Fake it til you make it.
I figured I could do it.
Pretend I was FINE with never having another baby, until I get to the point I believe it.
I have been trying for months. I almost had myself fooled.
But the pain is back.
I can't go anywhere without seeing something that stabs me into the heart.
I so badly want there to be magic fix for whatever is causing my body to destroy pregnancy after pregnancy.
It's not in the cards for us and I have to accept that.
Just wish it didn't hurt so much.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Gutballs
For some bizarre reason this is the name the boys came up with years ago for testicles. They know the right name, but like their version better.
Tuesday Milo was neutered. I explained on the way there what they would be doing and why, but we were in a hurry and there was no time for questions. After I picked them up from school we headed out to bring Milo home.
He was insanely hyper for a dog who had just had surgery and peed on my foot in excited glee when he saw me. That has nothing to do with the story, but I like to over share.
On the way home Isaiah noticed that Milo no longer had gutballs and screamed to the others, "WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS GUTBALLS!! THEY ARE GONE!!"
Noah immediately looked back and said, "They took the round part out! Why?" So I explained again that they do this so he can't make puppies. To which Noah exclaimed in totally awe, "There were two puppies in his gutballs??!?!?"
I was choking back laughter when Isaiah piped up from the back, "No! Duh, if there has been puppies in there, they would have been moving."
I am a very open person about sex, but really didn't want to discuss dog sperm in the van with all three boys.
Only in my life. heh
Tuesday Milo was neutered. I explained on the way there what they would be doing and why, but we were in a hurry and there was no time for questions. After I picked them up from school we headed out to bring Milo home.
He was insanely hyper for a dog who had just had surgery and peed on my foot in excited glee when he saw me. That has nothing to do with the story, but I like to over share.
On the way home Isaiah noticed that Milo no longer had gutballs and screamed to the others, "WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS GUTBALLS!! THEY ARE GONE!!"
Noah immediately looked back and said, "They took the round part out! Why?" So I explained again that they do this so he can't make puppies. To which Noah exclaimed in totally awe, "There were two puppies in his gutballs??!?!?"
I was choking back laughter when Isaiah piped up from the back, "No! Duh, if there has been puppies in there, they would have been moving."
I am a very open person about sex, but really didn't want to discuss dog sperm in the van with all three boys.
Only in my life. heh
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Leave
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
Most of us don't think about domestic violence on an everyday basis, but when we do we think it only effects lower class, unmarried, clearly dysfunctional families.
The truth could not be further from that.
Everyday thousands of seemingly perfect moms/dads hide a secret. They live in fear of the time bomb that is their spouse. Walking on eggshells, trying to keep facade of normalcy, all while suffering.
Why do women/men stay when there is abuse? There are so many reasons: fear,lack of self worth, money, psychological, "love", and the one that is most ironic children.
I have seen what staying for the children ends up as. My friend is a guardian through the courts for children in those situations. What most don't realize is that when a spouse abuses another in front of the children it IS CHILD ABUSE. In the state of Florida it is considered abuse even if the child is never touched. And if you think your kids don't know what is happening... You are wrong.
I didn't wait to publish this til next month for many reasons. The first being this post by Jen that broke my heart. Followed by this one by Nic that turned my heartbreak into anger.
Even people in the public eye are not immune, yesterday the father on the tv show Raising Sextuplets was arrested for domestic violence.
I have gotten into many arguments of the past few months about the Eminem and Rhianna song, "love the way you lie". Some think it glorifies domestic violence. I have to disagree. It portrays a couple stuck in a cycle they can't stop. In many cases these relationships are NOT about hate and violence all the time. There is passion and love, so intense it's not healthy. Then there is ugly, hateful violence. It just repeats over and over. Like an addiction. Not all domestic violence had many faces, the soccer mom, the celebrity, the friend, mother, sister. It never looks the same. But the results are never good.
You may not see it. But it is there. We all need to be aware.
I am by no means an expert, but I feel like I can't sit idle by and say nothing.
To the women who find yourself in this place. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU DESERVE A BETTER LIFE.
LEAVE.
Most of us don't think about domestic violence on an everyday basis, but when we do we think it only effects lower class, unmarried, clearly dysfunctional families.
The truth could not be further from that.
