Rough Week

My grandpa passed away on Wednesday. Which is sad, but I can only be so sad because he was 101! He lived a very full, long, healthy life. I am worried about my dad, he has lost so many he loved in the last year.

Then today I found out that a friend from college died. She was only 30, a single mom to a 10yo girl and a 5 yo boy, she was thin and beautiful...She died of cardiac arrest. Sometimes life just doesn't make any sense. I am reeling and heartbroken for her children, boyfriend, and family.

I am struggling with school too.

But the meds must be working some, because I am coping. Coping well enough that the doctor declared me stable. I only need to go in every three months now. I don't feel stable, but I don't feel one step from crazy either. Getting there.

In my continued attempt to bring the hot me back, I am getting my hair done on Tuesday, fingers crossed it comes out even. Getting black dye out of hair is a nightmare. When it is done I will post pics. I have also lost 12lbs since December, hope I can continue to lose.

Taking the kids to Ikea tomorrow I think since daddy got called into work, you know so I can drop them off at the playland and I can sit in a chair and read for an hourgo shopping.

Sexy Back

This blog has turned into one damn self affirmation after another, but hell I need it at this point.

There was a point this December when I looked in the mirror and was terrified at what I saw. I was ghostly pale, dark circle under my eyes, hair unbrushed for what had to be the 3rd or 4th day, and the 20 lbs I had dropped seemed to all come from my face. I knew I was in a bad place, but I didn't think about how bad it looked on the outside, I really didn't care until that moment.

I burst into tears and demanded to know why no one had told me I looked like this. Of course everyone was more concerned with the fact I was a mental basket case, not that my hair looked like there was a family of birds living in it.

I stayed looking like that for several weeks, though I was aware now, I just didn't have it in me to change it. After I broken down in the doctors office and got new medication, I waited. I waited to feel like ME again. While some of the meds do give instant relief from the panic, the others work more slowly and are still building up now. I kept thinking there would be this magical moment where I was suddenly back to normal. Instead it has been gradual steps, little realizations.

I actually do my hair. I have been wearing makeup. I feel sexy again. I still don't feel panic free and I am still battling obsessive negative thoughts, but only from time to time. It isn't all consuming like it was for the last few months of last year.

Also in awesome side effects of meds; headaches are like 70% better, have less of an appetite, and sex drive has gone through the roof. (For those that know me well know this is a double edge sword, because I was already a cough *little* above average in that area.) If you didn't already know it, having tons of sex, makes you feel WAY better about yourself. Something about the endorphins and shit... I am not a doctor, but I highly recommend it.

Long story short, I have great hair again, feel almost normal, and my husband may not make it til spring alive.

I have to add this song, it didn't just speak to me, I SCREAMED to me. Every single person alive needs to hear this. I love Pink, but this song is so past music, it's amazing this is the explict version, so if the fbomb offends you listen to THIS version.

You Capture: Circles

This is my first go at doing You Capture, so I hope I do it right!

I just took this picture tonight as the sun set:

This on was taken a little after:


Please head over to I Should Be Folding Laundry to see more circle pictures!
*** Editing to add a confession. These were taken with a point and shoot. Granted it's a kick butt super zoom point and shoot, but still.
I have the Canon SX30is. It has an INSANE zoom and manages not to get to noisy even at 140x optical. I did use a tripod because at that zoom moving .00001 in blows the shot.

What I am, is what I am?

Bonus points if you recognize the Edie Brickell lyrics.

So what am I?

I have been pretty quiet on here, because I can't seem to find the answer to that question. I can't find words at all. This post has been sitting in drafts for three days and I still don't think it makes sense.

Is that sad at 32, I have no idea what I am outside of a mother and a wife? A nurturer, someone who has always taken care of other people first. I used to think that was enough. In fact, I was defensive with other mothers who searched for their identity outside of the home. Why would I need anything more than this? Of course I thought I would have more time in this phase of my life. That I would still have a baby or two now. That didn't happen. I am now looking at my not so little boys, rapidly flying towards not needing me anymore. Of course not in the near future, but it everyday they need me a little less.

I am in school, going on year four, and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I can't seem to reconcile who I am as a mom with who I could be outside of that. I feel guilty wanting to find out who that is. I hide major parts of myself from everyone, because it doesn't fit into the mold of who I SHOULD be. I admire the friends that I have that can just BE. The internet me, is a very PG version of me and I fear letting the REAL me out of the bag, well what I know of the real me.

Is this a part of the semi-mental breakdown I just had or I am finally getting clarity and moving past the fears that have dictated my life til this point? I honestly have no clue. I have lived with fear as long as I can remember, it wasn't wasn't always as crushing as it was recently, but I can't think of a time that I wasn't afraid. I have been honest with this struggle over the past few weeks, but there is so much, some long past, that brought what happened on. Things I can't bring myself to share. I have typed out parts and they sit in drafts. I know that what I need to share will hurt other people and I can't bring myself to do it.

