Tuesday, March 1, 2011

You Just Don't Get Over It

In case you have never read this blog, I have an anxiety disorder, a pretty bad one. One that I am currently off all medication for while I am pregnant.

I am having a huge anxiety attack today. Tomorrow is my ob appt. and I was really hoping to do another ultrasound to confirm the baby is growing and the heart rate got faster. Rather than do that she wants to do another blood test. Something that caused me horrible amounts of anxiety already. I can hardly breathe thinking about it.

I know it sounds dramatic and over sensitive, but here is the thing, YOU CAN'T just choose not to have anxiety when you have a disorder. I try calming breaths, positive thoughts, and I try to stay calm. But I can't. Having anxiety doesn't mean I ignore the good, am not thankful for all the blessings I do have, or I am not thrilled about this baby. I am just struggling.

Normal everyday things, like school tests send me into a spiral. Something as big as whether or not the baby is okay, send me spinning so hard I dont know what is up.
I know my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about anxiety and being scared/worried, but unfortunately I can't help it. Like any disease, it is part of who I am. I am sure no one would ask a diabetic friend to just get over it and eat some cake.

So I am sorry I am a pain in the ass, but apparently that is just who I am.
Going to go back to trying not to cry now.


Sarah R said...

As your diabetic friend, I snorted at that. I've heard that before: "well can't you eat this and take a pill later?" Umm, if only it were that easy. LOL.
Praying for you Jenni. And loving you dearly. And if eating cake would make you feel better, I'd do it. At least twice. ;)

Stacey said...

I know we don't really know each other, but since we both worked for the same asshat bitch, I feel a kindred spirit with you. At least you were smart enough not to marry into her family!

You're right, it's a disorder and you can't change that. Never be ashamed to be who you are; anxiety and all.

Anytime you need to talk, you just let me know. Sometimes new friends are just what you need when you feel like you're being a burden to old friends. (And I'm not saying you're being a burden. I hope you know what I mean.)

Amanda in BC said...

Hey Jenni! Remember me from the AR forum?!! I popped into your blog recently and after reading this post I wanted to reply. First of all, I'm praying for your little baby to grow strong and healthy! I know how much you've struggled. Also, I have generalized anxiety disorder. It tortured me growing up but for a few years as an adult I did really well and almost forgot about it. In December, I had a miscarriage and pretty much a million things in life fell apart and once again I'm a complete anxiety-ridden basketcase back on the meds! So I totally KNOW how you are feeling. You so can't turn it off, no matter what you try, nothing works. Even when you can tell yourself it'sjust that stupid anxiety etc you can't get get over what it's doing to you mentally and physically. So, if you ever feel alone or crazy (like I do!) just know that you are NOT! If you ever want to chat let me know!
Amanda in BC

mom2nji said...

I remember you Amanda! Thanks for the good thoughts and for popping in. So sorry you battle this demon too.