Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What I am, is what I am?

Bonus points if you recognize the Edie Brickell lyrics.

So what am I?

I have been pretty quiet on here, because I can't seem to find the answer to that question. I can't find words at all. This post has been sitting in drafts for three days and I still don't think it makes sense.

Is that sad at 32, I have no idea what I am outside of a mother and a wife? A nurturer, someone who has always taken care of other people first. I used to think that was enough. In fact, I was defensive with other mothers who searched for their identity outside of the home. Why would I need anything more than this? Of course I thought I would have more time in this phase of my life. That I would still have a baby or two now. That didn't happen. I am now looking at my not so little boys, rapidly flying towards not needing me anymore. Of course not in the near future, but it everyday they need me a little less.

I am in school, going on year four, and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I can't seem to reconcile who I am as a mom with who I could be outside of that. I feel guilty wanting to find out who that is. I hide major parts of myself from everyone, because it doesn't fit into the mold of who I SHOULD be. I admire the friends that I have that can just BE. The internet me, is a very PG version of me and I fear letting the REAL me out of the bag, well what I know of the real me.

Is this a part of the semi-mental breakdown I just had or I am finally getting clarity and moving past the fears that have dictated my life til this point? I honestly have no clue. I have lived with fear as long as I can remember, it wasn't wasn't always as crushing as it was recently, but I can't think of a time that I wasn't afraid. I have been honest with this struggle over the past few weeks, but there is so much, some long past, that brought what happened on. Things I can't bring myself to share. I have typed out parts and they sit in drafts. I know that what I need to share will hurt other people and I can't bring myself to do it.

So what I am trying to sputter around is, I have no idea who I want to be. Or how much of that I can show to the world.

I am not saying that my identity being mostly a wife and mother is wrong. It is part of who I am, what I do. I am just thinking I need more now.


judy said...

Its easy to think that the boys wont need you so much in the coming years, fact is they will need you MORE. Now thats not to say you shouldnt get your own career and move towards something for yourself, but dont make the mistake of thinking they wont need you..the most important decsions and times of thier lives are coming up...
love you! mom

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