Rolling with the Punches

While chatting with my oldest friend, she told me that her sister (who I have known since I was 12) thought I was one of the strongest people she knew.

Wow.

I am feeling really weak right about now. I am an emotional mess and my body is tired. I feel like I have whined about this miscarriage too much. Maybe wallowed in the sorrow too long.

So what makes a person strong? Is it the ability to move through obstacles without a scratch? Or is it the ability to get scratches (hell in some cases, be hit by semi) and keep going?

I have a tendency to complain. No really, I do. Ha ha. Despite this fact, I really try not to dwell on the negative. And my life has had more than its share of negative.

Messed up childhood. check
Poverty. check
Disable child. check (though this is a challenge, I don't actually see it as a negative, Noah brings more joy than any negative aspects could ever outweigh)
Losing baby. check
Way too many miscarriages. check

*see I like to whine*

Yet, I am for the most part happy. I have the best freaking husband ever. Seriously he is hot AND like to clean the kitchen. And oh yeah he is a great dad. I three amazing now-not-so-little-boys. I am blessed.

Sometimes I have to smack myself to remember these things. This has been a rough week, I won't lie. I've a pity party and cried over our misfortune. But last night as I crept into each boys room to kiss them in their sleep, I started to cry for a different reason. I have it better than so many people. No matter what life has thrown my way, someone else always has it worse.

Does that make me a strong person? Ha. I have no idea. I look at people like Heather Spohr and Loralee and think of strength.

I am just a mom.

In a Weird Place...

We are TTC our 4Th, or is it our 5Th? Its always confusing, should I count Kai or not? I will just say we are TTC our 4Th LIVING child. After 4 losses this is a daunting task. I am working on my health and hoping it helps us have another baby.
In the meantime I have three big boys!
I signed Isaiah up for VPK (in Florida we have 4 yo preschool the is paid by the state). This means in the fall, for 4 hours a day, I will be alone! I will miss the little monkey terribly, he is really awesome company (as are all they boys...for the most part lol).
Its been a longtime since I have washed a bottle, changed a diaper, used a stroller, or snuggled a tiny baby.
I miss all those things something fierce.
I wont say its all bad though, we are enjoying where we are for the time being. There is no prep time to leave the house, we just up and leave. We can go to the movies or out to eat (well depending on Noah's mood). We go to the beach with a bottle of sun screen and a towel!
They are all hilarious little men and actually FUN to hang out with.
Yet, we still feel like we are in limbo, like someone is missing from our crew.

Not this time...

NO baby in May for us. After discovering that my levels were falling yesterday, I am losing the baby this morning. This is my 4th loss in under 2 years. I am finding it very hard to keep the faith today and could use some prayer.I am just so sad. Thank you to all those who celebrated with me.