Saturday, May 22, 2010

Scars

I don't remember much about the days and weeks after I lost Kai, besides pain. I remember I some how functioned most days, but it was not on any real level at all. I went off the deep end for a while, did things that could have ruined or ended my life. I was selfish, in horrible ways. I could not get past, the black hole that sucked me in further every day.

One of the many things I am still carrying from those months, is losing many friends during that time and the pain and confusion it caused. Later, I found out that they all spent time talking about how horrible I had become. Did I deserve it? Probably. Like I said I was not is a good place. When you stand in your kitchen with a knife to your wrists, while screaming at your poor husband, something ain't right. There are so many scars from that time.

When the dust settled and I got professional help. I had to access my life, I went back to school, to do something for me. I HAD to learn to let go of somethings/people. I transferred my obsession to school, determined to never see a B. Not really healthy either, but baby steps people.

As usual, I have gone off on a tangent here, back to the friendship and feelings.

Those scars are the deepest. Here I am dealing with loss number six. Six in three years. Though I have cried and bitched on here and Twitter, I still live in fear. Fear you all will reject me for being a selfish baby through all of this. I have not really told my true feelings to anyone in real life. I CAN'T. I tell everyone it's okay, I am okay. I accept condolences, with a simple thank you, because I can't share anymore. The flood gates might burst.

Even as I type this, I know, rationally, anyone who can't understand my emotions, isn't a real friend. I KNOW that. But I still can't.

But the problem is, as I feel my hormones crash again, I don't think I can go on this way either. I feel like a time bomb, ready to sob at a moments notice.

There will be more scars this time. You can't escape loss without them, any loss. This one is pretty big, besides the loss of another baby, one we planned to be snuggling at Christmas, there are deeper issues. Depending on the results of tests that are/ or will be run, there is a good chance our family of five will stay that size forever. There will always be a forth child missing. How do I handle that? How can I just keep saying thank you, with a sad fake ass smile and keep going? It's horrible, but I even feel bad reading the supportive comments (which don't get me wrong have SAVED me the past few weeks) because I feel like there is a limit on support and you all will grow tired of my pathetic state.

God, I am seriously screwed up.

10 comments:

Willow said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My 20 year old daughter died tragicly in 2004. I know that hole that can't be filled, and I know going off the deep end. I'm sorry.

Jamie said...

Oh honey, you are NOT being a selfish baby. I still cry over the 2 I lost 5 years ago. The pain NEVER leaves and it's so hard for other people to understand what miscarriages feel like. I was actually told to "get over it" about 4 months after I lost the last one. You never "get over it" those are your babies and you have every right to be as upset as you want to be. Other people don't understand because they couldn't "see" the baby but a mother "feels" her babies even before they can physically feel them move. I guess I can't speak for everyone but I will never think bad of you for sharing your feelings. I actually think that you're doing a GREAT thing that you are bringing awareness to the emotional and physical pain that miscarriages cause. Other people need to know how much this hurts.

I know I got a lot of well wishes and sympathy but the thing that meant most to me was a simple little card I got from a lady at church who had tried for years to have a baby and when I lost my 1st, she admitted to having several miscarriages. The note simply said, Heaven is a sweeter place now that your baby is there. Just keep in mind that one day, you'll be able to see all 6 of your babies again. And right now, you have 3 beautiful boys to love and they need you. Keep trying and it will happen. Love you sweetie.

My Bottle's Up! said...

jenni- you grieve howeverthehell you need to grieve. you have a lot of support both online and offline. you are a beautiful, surviving and strong mother... scars and all. i'm so sorry.

Amanda in BC said...

Oh Jenni, I know how you feel! 5 years ago my dad borrowed my car then used it to commit suicide. It ruined me! I quickly learned who my friends were and it hurt so much to lose people. I was no fun to be around and it took me a long time to recover. But the people who stood by me are still close friends today and I am so grateful for them. You just keep on writing and reaching out, we care about you here and it will not grow old! There will be scars but you will heal in your own time.

alicia said...

You are not a selfish baby...

You are justified in how you feel.
And noone has the right to judge you.

anymommy said...

You are not screwed up (well, no more than any one else), you are just grieving. And your in the middle of a horrible miscarriage. I am so sorry. I'm here, I'm listening.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry. I'm super sorry that your friends weren't more supportive.

You have friends here and we're all going to be here for as long as it takes. That's just the way it works.

Sarah R said...

I lost many friends when my Bucket was diagnosed with autism and I couldn't just drop it all to go hang out and party like I used to.
The people I still have in my life. They're special. And worth having. Those people who aren't? I don't miss em.
It's a terrible way to weed out the crap people, but it is effective.
Those of us who are left? We're good peeps. ;)
And you don't owe us any explanations right now. Grieve as you need to. We'll still be here.

fidget said...

down in that hole, you find your friends. They are the one's who jump down in it with you and try to hold you up. They arent always strong enough to ride out the entire thing, but in retrospect you see it.

Ive been in that hole. I lost a lot of friends but there are ones with whom my heart will never part.

You need to grieve, you need to allow that. I have 5 babies and I still miss every last one of mine that didnt make it.

I love you and I am here to listen and love you out of that hole- you hear me?

**hugs**

Woo222 said...

There is no limit on our love and support. Let the tears come, don't hold back anything. I hate the hurtful responses you've received from "well meaning" people. How well meaning can people be if they aren't being compassionate and empathetic?

It isn't NEARLY the same thing at all, but after I was sexually assaulted, I lost loads of friends. Some because they judged and blamed me, and some because I was very much changed by the assault and some "friends" couldn't handle that. I had precious few, and girl, I mean few, like 2 or 3 who stuck by me.
It hurts like hell, but it isn't something I'd change now. I learned who was real and who wasn't.

Be gentle with yourself. I know I don't look down on you, and I don't think many others do either. If there are any at all, screw them. Life is so, so hard and painful. We only have each other. I'm glad you are talking and writing about what's going on. I love you. Do you still have my number? You can call anytime day or night. (hugs) ~Susan