Monday, May 10, 2010

Limbo...a little longer

Many of you have read my broken twitter stream today and half explanation of my doctors appointment. I really didn't care for the new doctor at all, but that is besides the point.

I had a another ultrasound, it showed a slightly larger sac than the one I had nine days ago. Unfortunately, there was still no baby. Which by seven plus weeks SHOULD be there.

I was fully expecting the doctor to confirm a blighted ovum and move on with treatment, but he did not. He said as long as my levels rise at all and there is a sac, he will not be willing to say it is not viable until 9-10 weeks.

I nearly crumbled. I CAN NOT deal with the hormones for two more weeks, knowing there is no baby.

The doctor did not listen to me, AT ALL. Not about my history, my concerns about a clotting disorder, or the math just not adding up with this pregnancy. I get that he is trying to be optimistic and that many women need that, but this is not my first,second,thirdforthfifth loss. I don't need happy thoughts, I need the damn truth.

I went to the lab and for yet another hcg test, my levels went from 1050 nine days ago to 3557, they should be between 20-60k. I go back for another draw on Friday. Then for another ultrasound in TWO FREAKING WEEKS. Two more weeks in limbo.

The doctor also wants me to start a higher dose of progesterone, which seems like a mute point to me. Also chemical torture. It makes me miserable and will stop my body from naturally miscarrying.

I know I sound pessimistic, but the truth is I know too much. I KNOW there is no hope. So what do I do? Do I continue to live like I am pregnant and take the progesterone, building false hope? Or do I just let it go and wait it out until the doctor concedes the pregnancy is not viable?

I feel beaten. Tired, angry, sad, beaten.

Thank you all so much for supporting me and putting up with my nonstop whining. I adore you all.


Woo222 said...

You aren't whining, you are keeping us informed and also seeking support, which is important and healthy. I'm so sorry this doc didn't listen to you. :( I really do think you should find a different doc, one who is willing to listen to you, but I know it's tricky to get a new high risk doc right in the middle of this situation. There's got to be SOMEONE good out there who will listen and help you. I know you feel beaten down, I don't think anyone else in your situation would feel differently. Keep leaning on your friends and remember that you aren't alone. Would it be improper to just go through the damn phone book and call EVERY doc in there and explain your situation? I'd be tempted if I were you. Sending you all my love, Susan

April said...

i *love* my doc. let me know if you want his info :-)