While chatting with my oldest friend, she told me that her sister (who I have known since I was 12) thought I was one of the strongest people she knew.
Wow.
I am feeling really weak right about now. I am an emotional mess and my body is tired. I feel like I have whined about this miscarriage too much. Maybe wallowed in the sorrow too long.
So what makes a person strong? Is it the ability to move through obstacles without a scratch? Or is it the ability to get scratches (hell in some cases, be hit by semi) and keep going?
I have a tendency to complain. No really, I do. Ha ha. Despite this fact, I really try not to dwell on the negative. And my life has had more than its share of negative.
Messed up childhood. check
Poverty. check
Disable child. check (though this is a challenge, I don't actually see it as a negative, Noah brings more joy than any negative aspects could ever outweigh)
Losing baby. check
Way too many miscarriages. check
*see I like to whine*
Yet, I am for the most part happy. I have the best freaking husband ever. Seriously he is hot AND like to clean the kitchen. And oh yeah he is a great dad. I three amazing now-not-so-little-boys. I am blessed.
Sometimes I have to smack myself to remember these things. This has been a rough week, I won't lie. I've a pity party and cried over our misfortune. But last night as I crept into each boys room to kiss them in their sleep, I started to cry for a different reason. I have it better than so many people. No matter what life has thrown my way, someone else always has it worse.
Does that make me a strong person? Ha. I have no idea. I look at people like Heather Spohr and Loralee and think of strength.
I am just a mom.
Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Loss
I have been on a roller coaster that I cannot even find an adjective to describe.
Last week, to our complete shock, I found out I was expecting.
This is the first time I got pregnant without trying. At first I was scared and worried, but after a few days I got excited. Dh was thrilled and hopeful for a successful pregnancy.
On Monday I was more crampy than normal, so I called my doctor for a blood test. The results were not great, but they weren't bad news either. Because of my previous losses, I was more than worried about the numbers not doubling, I was taking home tests every day(okay I was obsessively testing several times a day). One night my test turned much lighter and I knew... The second blood test confirmed it my levels were falling.
Another miscarriage.
Then it was waiting game, for the bomb to drop, the actual miscarriage.
I was, and still am, numb.
I was not very far along and that helps a bit. I think the hardest part is to accept that this was loss number FIVE. Five babies that I was carrying and were never able to be born. With each loss it seems more and more likely that Isaiah will be our last. Being done with baby making is something I have been fighting hard to be okay with, and lets just say, I have not succeeded. I think because of Kai's loss, it feels like we have an empty place in our family, not that another baby will fill that space. But I just feel like our family is not complete.
Unlike my previous losses, I had the support of so many awesome online friends. The support has really helped. I am depressed and hurting, but I know I will survive this. Last night the miscarriage itself hit full force, today I am hurting and drained emotionally.
I have cried. I have yelled. I have been sad. I have screamed at God. Today it has been more of a whimper, I supposed. I just wish I knew why this keeps happening.
I honestly don't know where we will go from here. We have the option of seeking extensive testing (out of pocket) to try to figure out why I suddenly cannot carry a baby. We could also decide to be truly done having babies and for the first time in our marriage do something to prevent pregnancy. I have no idea what to do. I am too tired to think about it today.
Last week, to our complete shock, I found out I was expecting.
This is the first time I got pregnant without trying. At first I was scared and worried, but after a few days I got excited. Dh was thrilled and hopeful for a successful pregnancy.
On Monday I was more crampy than normal, so I called my doctor for a blood test. The results were not great, but they weren't bad news either. Because of my previous losses, I was more than worried about the numbers not doubling, I was taking home tests every day(okay I was obsessively testing several times a day). One night my test turned much lighter and I knew... The second blood test confirmed it my levels were falling.
Another miscarriage.
Then it was waiting game, for the bomb to drop, the actual miscarriage.
I was, and still am, numb.
I was not very far along and that helps a bit. I think the hardest part is to accept that this was loss number FIVE. Five babies that I was carrying and were never able to be born. With each loss it seems more and more likely that Isaiah will be our last. Being done with baby making is something I have been fighting hard to be okay with, and lets just say, I have not succeeded. I think because of Kai's loss, it feels like we have an empty place in our family, not that another baby will fill that space. But I just feel like our family is not complete.
Unlike my previous losses, I had the support of so many awesome online friends. The support has really helped. I am depressed and hurting, but I know I will survive this. Last night the miscarriage itself hit full force, today I am hurting and drained emotionally.
I have cried. I have yelled. I have been sad. I have screamed at God. Today it has been more of a whimper, I supposed. I just wish I knew why this keeps happening.
