This blog has turned into one damn self affirmation after another, but hell I need it at this point.
There was a point this December when I looked in the mirror and was terrified at what I saw. I was ghostly pale, dark circle under my eyes, hair unbrushed for what had to be the 3rd or 4th day, and the 20 lbs I had dropped seemed to all come from my face. I knew I was in a bad place, but I didn't think about how bad it looked on the outside, I really didn't care until that moment.
I burst into tears and demanded to know why no one had told me I looked like this. Of course everyone was more concerned with the fact I was a mental basket case, not that my hair looked like there was a family of birds living in it.
I stayed looking like that for several weeks, though I was aware now, I just didn't have it in me to change it. After I broken down in the doctors office and got new medication, I waited. I waited to feel like ME again. While some of the meds do give instant relief from the panic, the others work more slowly and are still building up now. I kept thinking there would be this magical moment where I was suddenly back to normal. Instead it has been gradual steps, little realizations.
I actually do my hair. I have been wearing makeup. I feel sexy again. I still don't feel panic free and I am still battling obsessive negative thoughts, but only from time to time. It isn't all consuming like it was for the last few months of last year.
Also in awesome side effects of meds; headaches are like 70% better, have less of an appetite, and sex drive has gone through the roof. (For those that know me well know this is a double edge sword, because I was already a cough *little* above average in that area.) If you didn't already know it, having tons of sex, makes you feel WAY better about yourself. Something about the endorphins and shit... I am not a doctor, but I highly recommend it.
Long story short, I have great hair again, feel almost normal, and my husband may not make it til spring alive.
I have to add this song, it didn't just speak to me, I SCREAMED to me. Every single person alive needs to hear this. I love Pink, but this song is so past music, it's amazing this is the explict version, so if the fbomb offends you listen to THIS version.
Surfing Sunday 12.17
7 hours ago