If you hadn't guessed, I am struggling. Since, this blog is pretty much my only outlet for these feelings right now, it's not going to be a pretty place.
I have occasionally tweeted or posted an update on Facebook about my difficulty in dealing the past few days, only to be inundated with replies like, "Just enjoy your three boys", "Your life is complete without a baby", "It's just the hormones", and "Maybe you just aren't meant to have a baby"
I KNOW they mean well, I mean I hope they do, but those comments do not help.
I am well aware I am blessed with three healthy sons, they are fabulous. And I am very grateful to have them. But having them, does not make the pain of losing yet another baby any less difficult to take.
My life does not feel complete and how can any other person be in a place to decide that for me?
Yeah there are a shit ton of hormones involved, but they are not the only reason I am upset. I am grieving, I feel alone, I feel broken, I am angry, hormones are only a part of that.
And the last one, oh God the last one... Maybe I am not meant to have a baby. How the hell do I deal with that? Can I magically turn off the desire to have another baby?
I put off dealing with the emotional pain of this loss because dealing with the physical pain was just too much. Now that the physical is over, I have to deal.
Have to deal with not just loss, but all six of them. What they mean for my body, my mind, and my family. I feel like there is no hope for us to ever have another baby. Part of me wants to try again. The other part of me can't, just can't face this kind of pain again.
I was trying to feel normal today, but was blindsided again.
I go for my follow up on Friday, but I am not expecting any answers or help. The doctor seems content just to think I am just not meant to have more. Now I just need to find a way to feel that way too.