I honestly don't know where we will go from here. We have the option of seeking extensive testing (out of pocket) to try to figure out why I suddenly cannot carry a baby. We could also decide to be truly done having babies and for the first time in our marriage do something to prevent pregnancy. I have no idea what to do. I am too tired to think about it today.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
2 Years Ago Today **Warning not a happy story
Two years ago today, I was smack in the middle of every pregnant woman's nightmare.
I was almost 5 months pregnant and feeling great about it, after a scare the week before(not being able to find his heartbeat with the Doppler) an ultrasound showed a wiggly very much alive baby. But the relief was short lived...
On March 3th I went to bed feeling achy, pretty common when you are in the second trimester with a 4th pregnancy, but woke up to a soaked bed at about 3 am. I knew right away my water had broken, I rushed to the hospital knowing there was little they could do if it was the case. The ultrasound confirmed my fears, but also gave me hope. My water was leaking, but there was still plenty of fluid and the baby
looked ok. I was to go home and stay in bed til the doctor could see me.
I was at the doctors as soon as they opened... Only to be berated by him.
I was informed there was no way my water had broken, and that due to my weight I had probably wet the bed and didn't know the difference. As I was there the aches turned to cramping, but my concerns were still brushed aside. I left frustrated, terrified, and determined to find help.
I drove to a hospital in Orlando, only to be turned away because my doctor didn't have privileges there and refused to let me be seen.
By then I was almost doubled over in pain, so I went to yet another hospital, this time NOT giving my OB's name, until after I was seen. I could feel the baby kicking much harder than I had before as I lay there, I was also feeling full contractions.
The staff doctor came to my room with tears in his eyes (God bless him, he was a nice man), the ultrasound revealed almost no water and a our little one's heartbeat was only 60. The doctor estimated he would be gone by morning. I was told to see my ob in the morning to discuss delivery options. I was alone for this news, as dh was home with the other 3 kids and it was again the middle of night. I came home and collapsed in bed, numb. I could still feel the baby kicking, but less so. I eventually drifted to sleep. In the morning the kicks were gone, and I knew so was our son.
I was in less of a rush to return to the a$$hole doctors office, but knew I need to go. I refused care of the doctor from the previous day and demanded to see the other doctor in the practice. They did another ultrasound to confirm what I already knew; but seeing him still, with no heartbeat on their 50in ultrasound screen, shattered me.
I couldn't stop sobbing. The in office u/s tech who did all 3 other boys ultrasounds was very sympathetic, but once again the doctors were not.
I was informed I would be induced to deliver him, right away.
I was confused by this as I had 3 previous csections was told under no circumstances should I labor.
Through my tears (or hysterical sobbing), I told myself it would be over soon.
I had no idea how wrong I was. It took 5 days of induced labor, with hemorrhaging, to deliver him. Everyday I begged for a d&c, but was refused.
DH and I were both beyond exhaustion, when our son made his way into the world still.
Though we had known. he had passed on days ago, when he was born I shattered again. He was no longer a part of me, gone forever.
As soon as he was born the nurse* knew why we lost him. It was clear to her, what 6 ultrasounds had missed, he had complete Anencephaly . Our sons brain was missing and the top of his head was not closed. He would have had 0% change of survival. His autopsy revealed no brain tissue. We named him Malakai (Kai) Zachary.
I left the hospital the following morning and the next day (my birthday) was at a funeral home to collect his ashes.
I thought the pain would never end. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move past his loss. I wrote Kai letters, I questioned every part of my life, I pushed away friends, and seriously lacked as a mom to my other 3 children.
The following months were nearly the end of my marriage. All the books tell you to be prepared; you will grieve differently and that it can cause resentment. Nothing prepares you for the tornado of feelings that the loss of a child creates.
Emotionally, I managed to survive and so did my marriage. My dh should be sainted for those months alone.
When everything settled and my brain resumed function, we resolved to have another baby. I would have never guessed 2 years and 3 more losses later, we would still be without a baby.
The other losses have been hard, but nowhere near the same. I am much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and I have Kai to thank for that.
But, I still grieve on some level, I think I always will.
* the nurses were freaking amazing and super supportive.
I was almost 5 months pregnant and feeling great about it, after a scare the week before(not being able to find his heartbeat with the Doppler) an ultrasound showed a wiggly very much alive baby. But the relief was short lived...
