Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Broken

A few months ago this blog was about dog balls and now it has turned into a darker place. There are still dog ball moments and I will write about them soon, this is just my place to vent for now and I need this outlet...

Looking back now it was bound to happen. I try to be tough, but really how much can one person take?

I am starting to feel stronger, mentally and in that, I am starting to process things that I was shoving to the back of my mind.

We are done having babies.

I have to accept that.

Someone close to me just had a miscarriage and she said to me, "I don't know how you made it through six times". The truth is, neither do I. After Kai I thought the world was caving in and couldn't fathom trying again, but as time went on I realized I not only could, but HAD to.

When the second loss came we rationalized it was just too soon, my body had to heal. But that was bullshit. Because then came loss 3, then 4, and then 5. After each of those months would go by and we would both say, there is no way it will happen again.

And then it did, May of last year I had my 6th miscarriage. Next to losing Kai it was the most brutal by far. And I said never again. But then the months go by and maybe just maybe...

But here is the thing... I have had every test known to man. There is NO reason. Which means there is no way to fix it. All the mixes of hormones, supplements, and aspirin aren't going to give me a baby.

After this recent mental health breakdown I realized I CAN NOT go through it again. I am already broken, hanging on by a thread. One more loss and the pieces will all blow away.

So I have to face that I. am. done.

Going slightly crazy has taught me a few things more...

I have to let go of perfection. Yes a 4.0 in college is cool, but not at the expense of me. My house will never look like a magazine. I am not going to be a size six (not that I have even attempted that one). I am not super mom. I am not always the best friend I could be. I am selfish sometimes and I need to stop feeling so damn guilty about taking time for me. (no one ever makes me feel bad about it, it all ME)

5 comments:

Sarah R said...

I think that for now, these are good choices. Just be flexible for the future! And being selfish ok now and then. I'm still learning that one myself.

BeautifulWreck said...

I agree with Sarah.
Also know I have your back and I Really think you are a strong incredible woman.

Ruthanne said...

Oh, sweetie . . . don't you dare feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Never. If you're not well and happy, there is no way you'll be able to care for those around you.

{Great. Big. Hug!}

Jenny Grace said...

Oh honey. I <3 you.

Barbara P said...

Jenni~~~~Just in case you didn't already know this...I LOOOOVE you like a billion times to the moon and back. You KNOW I'm always here for you girl anytime day or night!!!!