Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I don't even know what to say....

Remember that I posted that the new meds had uh..upped my sex drive? Apparently too much. Because guess what?

I am pregnant.


Let that sink in a minute, cause it sure has NOT sunk in with me.

We were not trying. We were HAPPY. I was finally feeling good. Don't get me wrong, every fiber of my being wants this baby. I am just so damn scared. I have to wean off some of my meds, which is okay. It's a small price to pay for the potential to have a healthy baby. But I am worried about handling the stress without them.

The odds are against me. Six losses in four years. No answers from doctors or tests.

I can't get my hopes up. People keep telling me to have faith, to think positive, that this time it will be different...but if I let myself have those thoughts, how much more crushing will the loss be?

I debated posting this, even as I type it, I am not sure when I will. But this blog has never been about the happy shiny side of me.

Was it smart to get pregnant a month after a nervous breakdown? Hell no. Was this planned? Hell no. But if somehow, I manage to carry this baby to term and have another child I will be over the moon.

If this pregnancy ends like the last six, I will have to scrape the pieces of me that are left back together again. AGAIN. And I will because I have to.

Also apparently we will need to try to figure out how the hell birth control works.

**edited to add, not get the best feeling about how this is going, wont know for sure til next week.


PrincessJenn said...

Hugs and magical baby fairy dust coming your way.

Sarah R said...

Yes. Magical baby fairy dust sounds like a plan. I like that, PrincessJenn.

Anonymous said...

I'm rooting for baby fairy dust and praying hard for you, sweetie.

anymommy said...

Just caught up. Absolutely everything crossed for you. xoxo.

PS that last comment was me logged into the wrong account.

thepsychobabble said...

Fingers crossed that everything goes well.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Sending love. I had lots of losses and finally got diagnosed with anticardiolipin syndrome. The only thing that kept me pregnant the last time was heparin. Ask your doctor to test you if she hasn't already.

PS. I know lots of people who've stayed on antidepressants while pregnant and none had any complications from it. Just so you know.

mom2nji said...

Thanks Jenny,
I was tested for all the clotting disorders. All came back fine. I was on a tricycletic antidepressant, which is older and not safe for pregnancy. A lot of the newer SSRI's are safe, but I am allergic to them.