Where I Am Right Now

When I posted last, I was talking about my desire to be NORMAL. That week I was in the middle of a HUGE fall. A fall that ended up with me debating going to inpatient care.

The headache started 3 months ago, coming and going. Then five weeks ago it didn't go. I've had a nonstop headache for FIVE weeks. Two clinic and two ER visits later, it was confirmed they are tension headaches from anxiety (with a little TMJ added in for fun). On Sunday my face went numb. I was terrified. BACK to the ER. My blood pressure was scary. VERY high. They said again my anxiety was the cause. Apparently I was hyper ventilating and didn't even know it. They gave me Ativan after talking me down to an almost normal bp.

The Ativan was NOT my friend. I cried...and cried. Deep depression joined the still blooming anxiety. The headache raged on. Last night I sat in my bed sobbing, rocking back and forth, wondering if I could DIE from the feeling I was having. My family and dear friends kept me together until my appointment this morning.

The doctor was great, he listened to me and was very understanding. He gave me two different meds. One was for immediate help and one will be long term. The immediate one worked right away. I went from a level 10 panic to like a 4. Headache is still pounding away, but the second med is supposed to help with that! Praying it does.

I wasn't sure I was going to talk about this. MENTAL ILLNESS, is such a hard phrase to swallow. For most of my life it has made me feel like less of a person. I fought needing meds for a LONG time. I have taken them twice, once when I had PPD and was actually suicidal. I can't fight anymore. I am still having a hard time with feeling like a failure and I am still scared. It's going to take time to accept that I NEEDED medical help.

As I write this my morning Klonopin is wearing off and I feel the panic creep in again. I am trying to wait until closer to bed to take the second one. Please pray that these do the trick, that I can be normal again. A HUGE bonus will be if the Pamelor takes the headache away.

Thank you all for reading my tweets, private messaging and calling. You have held me together.

Also thank you to my dear husband who is always my rock. This is far from over. It can take some trial and error to get meds right. I feel like I have some hope now.