On March 3th I went to bed feeling achy, pretty common when you are in the second trimester with a 4th pregnancy, but woke up to a soaked bed at about 3 am. I knew right away my water had broken, I rushed to the hospital knowing there was little they could do if it was the case. The ultrasound confirmed my fears, but also gave me hope. My water was leaking, but there was still plenty of fluid and the baby
looked ok. I was to go home and stay in bed til the doctor could see me.
I was at the doctors as soon as they opened... Only to be berated by him.
I was informed there was no way my water had broken, and that due to my weight I had probably wet the bed and didn't know the difference. As I was there the aches turned to cramping, but my concerns were still brushed aside. I left frustrated, terrified, and determined to find help.
I drove to a hospital in Orlando, only to be turned away because my doctor didn't have privileges there and refused to let me be seen.
By then I was almost doubled over in pain, so I went to yet another hospital, this time NOT giving my OB's name, until after I was seen. I could feel the baby kicking much harder than I had before as I lay there, I was also feeling full contractions.
The staff doctor came to my room with tears in his eyes (God bless him, he was a nice man), the ultrasound revealed almost no water and a our little one's heartbeat was only 60. The doctor estimated he would be gone by morning. I was told to see my ob in the morning to discuss delivery options. I was alone for this news, as dh was home with the other 3 kids and it was again the middle of night. I came home and collapsed in bed, numb. I could still feel the baby kicking, but less so. I eventually drifted to sleep. In the morning the kicks were gone, and I knew so was our son.
I was in less of a rush to return to the a$$hole doctors office, but knew I need to go. I refused care of the doctor from the previous day and demanded to see the other doctor in the practice. They did another ultrasound to confirm what I already knew; but seeing him still, with no heartbeat on their 50in ultrasound screen, shattered me.
I couldn't stop sobbing. The in office u/s tech who did all 3 other boys ultrasounds was very sympathetic, but once again the doctors were not.
I was informed I would be induced to deliver him, right away.
I was confused by this as I had 3 previous csections was told under no circumstances should I labor.
Through my tears (or hysterical sobbing), I told myself it would be over soon.
I had no idea how wrong I was. It took 5 days of induced labor, with hemorrhaging, to deliver him. Everyday I begged for a d&c, but was refused.
DH and I were both beyond exhaustion, when our son made his way into the world still.
Though we had known. he had passed on days ago, when he was born I shattered again. He was no longer a part of me, gone forever.
As soon as he was born the nurse* knew why we lost him. It was clear to her, what 6 ultrasounds had missed, he had complete Anencephaly . Our sons brain was missing and the top of his head was not closed. He would have had 0% change of survival. His autopsy revealed no brain tissue. We named him Malakai (Kai) Zachary.
I left the hospital the following morning and the next day (my birthday) was at a funeral home to collect his ashes.
I thought the pain would never end. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move past his loss. I wrote Kai letters, I questioned every part of my life, I pushed away friends, and seriously lacked as a mom to my other 3 children.
The following months were nearly the end of my marriage. All the books tell you to be prepared; you will grieve differently and that it can cause resentment. Nothing prepares you for the tornado of feelings that the loss of a child creates.
Emotionally, I managed to survive and so did my marriage. My dh should be sainted for those months alone.
When everything settled and my brain resumed function, we resolved to have another baby. I would have never guessed 2 years and 3 more losses later, we would still be without a baby.
The other losses have been hard, but nowhere near the same. I am much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and I have Kai to thank for that.
But, I still grieve on some level, I think I always will.
* the nurses were freaking amazing and super supportive.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Trying to Conceive
I try not to flood this blog with the heavy stories of our trying to conceive over the last two years, but as the second anniversary of Kai's loss, next month approaches I may dump some of my feelings into the blog-o-sphere. I am all too aware that I am not the only woman to go through these trials, not by a long shot. In fact, so many go through even worse.
If someone told me, even in the days after we lost him, that I would still be grieving so deeply 2 years later, I wouldn't have believed you.
It is easier, don't get me wrong, but there will always be someone missing from our family. This pain is compounded by the 3 losses that followed. I don't know if will ever be blessed with another baby, but I am learning to be okay with whatever God has planned for us.
Tomorrow one of my dearest friends will face the one year anniversary of the loss of her little girl, M you are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))
If someone told me, even in the days after we lost him, that I would still be grieving so deeply 2 years later, I wouldn't have believed you.
It is easier, don't get me wrong, but there will always be someone missing from our family. This pain is compounded by the 3 losses that followed. I don't know if will ever be blessed with another baby, but I am learning to be okay with whatever God has planned for us.
Tomorrow one of my dearest friends will face the one year anniversary of the loss of her little girl, M you are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
