Monday, May 24, 2010

Meaning Well

If you hadn't guessed, I am struggling. Since, this blog is pretty much my only outlet for these feelings right now, it's not going to be a pretty place.

I have occasionally tweeted or posted an update on Facebook about my difficulty in dealing the past few days, only to be inundated with replies like, "Just enjoy your three boys", "Your life is complete without a baby", "It's just the hormones", and "Maybe you just aren't meant to have a baby"

I KNOW they mean well, I mean I hope they do, but those comments do not help.

I am well aware I am blessed with three healthy sons, they are fabulous. And I am very grateful to have them. But having them, does not make the pain of losing yet another baby any less difficult to take.

My life does not feel complete and how can any other person be in a place to decide that for me?

Yeah there are a shit ton of hormones involved, but they are not the only reason I am upset. I am grieving, I feel alone, I feel broken, I am angry, hormones are only a part of that.

And the last one, oh God the last one... Maybe I am not meant to have a baby. How the hell do I deal with that? Can I magically turn off the desire to have another baby?

I put off dealing with the emotional pain of this loss because dealing with the physical pain was just too much. Now that the physical is over, I have to deal.

Have to deal with not just loss, but all six of them. What they mean for my body, my mind, and my family. I feel like there is no hope for us to ever have another baby. Part of me wants to try again. The other part of me can't, just can't face this kind of pain again.

I was trying to feel normal today, but was blindsided again.

I go for my follow up on Friday, but I am not expecting any answers or help. The doctor seems content just to think I am just not meant to have more. Now I just need to find a way to feel that way too.

9 comments:

alicia said...

You're right. No one can say anything that will make it better for you. But I'm sorry for the hurt and confusion you feel. Sometimes in our times of greatest trials it's hard to see what is best, but I know that soon enough you will know what that is. Good luck.

Tatiana said...

I'm sorry, Jenny, if I've said something to hurt you unintentionally. I feel like being silent would be even worse.

And shame on whoever would say "It's just the hormones" or "Maybe you just aren't meant to have a baby". Those are flippant, thoughtlessly cruel comments.

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry. People say stupid things because they don't tend to think before they speak. At least that's what I always tell myself.

It's hard to know the right thing to say in the face of so much pain. I'll just go with, I'm listening.

Mandy Barrett said...

I have seen what each one of these loses have done to you. Hell, after this last one, I felt a loss as well. I hope that I did not make it worse with my want of a new nephew/neice this time. You know that I have always considered your babies as my babies. I feel the hole too because we are so close, you are part of me. I see the brave front you put on to friends and family. I see how strong you really are. My brain barely wraps around that pain that you have felt due to Kai and the other losses. I never know quite what to say, because as alicia said, there is nothing that can be said that will make you feel better and it tears me up inside that I can not help. For those people who said, maybe you were not meant to have another one, what if you had listened to them after Jordan?? My bright shining star would not be here. You know that whatever you decide to do I will support you, whether it be to try again or try an adoption route. The reality is that no one has the right to judge you or decision that are made for your family. I know that they mean well. I don't ever want to see you have to go through a loss like this again, so there is part of me that wants to say it is not worth it, but I know if your heart is still missing a piece, than it is WORTH it. In this dark time, I just hope that you know that you have a family that loves you so much and would do anything for you. I was blessed to have you as a sister, because I got not just a sister but a best friend. You are truely my soulmate. You know more about me than anyone else in this world. I know that you are in a dark place now, the loss, the hormones, the pain you have been through, but just now that I have a flashlight here waiting for you and I will do everything I can to help you out of this. Sometimes I forget to tell you just how much you mean to me. How great my love is. You have given me a family and a home my whole life. Where ever you are represents family to me. I know how strong, loving, compassionate, and smart you are. You deal daily with things most people would run from. You have always been my hero. Please tell me if there is anything that I can do. I love you.

SWMama said...

The situation just sucks, any way you paint it. As far as I'm concerned, the only correct response is, "I'm so sorry. What can I do for you?" And I really am sorry.

colleen said...

I can't say anything to make this right, or better, or anything. Some people don't know what to say and others are just down right rude. I'm so sorry. Sending you love and strength.

PrincessJenn said...

Hugs, hugs, more hugs.
You are grieving and you need to be allowed (and allow yourself) to grieve. And whatever that looks like, we'll still be here to offer love when you need it, wrap you in hugs when you need it, prop you up when you need it. Please don't ever think you're alone. xoxox

mom2nji said...

Thank you all. Yesterday was a hard day. This is grieving crap is an ugly process, its nice to have friends through it.

Annah said...

This was very honest and courageous all on its own (your post). You'll see it through. NO one can understand how you feel. But, your sons are absolutely beautiful, and so are you :)