Disclaimer: Remember when my blog was conservative and about coupons? Yeah...not so much anymore. If you are skittish about sex talk or are a family member, close this post now.
This post has been rumbling around in my head for a few weeks, but I didn't get the balls to write it out until I read my girl Fidget's post yesterday. If you haven't read hers and are married, you need to. She is just about the only person who cares more about married sex than I do. She is issuing a two week challenge to amp up your relationship over at Finding Yourself, Despite Yourself. I am not going to be nearly as eloquent as she is, but this is topic I feel strongly about as well. I think every relationship can benefit from taking this challenge.
Earlier this month, one of my friends hosted an adult toy party. It was a bunch of moms from Isaiah's christian preschool. I am pretty sure the conversations on the playground leading up to the party and even more so following it, would make a hooker blush.
Through those conversations I was surprised to learn what many couples think is a normal amount of sex in their marriages. Believe me, we have had dry spells. We have had lonnnggg bed rests during my pregnancies, where sex was a huge no no. BUT we have always tried to maintain intimacy, we snuggle, kiss, feel each other up, and do other things wink,wink.
I am not saying you need to turn into sex fiends or anything, but sex is IMPORTANT. The more sex you have, the more you want it. The more sex you have, the happier you both are. When you are both happy, your family is happy.
After settling into parenthood, it is easy to settle into to sexless land. You stop wanting or even thinking about it. For the first few days of this challenge you will have to make and EFFORT to move into this frame of mind, but once you do? You will catch yourself grabbing for his hand when watching tv or smacking him on the butt as you walk by. The sex isn't all about SEX, it's about building a strong connection between the two of you. Think of it this way, every time you touch, snuggle, or have sex, you are adding threads to the rope that connects you. When life wears down that rope, it will not break because you are continually building it. Without those threads/connections it will fall apart.
Sex is not going to stop all divorces or make a troubled relationship perfect, but it sure helps smooth out the bumps in the road.
Last Sunday night we all were gathered at my house to celebrate Jordan's seventh birthday, laughing and joking. We were thrilled my dad was able to make it, since he has been back and forth to visit his fiance in the hospital in Tampa. She was having some complications following a bone marrow transplant, but the doctors assured him that she was going to pull through.
When I got up the next morning, I saw I missed a call from my dad at 2am and my heart stopped. I called him back and heard the news, that she had taken an extreme turn for the worse and nothing more could be done.
I called my sister and thank God she was able to travel with my dad to Tampa, I wish I could have gone too, but I had a 4 year old with a 102 temp. What happened that day is too painful and private to share, but Beverly passed away on Monday.
In two years of battling leukemia, I don't think it ever occurred to anyone that she wouldn't make it.
Today I sat in a church with my father, siblings, Bev's children, her entire family, and pretty much the whole county's sheriffs department (she was a sheriff's deputy), and cried. Cried a lot. I am so sorry, that in their eight years together I didn't get to know her more. My heart is broken for my dad, at 50 years old, he had to say goodbye to his love. My heart aches for her children, who though are adults, are very young to lose their mother and for everyone who knows her.
I don't deal well with death. I wish I could be one of those people who could cope better. .. For now, we all muddle through, doing our best to support our dad.
Grief is a funny thing.
"They" always say there is no right or wrong way to grieve. When I lost Kai, I was raw. I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. I raged. I struggled for a long time, frustrated with myself for not being able to move past it. Hell I still struggle with that three years later.
Being a blogger and reading blogs, exposed me to some of the most awesome women, many who have faced enormous loss. Some grieve with rage, some with raw and gut wrenching emotion, and others with a heartbreaking beautiful grace. And none of them are doing it "wrong" they are doing the best they can to get by.
It's hard as hell to watch my dad struggle to find his way through this. Seeing your father cry, has to be one of the most painful things. I want to make it better, but I know this is his journey and eventually he will find a way.
I can't believe it is Friday again. I should totally be working on a philosophy paper, but instead I decided to do Fix-it Friday. I didn't spend as much time on it as I would have liked to, because you know I SHOULD actually do my homework.
Seven years ago this morning, I was more scared than I had been in my entire life up til that point. My tiny premature baby was being rushed to another hospital, without me. Now that tiny preemie is so big and strong for his age that most people don't believe he is only turning seven. I love you Jordy and I am so proud of you! Happy Birthday!
I have been happy lately. Really happy. After being depressed for a few months, I was feeling better. Then yesterday I realized my birthday was coming. I have never liked my birthday. EVER. I have never had a party, that I remember (seems there was one when I was 2 or 3). But then in 2007 my birthday took on a whole new level of suck.
On March 12, 2007, I was picking up the ashes of my son at a funeral parlor.
On March 10th it will be three years since we lost Kai.
In the weeks after he passed away, I reached out to online groups. Some were supportive, some weren't, and some just scared me. There women in them that were three, four, and five years after their loss and they were still shattered by it. I thought, there is NO way in hell it will still hurt this bad years later.
Well it doesn't hurt as bad. That pain was so scary, I thought it would kill me. It PHYSICALLY hurt. I felt like there was a black hole sucking me in...it just never ended.
Three years later, I actually go a whole week or two without thinking about losing Kai. But this time of year is hard. It's a date that reminds me that someone is missing. That I shouldn't be mom2nji, I should be mom2njik.
Please forgive me if I am a little melancholy for the next few weeks. It seems as if I still have some working to do on this while grief thing.
It's been a while since I posted, school is once again a handful and every bit of brain power I have has been sapped.
Also I may be just a we bit addicted to picnik pro.
In one of my classes, Philosophy, last week we were asked to think of a philosophical problem and create a "wheel" to solve it (yeah I was confused too). Well, I thought about it all week and had a hard time coming up with one. Then it hit me, "Are we, as humans, judgmental by nature or is it a learned behavior?".
I would have never brought this up on my blog as my homework isn't that exciting normally, but then I saw this tonight and my heart stopped. The judgments of other people led this woman to take her own life.
I am not saying I am innocent in this realm, I find myself doing it all the time. Though, I try to have the tact to keep it to myself most of the time. What is it about mothers, in particular, that makes us so quick to judge each other? Is it insecurities? Habit? Ignorance? Or even worse, mean for the purpose of being mean?
I lost my marbles on twitter recently, after reading article number four zillion and one bashing mothers who have c-sections. I loved my c-sections, I am confident in my choices and the way my children were born. Mostly because I am getting older and don't really give a shit about other people's opinions these days. I am upset for all the new mothers who feel shaky and even regret the c-section they had, rather than empower them to embrace what happened, they are made to feel like failures. I really don't care how anyone gives birth, as long as it's reasonably safe for all involved. It's not my job to tell anyone how to bring their child into the world.
Oops sorry I went off on a little tangent there...
I have seen the power of this blogging community move mountains to help a friend who is ill or has lost a baby. It never ceases to amaze me, the love that flows from keyboards, how we hold each other up.
Most of the time.
When a local Florida mom lost her toddler last year, a portion of this community used that power to attack her.
I am not sad to say I missed the drama involved with that link I posted above. I am heartbroken that she was attacked in her time of grief and felt so hopeless, she took her own life.
I hope it's a reminder to us all to watch what we say to others. To support when can and keep quiet when we can't.
Now, I am not saying that if a child is being abused or neglected we should stay quiet. NOT at ALL. I will still call that out when I see it. I just feel like we need to find a way to be supportive, even if we have different opinions.