Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Life is Never Dull Around Here

We planned a relaxing weekend around the house, grilling and lazing about. It was going well too...

I had my 20 week appointment with the high risk doctor on Monday morning, Arabella still looks great. She was a bit difficult when they tried to get clear shots of her spine (which is what we need). They did get some shots of it, but got much clearer ones of the heart, brain, and belly, all look normal. I go back in three weeks for another check of her size and spine. So far so good, I am praying she is okay and will be born perfectly healthy.

After the appointment, I came home and we got ready to have some friends over for a bbq. The food turned out great and the adults were all sitting down to eat when I heard a big CRASH. Neil was in the hall and yelled that Noah broke a window... I jumped up (as fast as a fat pregnant chic can jump) and yelled to Neil asking if Noah was cut, as I got to the room he calmly said "yes". Since he was so calm I didn't freak out, til I looked down. OMG the blood! I could see right away this was going to be an urgent care trip. I grabbed a towel, wrapped his arm, slipped on flip flops, got my keys, ran out the door with Noah, telling everyone I would call with an update. Thank God there is an After Hours Peds place less than 3 minutes from my house. Within ten minutes of the cut, he was numbed and watching a movie. I LOVE that place. He ended up with 16 stitches. The cuts are AWFUL. Noah handled the stitches like a champ and I totally give the amazing staff credit for that. He is still sore, but coping okay. I wasn't in the room and it's not easy to get info out of an autistic child, but from what I gather he was stimming (hand flapping) because he was upset, and basically smacked the window. Which matches up because the cuts are on the top of his forearm.
I feel so bad for him. Tomorrow is the last day of school and he can't swim or go to the beach for 14 days!

I can't believe the school year is over. Normally, I am more than ready for it. This year my wallet is, I am spending an INSANE amount of money on gas getting them to school. The rest of me is a little sad, all three boys have thrived this year and are enjoying school. I really hope next year is as wonderful. Also I am so tired, I pray I can keep up with them all summer!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Oh Crap... I am Clueless

I have mentioned before that my middle son, Jordan, is by far my most sensitive child. He is easily hurt crushed by things my other two brush off. So when I went to pick the crew up from school today and saw two beaming faces above two HUGE bright foot necklaces, and one crestfallen face above no necklace, I knew I was going to have a problem.

The end of the year PE awards were given out. Isaiah (the youngest) was 1st place, fastest kid in the entire Kindergarten class. Noah given the 1st place prize for the ESE students (which let me say I LOVE that they didn't try to make him qualify with the other classes, it's just not fair). And Jordan was 5th place for ALL of second grade. Which in my opinion ROCKS since until this year he was crippled with severe asthma and is still working on his lungs.

The hard part? 5th place didn't get a cool necklace, they just got two charms. He was heartbroken. He really worked his butt off this year, I know he did, he came home sweaty and exhausted every track day. He feels like a failure and that his hard work was for nothing. Which to me, is nuts! It means that with the exception of 4 kids he was the fastest! With my asthma I was always LAST.

I feel helpless. I want to praise them all and tell them I am proud, but Jordan miserably says he doesn't deserve it. I snuggled, hugged, talked, and fought my own tears. He still cried.

Thank God daddy came home to save the day. He talked to him and they are going to train this summer so he can be even faster next year. Daddy made him a necklace out of all the charms he earned through out the year and it was almost as cool as his brothers. (the kids earn charms for meeting the amount of goal laps a week, they are hideous plastic feet, but are like gold to the kids)

He seems better now, but I was shaken. How do you handle it when some of your children succeed and others struggle? When some win a prize and the others dont?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The News I Really Didn't Want to Hear

I kept telling myself once I got the blood test results from the NT scan, I would relax. I would be able to fully embrace this pregnancy and be excited about this little girl arriving. I was warned when they took the first draw that I would be at higher risk for neural defects because of Kai and my weight. But really? I totally forgot. I didn't think for a minute that the results would be anything but normal.

I called Friday to get them and was told the nurse couldn't give them to me until the doctor reviewed them, BIG red flag. They never called back on Friday. Yesterday morning the nurse called to check if the doctor had called me yet, now I am getting really scared. An hour or so the nurse calls back, explaining that the doctor was too busy too call, but the results were not great. My odds for trisomy and downs were actually much better than the ones for my age, age gave my 1:1000 and 1:592, both came in at 1:10000. Great.

The bad news? My odds of an open neural defect? 1:87. Normal is 1:1000, the bottom line for a positive 1:145. After losing Kai to an open NT defect, I was crushed. I couldn't stop crying.

A little info, I found yesterday: If you have a child with an open NT defect you have a 2-3% chance of having a repeat. If you have a BMI over 39% (yeah I am admitting my fatassness) you are 2.9 times more likely to have an NT defect.

This test takes those odds into account, it is not just based on your blood test. With those odds, I could have had a 4-5% chance of having a baby with an NT defect. The odds this test gave me? 1.2% Not THAT bad, I guess, logically.

