I don't remember much about the days and weeks after I lost Kai, besides pain. I remember I some how functioned most days, but it was not on any real level at all. I went off the deep end for a while, did things that could have ruined or ended my life. I was selfish, in horrible ways. I could not get past, the black hole that sucked me in further every day.
One of the many things I am still carrying from those months, is losing many friends during that time and the pain and confusion it caused. Later, I found out that they all spent time talking about how horrible I had become. Did I deserve it? Probably. Like I said I was not is a good place. When you stand in your kitchen with a knife to your wrists, while screaming at your poor husband, something ain't right. There are so many scars from that time.
When the dust settled and I got professional help. I had to access my life, I went back to school, to do something for me. I HAD to learn to let go of somethings/people. I transferred my obsession to school, determined to never see a B. Not really healthy either, but baby steps people.
As usual, I have gone off on a tangent here, back to the friendship and feelings.
Those scars are the deepest. Here I am dealing with loss number six. Six in three years. Though I have cried and bitched on here and Twitter, I still live in fear. Fear you all will reject me for being a selfish baby through all of this. I have not really told my true feelings to anyone in real life. I CAN'T. I tell everyone it's okay, I am okay. I accept condolences, with a simple thank you, because I can't share anymore. The flood gates might burst.
Even as I type this, I know, rationally, anyone who can't understand my emotions, isn't a real friend. I KNOW that. But I still can't.
But the problem is, as I feel my hormones crash again, I don't think I can go on this way either. I feel like a time bomb, ready to sob at a moments notice.
There will be more scars this time. You can't escape loss without them, any loss. This one is pretty big, besides the loss of another baby, one we planned to be snuggling at Christmas, there are deeper issues. Depending on the results of tests that are/ or will be run, there is a good chance our family of five will stay that size forever. There will always be a forth child missing. How do I handle that? How can I just keep saying thank you, with a sad fake ass smile and keep going? It's horrible, but I even feel bad reading the supportive comments (which don't get me wrong have SAVED me the past few weeks) because I feel like there is a limit on support and you all will grow tired of my pathetic state.
God, I am seriously screwed up.