Everyday thousands of seemingly perfect moms/dads hide a secret. They live in fear of the time bomb that is their spouse. Walking on eggshells, trying to keep facade of normalcy, all while suffering.
Why do women/men stay when there is abuse? There are so many reasons: fear,lack of self worth, money, psychological, "love", and the one that is most ironic children.
I have seen what staying for the children ends up as. My friend is a guardian through the courts for children in those situations. What most don't realize is that when a spouse abuses another in front of the children it IS CHILD ABUSE. In the state of Florida it is considered abuse even if the child is never touched. And if you think your kids don't know what is happening... You are wrong.
I didn't wait to publish this til next month for many reasons. The first being this post by Jen that broke my heart. Followed by this one by Nic that turned my heartbreak into anger.
Even people in the public eye are not immune, yesterday the father on the tv show Raising Sextuplets was arrested for domestic violence.
I have gotten into many arguments of the past few months about the Eminem and Rhianna song, "love the way you lie". Some think it glorifies domestic violence. I have to disagree. It portrays a couple stuck in a cycle they can't stop. In many cases these relationships are NOT about hate and violence all the time. There is passion and love, so intense it's not healthy. Then there is ugly, hateful violence. It just repeats over and over. Like an addiction. Not all domestic violence had many faces, the soccer mom, the celebrity, the friend, mother, sister. It never looks the same. But the results are never good.
You may not see it. But it is there. We all need to be aware.
I am by no means an expert, but I feel like I can't sit idle by and say nothing.
To the women who find yourself in this place. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU DESERVE A BETTER LIFE.
LEAVE.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Send Mom of the Year Awards Here
So yeah I just posted about minding your own damn business as a mother and now I am going to bitch about other peoples kids.
There is something I find inexcusable as a parent, fostering or allowing meanness. As you read earlier Jordan is dealing with a bully, which pisses me off. We can't seem to escape mean kids.
The other day the boys met a boy in our new neighborhood. They were so excited to have him over to play. First I was shocked, he was 8 and allowed to roam our neighborhood freely until 7pm. He just came in our house. I insisted his mom must want to know where he was! But he assured me that she didn't care. As soon as he came in it was chaos. He dumped over toy boxes and was swinging bean bag chairs around. Hub went in and informed him we don't play that way here.
Five minutes later Isaiah came out sobbing. The boy had told him that he was not going to play with him, he was just the baby brother and he wasnt going to play with a baby. Isaiah tried to tell him he was not a baby, but the kid just mocked him. Then he proceeded to call Noah weird.
I wanted to punch him.
But instead he was told it was time to go home. Kids don't say those kinda things without their parents ever hearing it. Mine have tried it a time or two, but are quickly corrected.
Isaiah asked me after, what was the right thing to say back. The first thing that burst out of my mouth was "kiss my ass". Yeahhhh I said that to a five year old. I win for mother of the year right? He looked at me, mouth open, and said, " I can't say that!" My even better response? Okay, say "kiss my butt".
I am trying to do the right thing. To raise kind, loving boys. To teach them not to use their fists to solve things and to never say things like that to another child, ever. However, I am not going to raise victims. So, go for it kiddo. If some turd comes in OUR house and calls you names, "kiss my butt" it is.
There is something I find inexcusable as a parent, fostering or allowing meanness. As you read earlier Jordan is dealing with a bully, which pisses me off. We can't seem to escape mean kids.
The other day the boys met a boy in our new neighborhood. They were so excited to have him over to play. First I was shocked, he was 8 and allowed to roam our neighborhood freely until 7pm. He just came in our house. I insisted his mom must want to know where he was! But he assured me that she didn't care. As soon as he came in it was chaos. He dumped over toy boxes and was swinging bean bag chairs around. Hub went in and informed him we don't play that way here.
Five minutes later Isaiah came out sobbing. The boy had told him that he was not going to play with him, he was just the baby brother and he wasnt going to play with a baby. Isaiah tried to tell him he was not a baby, but the kid just mocked him. Then he proceeded to call Noah weird.
I wanted to punch him.
But instead he was told it was time to go home. Kids don't say those kinda things without their parents ever hearing it. Mine have tried it a time or two, but are quickly corrected.
