What I am, is what I am?

Bonus points if you recognize the Edie Brickell lyrics.

So what am I?

I have been pretty quiet on here, because I can't seem to find the answer to that question. I can't find words at all. This post has been sitting in drafts for three days and I still don't think it makes sense.

Is that sad at 32, I have no idea what I am outside of a mother and a wife? A nurturer, someone who has always taken care of other people first. I used to think that was enough. In fact, I was defensive with other mothers who searched for their identity outside of the home. Why would I need anything more than this? Of course I thought I would have more time in this phase of my life. That I would still have a baby or two now. That didn't happen. I am now looking at my not so little boys, rapidly flying towards not needing me anymore. Of course not in the near future, but it everyday they need me a little less.

I am in school, going on year four, and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I can't seem to reconcile who I am as a mom with who I could be outside of that. I feel guilty wanting to find out who that is. I hide major parts of myself from everyone, because it doesn't fit into the mold of who I SHOULD be. I admire the friends that I have that can just BE. The internet me, is a very PG version of me and I fear letting the REAL me out of the bag, well what I know of the real me.

Is this a part of the semi-mental breakdown I just had or I am finally getting clarity and moving past the fears that have dictated my life til this point? I honestly have no clue. I have lived with fear as long as I can remember, it wasn't wasn't always as crushing as it was recently, but I can't think of a time that I wasn't afraid. I have been honest with this struggle over the past few weeks, but there is so much, some long past, that brought what happened on. Things I can't bring myself to share. I have typed out parts and they sit in drafts. I know that what I need to share will hurt other people and I can't bring myself to do it.

So what I am trying to sputter around is, I have no idea who I want to be. Or how much of that I can show to the world.

I am not saying that my identity being mostly a wife and mother is wrong. It is part of who I am, what I do. I am just thinking I need more now.