Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Loss

I have been on a roller coaster that I cannot even find an adjective to describe.

Last week, to our complete shock, I found out I was expecting.

This is the first time I got pregnant without trying. At first I was scared and worried, but after a few days I got excited. Dh was thrilled and hopeful for a successful pregnancy.

On Monday I was more crampy than normal, so I called my doctor for a blood test. The results were not great, but they weren't bad news either. Because of my previous losses, I was more than worried about the numbers not doubling, I was taking home tests every day(okay I was obsessively testing several times a day). One night my test turned much lighter and I knew... The second blood test confirmed it my levels were falling.

Another miscarriage.

Then it was waiting game, for the bomb to drop, the actual miscarriage.

I was, and still am, numb.

I was not very far along and that helps a bit. I think the hardest part is to accept that this was loss number FIVE. Five babies that I was carrying and were never able to be born. With each loss it seems more and more likely that Isaiah will be our last. Being done with baby making is something I have been fighting hard to be okay with, and lets just say, I have not succeeded. I think because of Kai's loss, it feels like we have an empty place in our family, not that another baby will fill that space. But I just feel like our family is not complete.

Unlike my previous losses, I had the support of so many awesome online friends. The support has really helped. I am depressed and hurting, but I know I will survive this. Last night the miscarriage itself hit full force, today I am hurting and drained emotionally.

I have cried. I have yelled. I have been sad. I have screamed at God. Today it has been more of a whimper, I supposed. I just wish I knew why this keeps happening.

I honestly don't know where we will go from here. We have the option of seeking extensive testing (out of pocket) to try to figure out why I suddenly cannot carry a baby. We could also decide to be truly done having babies and for the first time in our marriage do something to prevent pregnancy. I have no idea what to do. I am too tired to think about it today.

10 comments:

Mommy Melee said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetie, I am so, so sorry. My heart is so heavy, reading these words. Please, if you need anything. I'm here.

Kayce Pearson said...

I'm so sorry..

I found this poem on one of my support groups and it might help.

http://longing4more.blogspot.com/2009/09/angel-babies.html

Midwest Mommy said...

I am so sorry. Tears for you today.

Barb said...

You know how much I love you and I am soo sorry for you and your family. If I could I would be over there in an instant!!
Just know that from our family to yours we are thinking about you and praying for you.
xoxo

Another Hot Mess said...

So very sorry for your loss. Wishing you much strength and comfort.

Sarah R said...

I love you too, Jen. Hugs from Deltona. xoxoxox

MCMFamily said...

I love you too Jenni. I am so sorry that this happened. I will not stop praying for you. I wish I could make things all better for you. You are brave and strong. I believe in time you will reap in joy what you have sown in tears. Love
Mary

Woo222 said...

Oh no. I am so, so sorry, Jenni. I used to read your blog religiously and lately things have been crazy and I haven't been caught up. Just decided to see what was new with you and..this.. :*( Sending you love and prayers and an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. I know you've got lots of people who care and you probably don't need me, but I'm here too, for what it is worth. Oh J, I'm so sorry. Love you, S

~Jennifer~ said...

I'm a little behind on my reader, so i just read your post now. I just wanted to let you know I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are awful, no matter how far along you are or whether you were trying or not. I will be thinking of you.