The News I Really Didn't Want to Hear

I kept telling myself once I got the blood test results from the NT scan, I would relax. I would be able to fully embrace this pregnancy and be excited about this little girl arriving. I was warned when they took the first draw that I would be at higher risk for neural defects because of Kai and my weight. But really? I totally forgot. I didn't think for a minute that the results would be anything but normal.

I called Friday to get them and was told the nurse couldn't give them to me until the doctor reviewed them, BIG red flag. They never called back on Friday. Yesterday morning the nurse called to check if the doctor had called me yet, now I am getting really scared. An hour or so the nurse calls back, explaining that the doctor was too busy too call, but the results were not great. My odds for trisomy and downs were actually much better than the ones for my age, age gave my 1:1000 and 1:592, both came in at 1:10000. Great.

The bad news? My odds of an open neural defect? 1:87. Normal is 1:1000, the bottom line for a positive 1:145. After losing Kai to an open NT defect, I was crushed. I couldn't stop crying.

A little info, I found yesterday: If you have a child with an open NT defect you have a 2-3% chance of having a repeat. If you have a BMI over 39% (yeah I am admitting my fatassness) you are 2.9 times more likely to have an NT defect.

This test takes those odds into account, it is not just based on your blood test. With those odds, I could have had a 4-5% chance of having a baby with an NT defect. The odds this test gave me? 1.2% Not THAT bad, I guess, logically.

The logically is the key here. Anxiety disorder, takes a crap on logic and sends me spiraling into total freaking despair and panic.

Luckily, I am already a patient of a high risk doctor and was able to get in ASAP for ANOTHER level 2 ultrasound to double/triple check her well being. I can't say enough about my high risk office. SUPER pleased with how they handled my melting down self. We got the tech that handles the scary stuff, she was mostly quiet, measuring the head, brain, belly, and spine over and over from every angle. She said on this type of scan, they wait for the doc to give the all clear, but that I should be leaving there relieved.

After waiting a while for my regular ob doc to FINALLY fax the actual blood test results, we went in to consult with the doc. I saw it on the screen myself. NO FETAL ABNORMALITIES seen. She is growing well and looks perfect. He was comfortable with the results and unless I REALLY wanted amnio, he didn't think it was worth the risk or needed. (I am at a higher risk from doing amnio as I have had premature rupture of membranes three times and preterm labor)

His plan is to continue as we were, see him and have an ultrasound every 2-3 weeks and non stress tests weekly after 8 months. We are going to watch her closely and make sure she continues to grow and nothing wrong appears as she gets bigger and we can see more clearly. As of right now, the major types of NT defect, SHOULD be able to be seen and were not.

Logically, I know I should relax. As I type this out, I SEE the logical side. She is FINE. But my stupid fucking anxiety has me frozen in fear and thinking of the worst. The anxiety chooses to hear, that something could appear later, MAYBE. Not that she is perfectly formed and growing. I wouldn't wish this feeling and thought process on my worst enemy.

The same thing happened after my breast cancer scare last year. I couldn't stop thinking of the worst, even though I KNEW it was fine. It took meds to help stop that cycle, but not before a total breakdown. This time, its NOT an option. Meds are not safe for Arabella, and I will damned if I put her at risk. So now I have to find a way to have faith that she is indeed okay and stop the fear and panic on my own.

Please please pray that she is healthy and remains that way and that my brain acts normally.