So what I am trying to sputter around is, I have no idea who I want to be. Or how much of that I can show to the world.

I am not saying that my identity being mostly a wife and mother is wrong. It is part of who I am, what I do. I am just thinking I need more now.

National Delurking Day

I didn't know this was a day, but it sounds fun and I am bored right now so I'm stealing TJ's Delurking Survey (slightly modified)Miss Grace's not at all modified survey, because I am lazy like that.

The TJ Miss Grace Jenni Delurker Survey, 2011:


1. What’s your name, and how long have you been reading this site?

2. Do you have a blog and/or a Twitter name and/or something else we should all read today? If you don’t have one yourself, you can tell us about someone else who is deserving of our eyeballs today.

3. What is your favorite song right now? I am going to go listen to it and tell you what I think. No pressure.

4. Is there anything I haven’t covered or answered but I should have, but you couldn’t tell me that because you were busy lurking? DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS FOR ME?

5. Are you a lurker everywhere, or is it just my blog?

6. Tell me something really weird or unusual about you. That will take care of the whole “every time I want to say something, someone already said it” thing.

7. Recommend something. A book, or a movie, or a flash game, or a friend of yours as a really excellent person, or a valid career path, or a little known parenting strategy, or a super clever cleaning tip or trick, or incredibly helpful organizational tool, or the best socks you’ve ever owned.

Now Miss Grace threatened to do something evil with potato bugs for not commenting, I won't do that. However I will remind you that I just kinda nervous breakdown and I am a WEE emotionally fragile and no comments will likely lead me to fall apart.

Walk in the Park

Took the boys for a walk at a local park that surrounds a huge lake. They all have cameras and I was itching to test out my new one.


Crazy palm tree.


Oh hai, you stay over there, mkay?

I had no idea what this was, apparently it is a Gar fish? They have exoskeletons. Very cool, at least to three little boys.

our view

The badass playground.

It felt good to be behind the lens again, haven't really taken any pictures in more than a month. The kids had a great time too.

Broken

A few months ago this blog was about dog balls and now it has turned into a darker place. There are still dog ball moments and I will write about them soon, this is just my place to vent for now and I need this outlet...

Looking back now it was bound to happen. I try to be tough, but really how much can one person take?

I am starting to feel stronger, mentally and in that, I am starting to process things that I was shoving to the back of my mind.

We are done having babies.

I have to accept that.

Someone close to me just had a miscarriage and she said to me, "I don't know how you made it through six times". The truth is, neither do I. After Kai I thought the world was caving in and couldn't fathom trying again, but as time went on I realized I not only could, but HAD to.

When the second loss came we rationalized it was just too soon, my body had to heal. But that was bullshit. Because then came loss 3, then 4, and then 5. After each of those months would go by and we would both say, there is no way it will happen again.

And then it did, May of last year I had my 6th miscarriage. Next to losing Kai it was the most brutal by far. And I said never again. But then the months go by and maybe just maybe...

But here is the thing... I have had every test known to man. There is NO reason. Which means there is no way to fix it. All the mixes of hormones, supplements, and aspirin aren't going to give me a baby.

After this recent mental health breakdown I realized I CAN NOT go through it again. I am already broken, hanging on by a thread. One more loss and the pieces will all blow away.

So I have to face that I. am. done.

Going slightly crazy has taught me a few things more...

I have to let go of perfection. Yes a 4.0 in college is cool, but not at the expense of me. My house will never look like a magazine. I am not going to be a size six (not that I have even attempted that one). I am not super mom. I am not always the best friend I could be. I am selfish sometimes and I need to stop feeling so damn guilty about taking time for me. (no one ever makes me feel bad about it, it all ME)

New Year

New me?

Or maybe going back to same old me. I am not there, but I am working on it. Or maybe I won't be the same person on the other end of this.

Of course life goes on around you, even when you fall apart. My extended family has suffered several blows. We all just keep on trucking. There is no choice.

My resolution this year is one thing...health; mental and physical.
I can finally walk again. There is pain, but not nearly as bad. I am no longer using a wheel chair at Disney. It only took 12 months longer than the doctor said it would, but I am getting there. So I want to try to walk daily. At this point, even more importantly I want my head to be fixed. I am getting there on that front too, but every day is still a struggle.

I am still scared. Way more than I need to be. I can't control it.

I feel like all I have done is bitch, whine, and cry for weeksmonths. I am to the point I can fake it during the day. I can be a mom, cook dinner, do the shopping, ect, things that I couldn't handle a few weeks ago. The headaches are getting better and more manageable. I also am able to have happy thoughts again.

However there are moments, like right now as I write this, that I am filled with fear and paranoia. My fingers itch to Google all the bad ideas in my head. To build that fear into full blown hysteria, like adding fuel to a fire. Part of my brain wants that fire. I just want it to shut the hell up.

I did that three words about me thing today. The most used word was strong. I don't feel strong and I hate it. I am supposed to be strong dammit. I always have been.