Saturday, May 1, 2010

Lost

This time I was so hopeful.

I had made it past the mark I lost the last few pregnancies, and was really starting to think this baby would make it. I woke up this morning and felt off. The normal cramps I'd been having were much more painful. I tried to brush it off, but then I had some spotting. Having been down this ugly road five times in the past, I had a sinking feeling.

I knew there was no way I could wait til Monday to know, so I went to the ER. I was lucky, they were empty and they got me in fast. At first the news was good, cervix was closed and no bleeding. They took a gallon of blood and ordered an ultrasound.

I knew. I could see the screen. Even though at the hospital they can't tell you anything, I could see, the sac was too small and empty.

I was sent back to my room to wait for the results. To wait more than an hour, alone. The sinking feeling kept growing, until the doctor walked in the room. Then it bottomed out. The sac was indeed empty, he said it could be just a four week pregnancy. No dice, I have KNOWN for three weeks.

But the real end game was my hcg levels. Two weeks ago, my hcg went from 78 to 155 in 48 hours, an almost perfect double. Today, 13 days later? My level should have been over 10k, it was only 1k.

I burst into tears, horrible ugly tears. I felt crappy for doing it. I try to not to fall apart, but I was really hopeful and this was a crushing blow.

More than likely this is a blighted ovum. Not my first, I had one almost 2 years ago to the month. I am terrified of needing another d&c. No matter what treatment we end up choosing, this will not be over for at least two weeks.

I am tired, so tired. I am also sad, angry, heart broken, and lost. I am more angry than I care to admit, I feel like God is screwing with me. But I am just as angry at myself for getting my hopes up.

Unless my new Dr. finds a miracle reason for all of this, we are done trying for another baby. My heart can take no more.

I wish I could express, what all your tweets, facebook replies, and hugs have meant to me tonight. One thing I don't feel is alone. Thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart.

28 comments:

Marinka said...

My thoughts are with you. xox

Mamma Mia said...

Hang in there. My thoughts are with you tonight.

Maria Melee said...

I'm so sorry, Jenni. Thinking of you.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Thinking of you, Jenni.

Chibi Jeebs said...

All my love. <3

anymommy said...

I'm thinking of you with love. I am so very sorry for this loss.

Autumn said...

I love you Jenni, I will give you time for now but please know I'm here for you always.

fidget said...

(((hugs)))

MCMFamily said...

I am so sorry. Praying for you. Love Mary

Sarah said...

My heart is heavy for you & your family. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Thinking of you.

PrincessJenn said...

I am so so so sorry. So much love coming your way.
HUGS

Tatiana said...

Sending you love love love. My heart aches for you.

Maria @BOREDmommy said...

I wish I could do more than tell you I am so sorry. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

Adrienne said...

We don't know each other, but I can't read without telling you how deeply sorry I am.

Adelas said...

I'm so sorry.

Let me just plead to have it double checked before any cleanout procedures. My daughter (8 months next week) at my 5 week ultrasound did not appear within the sac. At 7 weeks she was happy, heart beating, and healthy all throughout. I knew exactly which day I ovulated and she was conceived, but the doc was convinced I was off by a week or more ("you couldn't have known that early, it didn't show up because it was too early to see, must have been 4 week ultra, not 5." - although at 7 week exam she measured exactly 7 weeks).

You know your body and (it sounds like) this cycle better than anyone, I admittedly did not have any spotting (even implantation spotting), and I am not trying to "be of good cheer" or anything. Still, I wanted to share my story.

I'll be over here thinking of you.

mom2nji said...

Adelas,
I don't know what I am going to do, yet. I would honestly wait it out a few weeks if my hcg was even close to normal. I waited a month last time, because my hcg was ok. This time my hcg is VERY far off and not at all doubling. I have no hope.

mom2nji said...

Thank you all.

heather... said...

I am so sorry. Keeping you in my heart. Xoxo

Heather said...

Thinking of you tonight. I don't know you, and I know words don't fix anything, but I will be praying that you might be at peace and be comforted.

giveherlove said...

I'm so sorry. Praying & thinking about you and your family.

Cindy said...

My thoughts will be with you, too.

Sarah R said...

I know you are devastated, I really do, but I ask that you please not make any permanent decisions regarding your fertility for a while. I did and you know how it was made me a miserable woman. Hugs to you and Neil. xoxox

colleen said...

I am so very, very sorry.

Avitable said...

I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

BeautifulWreck said...

I am so sorry dear friend! My thoughts and prayers are with you. When you are up to it, we will talk.

Love and hugs, Kim

Caroline said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Karl said...

So sorry to hear this.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I am so, so sorry, Jenni.

xoxo