Loss

I have been on a roller coaster that I cannot even find an adjective to describe.

Last week, to our complete shock, I found out I was expecting.

This is the first time I got pregnant without trying. At first I was scared and worried, but after a few days I got excited. Dh was thrilled and hopeful for a successful pregnancy.

On Monday I was more crampy than normal, so I called my doctor for a blood test. The results were not great, but they weren't bad news either. Because of my previous losses, I was more than worried about the numbers not doubling, I was taking home tests every day(okay I was obsessively testing several times a day). One night my test turned much lighter and I knew... The second blood test confirmed it my levels were falling.

Another miscarriage.

Then it was waiting game, for the bomb to drop, the actual miscarriage.

I was, and still am, numb.

I was not very far along and that helps a bit. I think the hardest part is to accept that this was loss number FIVE. Five babies that I was carrying and were never able to be born. With each loss it seems more and more likely that Isaiah will be our last. Being done with baby making is something I have been fighting hard to be okay with, and lets just say, I have not succeeded. I think because of Kai's loss, it feels like we have an empty place in our family, not that another baby will fill that space. But I just feel like our family is not complete.

Unlike my previous losses, I had the support of so many awesome online friends. The support has really helped. I am depressed and hurting, but I know I will survive this. Last night the miscarriage itself hit full force, today I am hurting and drained emotionally.

I have cried. I have yelled. I have been sad. I have screamed at God. Today it has been more of a whimper, I supposed. I just wish I knew why this keeps happening.

I honestly don't know where we will go from here. We have the option of seeking extensive testing (out of pocket) to try to figure out why I suddenly cannot carry a baby. We could also decide to be truly done having babies and for the first time in our marriage do something to prevent pregnancy. I have no idea what to do. I am too tired to think about it today.