Thursday, December 9, 2010

Normal

I just want to be normal.

I want to not worry about everything.

I don't want a simple spot on an x ray to turn me into a nonstop panicked disaster. I think the worst. Even though the dentist thinks the white blob behind my wisdom tooth is probably nothing more than an extra unformed tooth, my fucked up mind goes straight to cancer. I can't breathe. I over research on the internet. Even though the research still says it's mostly likely what the dentist thinks, I still panic.

I wouldn't wish a panic attack disorder on my worst enemy.

I can't take this shit anymore. It seems that I am allergic to all the SSIR's meds that could help me.

I can't imagine what it's like to not think that every scratch bump and bruise is something horrible.

I feel so alone in this.

3 comments:

Lu said...

Oh Jenni i am so sorry. I am so sick of one thing after another for you! I wish there was something I could do. Just know I am thinking of you and sending you good vibes and tons of hugs and support. My words seem so powerless. Sigh. Love ya.

Marinka said...

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. It is not unfamiliar to me, unfortunately.

I am a huge hypochondriac and I've been where you are. Every bruise is something horrible. And of course, kids just make it worse, because every one of their bruises is something horrible.

Medication works for me. Not right away, and I had some disastrous experiences with it. But I kept going back, switched providers until I found someone who listened to me and found something that worked.

It has changed my life. Really and truly.

Don't give up on trying to find help and don't resign yourself to "always being like this" forever. Because there is help out there.

But you have to stop googling all this shit, too. And that IS something you have control over. One day I was googling a lumpish thing I felt under my arm pit and Dr. Google came back with "Third nipple!" That cured me of googling symptoms forever.

Good luck to you. You're definitely not alone.

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