Isaiah asked me after, what was the right thing to say back. The first thing that burst out of my mouth was "kiss my ass". Yeahhhh I said that to a five year old. I win for mother of the year right? He looked at me, mouth open, and said, " I can't say that!" My even better response? Okay, say "kiss my butt".
I am trying to do the right thing. To raise kind, loving boys. To teach them not to use their fists to solve things and to never say things like that to another child, ever. However, I am not going to raise victims. So, go for it kiddo. If some turd comes in OUR house and calls you names, "kiss my butt" it is.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What's it to YOU?
Americans in general, are a nosy people, in particular the women. We feel the need to shove out ideals straight.down.the.throat. of anyone who DARES to think independently or has a differing opinion.
The points are not my thoughts, but the rantings I have heard in my exposure to the mom mafia, the women who KNOW everything better than you do. the stuff in this print is alll me.
You should;
Always have a vaginal natural birth.
Because, you know pushing a baby out your vagina MAKES you a mom. It's awesome if you can have a perfect delivery, but it's not always the case and making someone feel ashamed for doing what they believed was best for them, is sick. When I had a rant similar to this on facebook last week, a friend mentioned that someone came to her saying she was afraid to admit she had a csection. Are you kidding me?
Breastfeed.
Not breast feeding? Might as well sign little Timmy up for prison now, because he is DOOMED.
Stay at home/ or work.
Depending on what they do.
School you children the way they see fit.
Homeschool? You are raising social outcasts. Public School? Criminals and losers. Private school? Elitists.
Have a perfect house.
Wait you mean your house doesn't look like a magazine ad ALL.THE.TIME?
Be a perfect wife, or alternately be a bitchy wife.
I can't believe how many times I have been called out for not speaking ill of my husband.
Have 2 children.
You want HOW many kids? Are you not concerned about your carbon foot print? You are over populating the earth! Or you can NEVER love 5 kids as much as I love my 2. If you choose to have none, well clearly, something is wrong with you.
Be Christian.
In a country founded on religious freedom, it's terrifying that people feel the need to HIDE their religion, because otherwise you are doomed to the fiery pits of hell. While I consider my self Christian, having grown up around many different religions, I find it difficult to believe this.
That's just the beginning. Whether it's the food you eat, the car you drive, the house you live in, SOMEONE always has an opinion.
Do womankind a favor, unless someone ASKS your thoughts, SHUT UP. You think you know best, but the truth is we are all just doing the best we can.
We do no favors to ourselves by bashing, undermining, and hurting each other.
The points are not my thoughts, but the rantings I have heard in my exposure to the mom mafia, the women who KNOW everything better than you do. the stuff in this print is alll me.
You should;
Always have a vaginal natural birth.
Because, you know pushing a baby out your vagina MAKES you a mom. It's awesome if you can have a perfect delivery, but it's not always the case and making someone feel ashamed for doing what they believed was best for them, is sick. When I had a rant similar to this on facebook last week, a friend mentioned that someone came to her saying she was afraid to admit she had a csection. Are you kidding me?
Breastfeed.
Not breast feeding? Might as well sign little Timmy up for prison now, because he is DOOMED.
Stay at home/ or work.
Depending on what they do.
School you children the way they see fit.
Homeschool? You are raising social outcasts. Public School? Criminals and losers. Private school? Elitists.
Have a perfect house.
Wait you mean your house doesn't look like a magazine ad ALL.THE.TIME?
Be a perfect wife, or alternately be a bitchy wife.
I can't believe how many times I have been called out for not speaking ill of my husband.
Have 2 children.
You want HOW many kids? Are you not concerned about your carbon foot print? You are over populating the earth! Or you can NEVER love 5 kids as much as I love my 2. If you choose to have none, well clearly, something is wrong with you.
Be Christian.
In a country founded on religious freedom, it's terrifying that people feel the need to HIDE their religion, because otherwise you are doomed to the fiery pits of hell. While I consider my self Christian, having grown up around many different religions, I find it difficult to believe this.
That's just the beginning. Whether it's the food you eat, the car you drive, the house you live in, SOMEONE always has an opinion.
Do womankind a favor, unless someone ASKS your thoughts, SHUT UP. You think you know best, but the truth is we are all just doing the best we can.
