Monday, February 21, 2011

Why I Don't Keep Pregnancy a Secret

No it's not because I am a needy attention whore. Entirely.

I know that for many it is standard to not share the news of a pregnancy until you are past the 12 week mark, I have never been one to do that, even before the losses. Mostly because I have a big mouth...

After losing Kai, I know that getting to 12 weeks doesn't promise a baby. I also know that no good comes from suffering through a loss alone. At least for me it doesn't. Everyone deals in their own way and if not telling works for you, I fully understand your choice.

After six losses and a debilitating anxiety disorder, I need the support. I don't think I would survive going through it alone. Nothing is more awkward than trying to explain WHY you are having a sudden mental breakdown... "Well I was pregnant, but now I am having a miscarriage..."

The biggest reason is, I LOATHE the taboo that is put on women in talking about loss and miscarriage. Society seems to think that this should be a secret burden for women to bear. I couldn't disagree more. By making it a secret, we make it dirty, like some how we are at fault. Secondly we feel alone, like some thing is wrong with us and that since no one is talking about it, no one else is going through it. Lastly, we are made to think that by sharing our pain, we burden those around us. Someone who loves you, will support you and be there for you through the loss and never make you feel guilty for sharing your pain.

I can't tell how many times I have posted on twitter, facebook, or this blog about my many losses, and received emails from friends saying they just lost a baby, were going through a potential loss, or had in the past. Friends I talk to everyday and had no idea they were hurting in that way. Had I, I would have been there for them as much as I could be, even if it meant only saying, "I am sorry for your loss".

So yes I tell and I share the ups and downs. Not just because I need the support, God knows I have used up some of that with the six losses, but because I know that there is a woman sitting in her house crying alone right now, because she told no one about the child she lost. I want them to know, I have been there. I survived (kinda) and they will too. That their child is loved, even if I never laid eyes on them.

Like I said, if you are someone who firmly believes in waiting to share the news, good or bad, I understand. I just am not going to be the person to do it.

*** edited to add: I realized that this post focused more on the sad side of sharing pregnancy news early, which is because it's all I have known for the past four years (up til now). The fact is that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, which means 3 of 4 result in healthy babies. That is two times better odds than the average marriage lasting! Do we not tell our family and friends we got married, because the odds are against it lasting? That would be crazy! So not only is talking about early pregnancy about sharing pain and fear, it is about sharing joy as well.

8 comments:

Mysheli said...

And we will keep supporting you too. So many of us have experienced a loss but don't know how to share it. I have been in that boat too.

I'm here hoping and praying that this isn't the conversation we'll be having anytime in the next nine months. I look forward to seeing what colors you'll be picking out for the nursery and looking at baby clothes.

Always, nothing but love for you dear. Hugs and hugs and hugs.

Chibi Jeebs said...

Excellent post and a great perspective. Thank you for sharing with us.

xoxo

Zoeyjane said...

You said it beautifully. If someone is supposed to hide both their early happiness in a pregnancy, and their sadness in the loss of a baby... well, that's just effed up.

Treehugging Nana said...

Im actually glad you do share...i think it not only helps you..but others going through the same..and frankly isnt that what blogging it about?
Praying praying praying all goes well Thurs...ill be sitting on pins and needles!

Jenny Grace said...

Well said dear.

Anonymous said...

Well said. I wish more woman did talk about it. It would make it easier to talk about it. Theres not much support out there in the "Real world." I think churches should have support for woman who have expeirenced losses. You are a brave and wonderful woman. I am not as able to talk about the things I am feeling inside openly, but I do feel alot. God bless,
Mary M.

Anonymous said...

Oh and you know I am praying for your sweeet bebe everyday!
Mary

nearlynotquite.com said...

Oh wow. You worded it so much better than I did..

http://nearlynotquite.com/2010/04/17/missing-in-action/

was my "not keeping my pregnancy a secret anymore" post. For what it's worth you're right. We deserve to be supported.

All the best. x