Tuesday, March 10, 2009

2 Years Ago Today **Warning not a happy story

Two years ago today, I was smack in the middle of every pregnant woman's nightmare.

I was almost 5 months pregnant and feeling great about it, after a scare the week before(not being able to find his heartbeat with the Doppler) an ultrasound showed a wiggly very much alive baby. But the relief was short lived...

On March 3th I went to bed feeling achy, pretty common when you are in the second trimester with a 4th pregnancy, but woke up to a soaked bed at about 3 am. I knew right away my water had broken, I rushed to the hospital knowing there was little they could do if it was the case. The ultrasound confirmed my fears, but also gave me hope. My water was leaking, but there was still plenty of fluid and the baby
looked ok. I was to go home and stay in bed til the doctor could see me.

I was at the doctors as soon as they opened... Only to be berated by him.
I was informed there was no way my water had broken, and that due to my weight I had probably wet the bed and didn't know the difference. As I was there the aches turned to cramping, but my concerns were still brushed aside. I left frustrated, terrified, and determined to find help.
I drove to a hospital in Orlando, only to be turned away because my doctor didn't have privileges there and refused to let me be seen.
By then I was almost doubled over in pain, so I went to yet another hospital, this time NOT giving my OB's name, until after I was seen. I could feel the baby kicking much harder than I had before as I lay there, I was also feeling full contractions.
The staff doctor came to my room with tears in his eyes (God bless him, he was a nice man), the ultrasound revealed almost no water and a our little one's heartbeat was only 60. The doctor estimated he would be gone by morning. I was told to see my ob in the morning to discuss delivery options. I was alone for this news, as dh was home with the other 3 kids and it was again the middle of night. I came home and collapsed in bed, numb. I could still feel the baby kicking, but less so. I eventually drifted to sleep. In the morning the kicks were gone, and I knew so was our son.
I was in less of a rush to return to the a$$hole doctors office, but knew I need to go. I refused care of the doctor from the previous day and demanded to see the other doctor in the practice. They did another ultrasound to confirm what I already knew; but seeing him still, with no heartbeat on their 50in ultrasound screen, shattered me.
I couldn't stop sobbing. The in office u/s tech who did all 3 other boys ultrasounds was very sympathetic, but once again the doctors were not.

I was informed I would be induced to deliver him, right away.
I was confused by this as I had 3 previous csections was told under no circumstances should I labor.

Through my tears (or hysterical sobbing), I told myself it would be over soon.
I had no idea how wrong I was. It took 5 days of induced labor, with hemorrhaging, to deliver him. Everyday I begged for a d&c, but was refused.
DH and I were both beyond exhaustion, when our son made his way into the world still.
Though we had known. he had passed on days ago, when he was born I shattered again. He was no longer a part of me, gone forever.
As soon as he was born the nurse* knew why we lost him. It was clear to her, what 6 ultrasounds had missed, he had complete Anencephaly . Our sons brain was missing and the top of his head was not closed. He would have had 0% change of survival. His autopsy revealed no brain tissue. We named him Malakai (Kai) Zachary.
I left the hospital the following morning and the next day (my birthday) was at a funeral home to collect his ashes.

I thought the pain would never end. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move past his loss. I wrote Kai letters, I questioned every part of my life, I pushed away friends, and seriously lacked as a mom to my other 3 children.

The following months were nearly the end of my marriage. All the books tell you to be prepared; you will grieve differently and that it can cause resentment. Nothing prepares you for the tornado of feelings that the loss of a child creates.

Emotionally, I managed to survive and so did my marriage. My dh should be sainted for those months alone.

When everything settled and my brain resumed function, we resolved to have another baby. I would have never guessed 2 years and 3 more losses later, we would still be without a baby.

The other losses have been hard, but nowhere near the same. I am much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and I have Kai to thank for that.
But, I still grieve on some level, I think I always will.
* the nurses were freaking amazing and super supportive.

16 comments:

fidget said...

**hugs** my friend

You know my experiences with that doc, they pale in comparison to yours, it is just further affirmation that they should not be in business.

Prayers for little Kai's soul

Sarah R said...

Oh Jenni. You've told me a bit about Kai before, but I never knew all the details. Oh my word. Bless little Kai, and bless all of you.

Barb said...

xoxoxo
You know how much you mean to me and I would give you the world. You are such a good person and have come a long way since then. I also remember it too well.
Hugs and kisses from us all

Amanda said...

I love you, Jenni; more than anyone else in the world. You are the strongest person I know.

Mommy Melee said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. And SO sorry that on top of all the pain you had to deal with insensitive medical care.

*hugs*

Cjengo said...

I am sorry. I have fired many doctors, and told them exactly how I felt. I pay their bills so therefore I have the right to tell them to bug off. Why they have God complexes will always amaze me. They need to remember they can make mistakes just like your doctor did. So sad, and I am so sorry they didn't give you the sympathy you deserved. I can only imagine how horrible this was for you. It seems life is very unfair sometimes. I am sorry

Aunt Becky said...

I have chills. I'm sending love to you and kisses to sweet Kai.

Kayce Pearson said...

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I wish I had something better to say than this, but I don't. Losing a baby is sooo much harder than they tell you, and if you feel your baby kick it is even harder.

I've lost two, but lost them before I knew I was pregnant with them. I am terrified of losing another.

Thank you for your comments on my blog. I truly do appreciate your words. It means a lot to me.

Tatiana said...

Oh my love, I am so so sorry to read this. I had no idea.

Woo222 said...

Sending you my love and hugs sounds so insignificant, but it is all I've got. I'm so sorry, Jenni..you are such an amazing and remarkably strong woman. I just keep thinking..how much hell can one woman take? But you're amazing. And here's hoping that the clouds part pretty soon so you can get the sunshine you deserve. Love you, Susan

libertygirle said...

I can't imagine what you've been through. My tears flow for you and my heart aches for you. You must be such a strong person. God bless you.

Mom of 3 under 3 said...

Jenni-
I am soo sorry for your loss. I had never heard the story of Kai and onestly didn't want to bring up old memories by asking.
I love you very much and so wish you never would have had to go through that.

Your sister,
Stephanie

tom the girl said...

Oh mama, I am so sorry this....any of it...happened to you. I cannot even begin to fathom your pain, or the strength that you must have had to cope with it.

Xoxo

The NAB said...

Bless your sweet heart, honey. Though his brain may have been missing, his heart sure wasn't. Every kick he gave you was one of love. (((hugs))) Thank you for sharing Kai's story.

<3,
Lesley @Avalea

nearlynotquite.com said...

Hugs to you, and your family. What a devastating loss to endure. Kai will always be a part of your family, your much loved precious angel.

"perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pour through and shine down upon us to let us know they are happy"

BeaDandelion said...

<3 I love you Jenni <3 thank you for sharing that. You have an amazing family and all of this has made you a stronger and better mother. Kai knows you love him. He is watching you and he is whole <3