Monday, December 21, 2009


I haven't posted for the past week, because I have had a hard time putting into words the way I have been feeling. I have worked so damn hard to be okay with the fact that another baby may not be in the cards for us. Yet, in the back of my mind I have been constantly aware that in a few months, it will be three years since we lost Kai. Never, in a million years, did I think that day, that I wouldn't have another baby by now.

How do I stop my heart from feeling heavy and sad, every time I see a baby? How do I tell myself it's okay to be done at three? I know that so many others struggle to have just one.

I am still young (ish), I have time. It could still happen. I think that glimmer of hope is what makes it harder. If there was none at all, there wouldn't be a question.

I feel ridiculous being depressed, when I am so blessed, but it's where I am right now.


I wrote this post this morning and decided to not hit publish. After dealing with my crazy boys all day, I still feel this way, but less raw about it all.


Sarah R said...

I understand completely. I have three also, and I swear I can hardly look at a baby without feeling my insides churn. It's a physical, raw emotional pain. I so get it.


Woo222 said...

You aren't having a pity party. Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Be gentle with yourself. You matter. I love you. I wish I could fix your pain. You are such a wonderful person, you derserve to be soooo happy. Life sucks sometimes. I'm always here to listen. ~Susan