Lost

This time I was so hopeful.

I had made it past the mark I lost the last few pregnancies, and was really starting to think this baby would make it. I woke up this morning and felt off. The normal cramps I'd been having were much more painful. I tried to brush it off, but then I had some spotting. Having been down this ugly road five times in the past, I had a sinking feeling.

I knew there was no way I could wait til Monday to know, so I went to the ER. I was lucky, they were empty and they got me in fast. At first the news was good, cervix was closed and no bleeding. They took a gallon of blood and ordered an ultrasound.

I knew. I could see the screen. Even though at the hospital they can't tell you anything, I could see, the sac was too small and empty.

I was sent back to my room to wait for the results. To wait more than an hour, alone. The sinking feeling kept growing, until the doctor walked in the room. Then it bottomed out. The sac was indeed empty, he said it could be just a four week pregnancy. No dice, I have KNOWN for three weeks.

But the real end game was my hcg levels. Two weeks ago, my hcg went from 78 to 155 in 48 hours, an almost perfect double. Today, 13 days later? My level should have been over 10k, it was only 1k.

I burst into tears, horrible ugly tears. I felt crappy for doing it. I try to not to fall apart, but I was really hopeful and this was a crushing blow.

More than likely this is a blighted ovum. Not my first, I had one almost 2 years ago to the month. I am terrified of needing another d&c. No matter what treatment we end up choosing, this will not be over for at least two weeks.

I am tired, so tired. I am also sad, angry, heart broken, and lost. I am more angry than I care to admit, I feel like God is screwing with me. But I am just as angry at myself for getting my hopes up.

Unless my new Dr. finds a miracle reason for all of this, we are done trying for another baby. My heart can take no more.

I wish I could express, what all your tweets, facebook replies, and hugs have meant to me tonight. One thing I don't feel is alone. Thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart.