In case you have never read this blog, I have an anxiety disorder, a pretty bad one. One that I am currently off all medication for while I am pregnant.
I am having a huge anxiety attack today. Tomorrow is my ob appt. and I was really hoping to do another ultrasound to confirm the baby is growing and the heart rate got faster. Rather than do that she wants to do another blood test. Something that caused me horrible amounts of anxiety already. I can hardly breathe thinking about it.
I know it sounds dramatic and over sensitive, but here is the thing, YOU CAN'T just choose not to have anxiety when you have a disorder. I try calming breaths, positive thoughts, and I try to stay calm. But I can't. Having anxiety doesn't mean I ignore the good, am not thankful for all the blessings I do have, or I am not thrilled about this baby. I am just struggling.
Normal everyday things, like school tests send me into a spiral. Something as big as whether or not the baby is okay, send me spinning so hard I dont know what is up.
I know my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about anxiety and being scared/worried, but unfortunately I can't help it. Like any disease, it is part of who I am. I am sure no one would ask a diabetic friend to just get over it and eat some cake.
So I am sorry I am a pain in the ass, but apparently that is just who I am.
Going to go back to trying not to cry now.
Not dead yet.
11 hours ago