New Year

New me?

Or maybe going back to same old me. I am not there, but I am working on it. Or maybe I won't be the same person on the other end of this.

Of course life goes on around you, even when you fall apart. My extended family has suffered several blows. We all just keep on trucking. There is no choice.

My resolution this year is one thing...health; mental and physical.
I can finally walk again. There is pain, but not nearly as bad. I am no longer using a wheel chair at Disney. It only took 12 months longer than the doctor said it would, but I am getting there. So I want to try to walk daily. At this point, even more importantly I want my head to be fixed. I am getting there on that front too, but every day is still a struggle.

I am still scared. Way more than I need to be. I can't control it.

I feel like all I have done is bitch, whine, and cry for weeksmonths. I am to the point I can fake it during the day. I can be a mom, cook dinner, do the shopping, ect, things that I couldn't handle a few weeks ago. The headaches are getting better and more manageable. I also am able to have happy thoughts again.

However there are moments, like right now as I write this, that I am filled with fear and paranoia. My fingers itch to Google all the bad ideas in my head. To build that fear into full blown hysteria, like adding fuel to a fire. Part of my brain wants that fire. I just want it to shut the hell up.

I did that three words about me thing today. The most used word was strong. I don't feel strong and I hate it. I am supposed to be strong dammit. I always have been.