Two years ago today, I was smack in the middle of every pregnant woman's nightmare.
I was almost 5 months pregnant and feeling great about it, after a scare the week before(not being able to find his heartbeat with the Doppler) an ultrasound showed a wiggly very much alive baby. But the relief was short lived...
On March 3th I went to bed feeling achy, pretty common when you are in the second trimester with a 4th pregnancy, but woke up to a soaked bed at about 3 am. I knew right away my water had broken, I rushed to the hospital knowing there was little they could do if it was the case. The ultrasound confirmed my fears, but also gave me hope. My water was leaking, but there was still plenty of fluid and the baby
looked ok. I was to go home and stay in bed til the doctor could see me.
I was at the doctors as soon as they opened... Only to be berated by him.
I was informed there was no way my water had broken, and that due to my weight I had probably wet the bed and didn't know the difference. As I was there the aches turned to cramping, but my concerns were still brushed aside. I left frustrated, terrified, and determined to find help.
I drove to a hospital in Orlando, only to be turned away because my doctor didn't have privileges there and refused to let me be seen.
By then I was almost doubled over in pain, so I went to yet another hospital, this time NOT giving my OB's name, until after I was seen. I could feel the baby kicking much harder than I had before as I lay there, I was also feeling full contractions.
The staff doctor came to my room with tears in his eyes (God bless him, he was a nice man), the ultrasound revealed almost no water and a our little one's heartbeat was only 60. The doctor estimated he would be gone by morning. I was told to see my ob in the morning to discuss delivery options. I was alone for this news, as dh was home with the other 3 kids and it was again the middle of night. I came home and collapsed in bed, numb. I could still feel the baby kicking, but less so. I eventually drifted to sleep. In the morning the kicks were gone, and I knew so was our son.
I was in less of a rush to return to the a$$hole doctors office, but knew I need to go. I refused care of the doctor from the previous day and demanded to see the other doctor in the practice. They did another ultrasound to confirm what I already knew; but seeing him still, with no heartbeat on their 50in ultrasound screen, shattered me.
I couldn't stop sobbing. The in office u/s tech who did all 3 other boys ultrasounds was very sympathetic, but once again the doctors were not.
I was informed I would be induced to deliver him, right away.
I was confused by this as I had 3 previous csections was told under no circumstances should I labor.
Through my tears (or hysterical sobbing), I told myself it would be over soon.
I had no idea how wrong I was. It took 5 days of induced labor, with hemorrhaging, to deliver him. Everyday I begged for a d&c, but was refused.
DH and I were both beyond exhaustion, when our son made his way into the world still.
Though we had known. he had passed on days ago, when he was born I shattered again. He was no longer a part of me, gone forever.
As soon as he was born the nurse* knew why we lost him. It was clear to her, what 6 ultrasounds had missed, he had complete Anencephaly . Our sons brain was missing and the top of his head was not closed. He would have had 0% change of survival. His autopsy revealed no brain tissue. We named him Malakai (Kai) Zachary.
I left the hospital the following morning and the next day (my birthday) was at a funeral home to collect his ashes.
I thought the pain would never end. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move past his loss. I wrote Kai letters, I questioned every part of my life, I pushed away friends, and seriously lacked as a mom to my other 3 children.
The following months were nearly the end of my marriage. All the books tell you to be prepared; you will grieve differently and that it can cause resentment. Nothing prepares you for the tornado of feelings that the loss of a child creates.
Emotionally, I managed to survive and so did my marriage. My dh should be sainted for those months alone.
When everything settled and my brain resumed function, we resolved to have another baby. I would have never guessed 2 years and 3 more losses later, we would still be without a baby.
The other losses have been hard, but nowhere near the same. I am much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and I have Kai to thank for that.
But, I still grieve on some level, I think I always will.
* the nurses were freaking amazing and super supportive.
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