In the last two weeks our lives have changed.
We lived in chaos for most of the last 3 months; the miscarriage, the breast cancer scare, and the move. We are now settled in our new house. We have new routines, are more organized, and loving more space and less stuff. 12 days out of the last 2 weeks we have managed to sit down and have a real family dinner every night. Something we rarely did before.
It is awesome.
I realized they are really growing up. We have actual conversations. Today we went to the dog park with Milo, to Ikea, and had McDonalds for lunch*. I asked them over dinner what was their favorite thing about today, expecting to hear the playground at Ikea. But all three of them answered, playing in the back yard with us and the puppy before dinner. We make a huge effort to do lots of fun things with the boys, Disney, playgrounds, movies, chuck e cheese, all that fun stuff, but that's not what mattered to them. I SHOULD know that, right? This is basic after school special shit.
I worry about our lack of money right now hurting them. The truth is as long as they have clothes, food, roof over their heads, and us, it's okay.
I worry about making the wrong choices when it comes to Noah. About hurting my uber sensitive Jordan. About Isaiah, well not really, seriously he is the most confident person I have ever met. So I actually worry about NOT worrying about him.
I have issues.
We are surviving on an income that has been on steady decline for a little while now and has suddenly plunged us below the poverty line. No, I am not exaggerating. I wish I was. Before the cancer scare and a major reality check this would have sent me into constant panic attacks, now I know it's not what matters. We will find a way and will do what we have to do to get by. Thank God, I am frugal and plan ahead. I had the kids school clothes and shoes purchased months ago. I used coupons for food and all other household items. The kids want for nothing. We will do our freaking best to make sure they never do.
We all worry as parents, we doubt, we fret, we all out freak out, but we do the best we can. Over and over.
*I should mention that the Ikea trip and the McDonalds were all care of my awesome sister.