I hope I do it right!

I just took this picture tonight as the sun set:

This on was taken a little after:


Please head over to I Should Be Folding Laundry to see more circle pictures!
*** Editing to add a confession. These were taken with a point and shoot. Granted it's a kick butt super zoom point and shoot, but still.
I have the Canon SX30is. It has an INSANE zoom and manages not to get to noisy even at 140x optical. I did use a tripod because at that zoom moving .00001 in blows the shot.

What I am, is what I am?

Bonus points if you recognize the Edie Brickell lyrics.

So what am I?

I have been pretty quiet on here, because I can't seem to find the answer to that question. I can't find words at all. This post has been sitting in drafts for three days and I still don't think it makes sense.

Is that sad at 32, I have no idea what I am outside of a mother and a wife? A nurturer, someone who has always taken care of other people first. I used to think that was enough. In fact, I was defensive with other mothers who searched for their identity outside of the home. Why would I need anything more than this? Of course I thought I would have more time in this phase of my life. That I would still have a baby or two now. That didn't happen. I am now looking at my not so little boys, rapidly flying towards not needing me anymore. Of course not in the near future, but it everyday they need me a little less.

I am in school, going on year four, and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I can't seem to reconcile who I am as a mom with who I could be outside of that. I feel guilty wanting to find out who that is. I hide major parts of myself from everyone, because it doesn't fit into the mold of who I SHOULD be. I admire the friends that I have that can just BE. The internet me, is a very PG version of me and I fear letting the REAL me out of the bag, well what I know of the real me.

Is this a part of the semi-mental breakdown I just had or I am finally getting clarity and moving past the fears that have dictated my life til this point? I honestly have no clue. I have lived with fear as long as I can remember, it wasn't wasn't always as crushing as it was recently, but I can't think of a time that I wasn't afraid. I have been honest with this struggle over the past few weeks, but there is so much, some long past, that brought what happened on. Things I can't bring myself to share. I have typed out parts and they sit in drafts. I know that what I need to share will hurt other people and I can't bring myself to do it.

So what I am trying to sputter around is, I have no idea who I want to be. Or how much of that I can show to the world.

I am not saying that my identity being mostly a wife and mother is wrong. It is part of who I am, what I do. I am just thinking I need more now.

National Delurking Day

I didn't know this was a day, but it sounds fun and I am bored right now so I'm stealing TJ's Delurking Survey (slightly modified)Miss Grace's not at all modified survey, because I am lazy like that.

The TJ Miss Grace Jenni Delurker Survey, 2011:


1. What’s your name, and how long have you been reading this site?

2. Do you have a blog and/or a Twitter name and/or something else we should all read today? If you don’t have one yourself, you can tell us about someone else who is deserving of our eyeballs today.

3. What is your favorite song right now? I am going to go listen to it and tell you what I think. No pressure.

4. Is there anything I haven’t covered or answered but I should have, but you couldn’t tell me that because you were busy lurking? DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS FOR ME?

5. Are you a lurker everywhere, or is it just my blog?

6. Tell me something really weird or unusual about you. That will take care of the whole “every time I want to say something, someone already said it” thing.

7. Recommend something. A book, or a movie, or a flash game, or a friend of yours as a really excellent person, or a valid career path, or a little known parenting strategy, or a super clever cleaning tip or trick, or incredibly helpful organizational tool, or the best socks you’ve ever owned.

Now Miss Grace threatened to do something evil with potato bugs for not commenting, I won't do that. However I will remind you that I just kinda nervous breakdown and I am a WEE emotionally fragile and no comments will likely lead me to fall apart.

Walk in the Park

Took the boys for a walk at a local park that surrounds a huge lake. They all have cameras and I was itching to test out my new one.


Crazy palm tree.


Oh hai, you stay over there, mkay?

I had no idea what this was, apparently it is a Gar fish? They have exoskeletons. Very cool, at least to three little boys.

our view

The badass playground.

It felt good to be behind the lens again, haven't really taken any pictures in more than a month. The kids had a great time too.

Broken

A few months ago this blog was about dog balls and now it has turned into a darker place. There are still dog ball moments and I will write about them soon, this is just my place to vent for now and I need this outlet...

Looking back now it was bound to happen. I try to be tough, but really how much can one person take?

I am starting to feel stronger, mentally and in that, I am starting to process things that I was shoving to the back of my mind.

We are done having babies.

I have to accept that.

Someone close to me just had a miscarriage and she said to me, "I don't know how you made it through six times". The truth is, neither do I. After Kai I thought the world was caving in and couldn't fathom trying again, but as time went on I realized I not only could, but HAD to.

When the second loss came we rationalized it was just too soon, my body had to heal. But that was bullshit. Because then came loss 3, then 4, and then 5. After each of those months would go by and we would both say, there is no way it will happen again.

And then it did, May of last year I had my 6th miscarriage. Next to losing Kai it was the most brutal by far. And I said never again. But then the months go by and maybe just maybe...

But here is the thing... I have had every test known to man. There is NO reason. Which means there is no way to fix it. All the mixes of hormones, supplements, and aspirin aren't going to give me a baby.

After this recent mental health breakdown I realized I CAN NOT go through it again. I am already broken, hanging on by a thread. One more loss and the pieces will all blow away.

So I have to face that I. am. done.

Going slightly crazy has taught me a few things more...

I have to let go of perfection. Yes a 4.0 in college is cool, but not at the expense of me. My house will never look like a magazine. I am not going to be a size six (not that I have even attempted that one). I am not super mom. I am not always the best friend I could be. I am selfish sometimes and I need to stop feeling so damn guilty about taking time for me. (no one ever makes me feel bad about it, it all ME)

New Year

New me?

Or maybe going back to same old me. I am not there, but I am working on it. Or maybe I won't be the same person on the other end of this.

Of course life goes on around you, even when you fall apart. My extended family has suffered several blows. We all just keep on trucking. There is no choice.

My resolution this year is one thing...health; mental and physical.
I can finally walk again. There is pain, but not nearly as bad. I am no longer using a wheel chair at Disney. It only took 12 months longer than the doctor said it would, but I am getting there. So I want to try to walk daily. At this point, even more importantly I want my head to be fixed. I am getting there on that front too, but every day is still a struggle.

I am still scared. Way more than I need to be. I can't control it.

I feel like all I have done is bitch, whine, and cry for weeksmonths. I am to the point I can fake it during the day. I can be a mom, cook dinner, do the shopping, ect, things that I couldn't handle a few weeks ago. The headaches are getting better and more manageable. I also am able to have happy thoughts again.

However there are moments, like right now as I write this, that I am filled with fear and paranoia. My fingers itch to Google all the bad ideas in my head. To build that fear into full blown hysteria, like adding fuel to a fire. Part of my brain wants that fire. I just want it to shut the hell up.

I did that three words about me thing today. The most used word was strong. I don't feel strong and I hate it. I am supposed to be strong dammit. I always have been.