The Roller Coaster

I have been trying to write this all day and have had a hard time, because every time I think of the last week, my heart races again.

I noticed a little speck of blood and wondered where the heck it had come from, I squeezed and more came out. It was late at night and I fell asleep and forgot all about it until the next afternoon. When I squeezed again and again there was more blood. I began to worry and hit the internet for good ol Dr. Google, STUPID STUPID STUPID idea. Because what is the first thing that comes up for bloody breast discharge?

CANCER.

I called my ob, who made me an appointment for the next morning. I may have mentioned before that I have a panic attack disorder. One, that because we have been trying to have a baby, I have not been taking medication for... By 5pm my heart was racing so bad I couldn't breathe. I ended up at the ER with a pulse of 150 and a blood pressure that was terrifying. They kept me there til it was lower, but sent me home pill free.

I made it to the ob's office the next morning, where she did little to calm my nerves. She said she had never seen it before in a non nursing mom and that yes it is a sign of cancer.

I kept telling myself my risk factors are low; no family history of any cancer, my age, I started puberty after 12, had my first child in my early 20's, breast fed, ect...

I was fast tracked for a mammogram/ultrasound for the next morning. My panic continued to spiral out of control.

The mammogram was not as bad as I thought. Embarrassing as hell, seeing as my breasts are SO big they didn't fit on the tray and had to be done in sections. The tech told me that large breasted women have less pain during the mammogram. She didn't mention that after you feel like your boobs were run over by a semi. I was actually calm through the mammogram, I knew they would see little on it because of my dense breasts.

After waiting another hour, I was taken in for the ultrasound. All I can say is you haven't lived until you get smacked in the face with your own ultrasound goop covered boob. Really.

This tech was not at all chatty or friendly and kept looking over the same spots over and over. I could see her measuring something and I was scared to death. At the end, she told me to sit up, but then came back and said I need to look again. MORE WORRY. After rechecking, she said she had to get the doctor. FULL ON FUCKING PANIC. I was crying and dry heaving the ten minutes I was left alone in the room.

Then suddenly, rather cheerfully she came back in the room and said I could get dressed. Shaking like a leaf I tried as best I could to de-goop my breasts and get dressed. I sat in a waiting room. Within seconds I was called again.

The nurse in the hall told me I was fine and free to go. I stared at her, confused, she handed me a slip of paper with boxes on it

Negative/NO Cancer
Probably Benign
Need follow up possible cancer
Need MRI
and a few other I can't remember...

Because mine had NEGATIVE NO CANCER checked.

I started to sob. The poor nurse was not phased. I am sure this is a normal thing in her business. For the good or bad.

She explained what is going on with me is still NOT normal. I will have to have more tests and possibly surgery, but from their tests there was no cancer. The most likely candidates for the problem are a papilloma, hormonal issues from the miscarriage, and maybe possible thyroid issues. My ob will get the full report this week and make more recommendations. I am not thrilled at the prospect of surgery or anything of the things that may be wrong. But I will take any of those things in a heartbeat, over cancer.

I asked a friend later that day, if it was possible they could tell me that and be concerned there was actually cancer. She reassured me they tend to be overly cautious about those things. But the panic attack freak in me, has a hard time coming to grips with that.


I feel so very thankful.

And so tired. After the painful and draining miscarriage and this scary week. I feel like flat tire.

I have decided to give my body a break. I am debating actually going on birth control, something I have never done in the 13 years I have been with my hubby. But we both need a break. I just want to BE. To feel at peace, to lose some weight and FEEL GOOD again. I want to be a good mom to my sons. A good wife to my husband.

To just breathe.

I can't thank you all enough. My friends and family on twitter, facebook, in "real" life were a life raft for me. AGAIN.

damn I am needy.