We do no favors to ourselves by bashing, undermining, and hurting each other.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Update
On various things...
Jordan had a great day Friday, his teacher removed situations where they bullies would have a chance to even speak to him, until we work out a more permanent solution. She is communicating with me frequently and committed to protecting him.
I finally went to the mental health doctor. Since I have no insurance, there is a LONG ass wait. I felt silly even going, since I have not has a panic attack in almost a month. The doctor was very nice and understanding. He gave me something to help with sleep, which is nice,since I haven't had a decent night's sleep in, oh maybe 10 years. He also gave me an antidepressant, which should help with the anxiety issues. I am still not sure I want to take it.
We are still settling in to out new house. Everyone is happy here.
The puppy is still FULL of the awesome. I think my hubby may love him more than me.
He lost his top two canines the other night and dh went to the store to get him a bone so the tooth fairy could come for him. I kid you not. This was the boys idea, but it was adorable that he actually did it. I can't believe how much Milo has added to our lives. I am thrilled we decided to get a dog.
We are off to scorch in the sun and go to Disney today. I don't wanna go. I am still sick and it's still SO hot, sigh the things we do for kids.
Jordan had a great day Friday, his teacher removed situations where they bullies would have a chance to even speak to him, until we work out a more permanent solution. She is communicating with me frequently and committed to protecting him.
I finally went to the mental health doctor. Since I have no insurance, there is a LONG ass wait. I felt silly even going, since I have not has a panic attack in almost a month. The doctor was very nice and understanding. He gave me something to help with sleep, which is nice,since I haven't had a decent night's sleep in, oh maybe 10 years. He also gave me an antidepressant, which should help with the anxiety issues. I am still not sure I want to take it.
We are still settling in to out new house. Everyone is happy here.
The puppy is still FULL of the awesome. I think my hubby may love him more than me.
He lost his top two canines the other night and dh went to the store to get him a bone so the tooth fairy could come for him. I kid you not. This was the boys idea, but it was adorable that he actually did it. I can't believe how much Milo has added to our lives. I am thrilled we decided to get a dog.
We are off to scorch in the sun and go to Disney today. I don't wanna go. I am still sick and it's still SO hot, sigh the things we do for kids.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Powerless
That is how I feel right now.
After my last post about doing what's right for my kids, I was feeling confident as a mom.
Until today.
We picked up all three kids in the car line, as normal it's a burst of sound, Isaiah telling me what every kid ate and did today. Noah proud he had a good day, except that mommy (me) put a belt on him and DUH he doesn't have the skills to get it off in the potty.
About 5 minutes into the ride I notice Jordan isn't speaking. I look back and he is silently crying. He is a sensitive kid and is no stranger to tears. But instantly my momma radar went off. His brothers then say they just realized he didn't talk to them on the car ramp either. I start throwing out questions, "did you get in trouble? hurt? get a bad grade?" Then it hit me. It was that little fucker again.
It's probably wrong to call a kid a little fucker, but really I am having a hard time grasping my rage right now.
Last year Jordan had almost daily run ins with a boy in his class. Never physical, but constant taunting and teasing. Pretending to be his friend and then hurting his feelings on purpose. He had a male teacher, who was very much in the mind set that they should work it out on their own. And since it wasn't physical I let myself get talked into letting it go. My heart sank when I walked into his classroom this year to see that boys name on the class list.
REALLY? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?
I asked him daily the first week, is everything ok? And he swore it was. But this week, I forgot to ask. I am sick, but that is no excuse. Turns out the mental bullying picked right back up. Except now this kid has recruited another kid to help out. After they got in trouble in class for picking on him, they waited til he was walking out to the car ramp to PUNCH him in the backpack and laugh at him.
I have been talking to his teacher via email tonight. She plans to tell the boys a teacher saw what they did and they will be dealt with and Jordan will not be incriminated. She is going to have the counselor come in and talk to the class about bullies and standing up to them. She is doing all that she thinks is best. But what is killing me is it is coming across as it's JORDAN'S problem. He is shy, quiet, and lacks confidence. Well NO SHIT he has been bullied for more than a year.
He is sensitive and shy. Qualities my other twobarbarians son's do not have. Despite Noah's special needs, he just assumes everyone likes him and if they don't he just ignores them. Isaiah assumes the same and 90% of the time it's true.
