Monday, December 20, 2010


I promise someday soon my blog will go back to being more upbeat and focused on the positive. I am still struggling in a dark place and can't seem to find the strength to write about happy things.

I know I am coming across as whiny and ungrateful. I assure you I am far from that. We are very blessed this Christmas. Even in our hardest times financially we are still blessed. I have a wonderful family, three great kids, and an incredible husband. I KNOW in my periods of rational thought, all these things are true.

Sadly, my brain floats in and out of rationality. I keep thinking this funk was just sprung on me out of no where, but looking back, I have been dragging it along for months. I can't place why or when, just that my joy for life left at some point. Maybe the shock of this summers breast cancer scare never left. Though I do remember a few happy weeks. Then this damn bone spot sent me REELING over the top of feeling down into full deep dark depression/anxiety attack that won't end.

I have had a LOT of medical testing. All of which came to one conclusion. My physical issues are coming from my head. Yes there is a spot, but I was flat out told by two dentists that is was nothing to be worried about. So what did I do? WORRY, OBSESS, PANIC. Why? I wish I freaking knew. Other than the fact that yes, I am mentally ill.

I am having more good hours than bad since I started the meds on Thursday, so I am considering that a win. I am still scared, no, terrified. That there is something wrong with me. And that the SIX total doctors I have seen, missed something. WHICH IS NUTS. Again rational me sees this. The headaches have already started to get better, as long as I can avoid the panic attacks, I can keep the head pain to a minimum.

Irrational me, not so much. She would rather Google for 12 hours until she finds the ONE damn case of jaw bone cancer (yes it is that rare and hard to find) and match up one of 30 symptoms, and cause myself to panic more.

I am smart enough to know this is not normal. However, short of the meds I am finally relenting to, I have no idea how to stop the crazy voice in my head that says every sneeze is something deadly. Hell, my obsessing has even gone to my dog's health. Not normal.

So... now I fight. I drag my ass out of the fetal position in my bed, take my meds, and fight to feel like a normal person again. To be concerned about health, but not obsessed with the worst case scenario all the time.

I have had so much support online and from friends and family. I am annoying I know, but the constant reminders, that I am indeed, OKAY, help more than you can know.


anymommy said...

You're okay, you've been through a lot, but you're okay. To 2011 and a gradual walk into the light.

judy said...

you will get there hun , I wish I could take this from you...but yes there is a light at the end of the are almost there..hang on! We all love you!

Mandy Barrett said...

I have seen you beat things 100 times harder than this, but this is a different kind of hard. It is you head that is betraying you, so how can you fight that? There is only one way and that is just the way you have been. I know that you are in a very dark place-- it is a place I have been and know well. I know it does not feel this way now, but you are actually ahead of the game; you know what you are thinking is not real. I wish I could lead you out of this darkness, but I can't. No one can. BUT you are far from alone. I will be there anytime you need someone to tell you that you are OK. The only way out are the small steps that you are taking now and I PROMISE you more light will come in everyday. You will start compulsing a little less each day until one day you won't think about it at all. Just remember you are so strong, you are loved, you have help, and there is nothing wrong with being a little crazy. :) I love you, Jen.

Chibi Jeebs said...

Don't you dare apologize for not being all sweetness and light, nor explain why you might sound "ungrateful" - you've been through hell and back this year and have had SO much on your plate: I don't think most people would make it through all of this unscathed.

It's so, so bloody freaking hard to stifle that damned irrational voice. :( I'd make suggestions, but don't want to go throwing assvice around all willy-nilly. Know that I'm here whenever you need an ear, a shoulder to cry on, or just a big, ol' bewbie squeezy hug.

Love you, lady.

Sarah R said...

Yeah, everything everyone said. Ditto. Big time. Feel better soon, hon.

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