The logically is the key here. Anxiety disorder, takes a crap on logic and sends me spiraling into total freaking despair and panic.

Luckily, I am already a patient of a high risk doctor and was able to get in ASAP for ANOTHER level 2 ultrasound to double/triple check her well being. I can't say enough about my high risk office. SUPER pleased with how they handled my melting down self. We got the tech that handles the scary stuff, she was mostly quiet, measuring the head, brain, belly, and spine over and over from every angle. She said on this type of scan, they wait for the doc to give the all clear, but that I should be leaving there relieved.

After waiting a while for my regular ob doc to FINALLY fax the actual blood test results, we went in to consult with the doc. I saw it on the screen myself. NO FETAL ABNORMALITIES seen. She is growing well and looks perfect. He was comfortable with the results and unless I REALLY wanted amnio, he didn't think it was worth the risk or needed. (I am at a higher risk from doing amnio as I have had premature rupture of membranes three times and preterm labor)

His plan is to continue as we were, see him and have an ultrasound every 2-3 weeks and non stress tests weekly after 8 months. We are going to watch her closely and make sure she continues to grow and nothing wrong appears as she gets bigger and we can see more clearly. As of right now, the major types of NT defect, SHOULD be able to be seen and were not.

Logically, I know I should relax. As I type this out, I SEE the logical side. She is FINE. But my stupid fucking anxiety has me frozen in fear and thinking of the worst. The anxiety chooses to hear, that something could appear later, MAYBE. Not that she is perfectly formed and growing. I wouldn't wish this feeling and thought process on my worst enemy.

The same thing happened after my breast cancer scare last year. I couldn't stop thinking of the worst, even though I KNEW it was fine. It took meds to help stop that cycle, but not before a total breakdown. This time, its NOT an option. Meds are not safe for Arabella, and I will damned if I put her at risk. So now I have to find a way to have faith that she is indeed okay and stop the fear and panic on my own.

Please please pray that she is healthy and remains that way and that my brain acts normally.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

It's a Baby... and All That Goes With It

In case you missed me talking about it on Twitter or Facebook, I am having a baby GIRL! Like WHOA dude. A girl. After four boys.

We found out about two weeks ago in the ER(dehydration), that it MIGHT be a girl. The high risk office left NO doubt last Thursday, our little one was not at all shy. Within one minute of the wand hitting my belly, there was a clear girl shot.

I am glad we had a kinda idea before Thursday, because I might have fallen off the table.

Contrary to what everyone and their mother thought, we did not go through all these losses and kept trying just to get our girl. Honestly, I never for one second, even considered we would have a girl. EVER. After four boys, I figured it was my fate to have all boys, and you know what? I was thrilled with that.

I am not a girly person. I have very few girlfriends in real life. At this point I know what I am doing with boys.

I am scared.

I am scared of passing some of my less than desirable traits on to her. All the women in my family have mental illness issues. Including myself. I am scared I will not know what to do with her. I am scared I will fail her.

I don't know why. I didn't have those fears with my sons.

The fear gets a little less everyday. Every time she kicks or rolls, I know she is MINE (well ours) and I will be a awesomegreatpretty good mom to her, just like I am to the boys.

Buying pink doesn't hurt either.

Tomorrow I should get the results of our final blood tests. I am praying that they are normal and I can relax. I want her to be healthy, so badly. If you wouldn't mind praying (chanting,sending vibes, ect) that they are normal, I would be very grateful.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Four Months

This morning when I was clipping coupons, I came across a baby wipes coupon, and clipped it. I sat there looking at for a moment and all of a sudden it hit me. We really are having a baby.

There have been other moments, that I was like WHOA this is real...That first ultrasound when there actually was a heartbeat...The NT scan seeing a healthy kicking very active baby...Hearing the heartbeat on a doppler for the first time since I was pregnant with Isaiah. All moments that caused me to stop and think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will work and we will have our miracle baby. But this little coupon smacked me right in the heart.

The baby gave us a scare on Friday.

All week long I was having a major panic attack about them not being able to find the heartbeat at my appt. so much so that I gave in an called on Wednesday and begged them to do heartbeat check now to lower my anxiety, and since I am pretty sure the top of my chart says "crazy" they got me right in. It took a couple minutes, but there is was, perfect!

I could breathe again.

So Friday morning, I was a little nervous, but fairly confident that they would be able to find the baby. Three nurses, the doctor and over an hour later, no baby, no heartbeat. I was bordering on hysterical. I was shaking like a leaf and my panic was reaching epic levels. My doctor ordered an urgent ultrasound, I waited 15 minutes, which felt like a year, and the tech squeezed me in. The second the wand hit my belly I saw a VERY active baby. She had a hard time locking on the heart because the baby was flipping and kicking like a maniac! Eventually she got it 156 bpm. WHEW. She said that the doppler wasn't picking the baby up because it wont stop moving!

She tried to take a peak at the gender wasn't willing to share yet! So we have to wait til May 12th.

Counting down!