I am an outgoing person. Hubby is not. Neither is right or wrong. It's just who we are. My son is being picked on for being GOOD. He has never been in trouble at school. The bullies are on a daily basis, not for bullying, for general badness.
Jordan is insanely strong. Like freakishly. The kids has a six pack and pecks that would make a jersey shore cast member jealous. He can life and carry more weight than I can. My dad pointed out, that he should just kick the kids asses. My dad went to school in the 60's when a fight got your mom called. Now a days you fight, you get arrested. YES. In second grade. They will cuff you. I have seen it with my own eyes. So I always stressed to all the boys, Jordan in particular, NEVER EVER hit. Even if they hit you.
But right now, I am leaning towards my dads side. Hell I want to beat them.
I feel at loss.
Do I demand a class room change? And risk making him a bigger target? They will still see him at specials and lunch. Do I see how the teachers plan works? I have not a clue. I want to keep him home and protect him from all this. Am I over reacting? Under reacting? I don't want to be that mom that loses her child because she didn't defend him against bullies. But I don't want to be THAT mom, the over protective nut case.
Have you dealt with bullies? I need all the help I can get.
After my last post about doing what's right for my kids, I was feeling confident as a mom.
Until today.
We picked up all three kids in the car line, as normal it's a burst of sound, Isaiah telling me what every kid ate and did today. Noah proud he had a good day, except that mommy (me) put a belt on him and DUH he doesn't have the skills to get it off in the potty.
About 5 minutes into the ride I notice Jordan isn't speaking. I look back and he is silently crying. He is a sensitive kid and is no stranger to tears. But instantly my momma radar went off. His brothers then say they just realized he didn't talk to them on the car ramp either. I start throwing out questions, "did you get in trouble? hurt? get a bad grade?" Then it hit me. It was that little fucker again.
It's probably wrong to call a kid a little fucker, but really I am having a hard time grasping my rage right now.
Last year Jordan had almost daily run ins with a boy in his class. Never physical, but constant taunting and teasing. Pretending to be his friend and then hurting his feelings on purpose. He had a male teacher, who was very much in the mind set that they should work it out on their own. And since it wasn't physical I let myself get talked into letting it go. My heart sank when I walked into his classroom this year to see that boys name on the class list.
REALLY? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?
I asked him daily the first week, is everything ok? And he swore it was. But this week, I forgot to ask. I am sick, but that is no excuse. Turns out the mental bullying picked right back up. Except now this kid has recruited another kid to help out. After they got in trouble in class for picking on him, they waited til he was walking out to the car ramp to PUNCH him in the backpack and laugh at him.
I have been talking to his teacher via email tonight. She plans to tell the boys a teacher saw what they did and they will be dealt with and Jordan will not be incriminated. She is going to have the counselor come in and talk to the class about bullies and standing up to them. She is doing all that she thinks is best. But what is killing me is it is coming across as it's JORDAN'S problem. He is shy, quiet, and lacks confidence. Well NO SHIT he has been bullied for more than a year.
He is sensitive and shy. Qualities my other two
I am an outgoing person. Hubby is not. Neither is right or wrong. It's just who we are. My son is being picked on for being GOOD. He has never been in trouble at school. The bullies are on a daily basis, not for bullying, for general badness.
Jordan is insanely strong. Like freakishly. The kids has a six pack and pecks that would make a jersey shore cast member jealous. He can life and carry more weight than I can. My dad pointed out, that he should just kick the kids asses. My dad went to school in the 60's when a fight got your mom called. Now a days you fight, you get arrested. YES. In second grade. They will cuff you. I have seen it with my own eyes. So I always stressed to all the boys, Jordan in particular, NEVER EVER hit. Even if they hit you.
But right now, I am leaning towards my dads side. Hell I want to beat them.
I feel at loss.
Do I demand a class room change? And risk making him a bigger target? They will still see him at specials and lunch. Do I see how the teachers plan works? I have not a clue. I want to keep him home and protect him from all this. Am I over reacting? Under reacting? I don't want to be that mom that loses her child because she didn't defend him against bullies. But I don't want to be THAT mom, the over protective nut case.
Have you dealt with bullies? I need all the help I can get.
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