Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Empty Bassinet


The pretty blue bassinet that I adored when Isaiah was a baby sits in my living room, freshly washed and ready for a new baby.

It had been sitting in our closet for going on four years, a constant reminder of my failure.

We moved it to this house so we would have it for the next baby. We never had any problems having the three boys, we just assumed in two years another baby would come along. And our plan went pretty well, Isaiah would have been 2 years 3 months when Kai was due.

As you know, our plans were destroyed when we lost Kai.

Still I held on to the bassinet, with faith that one day there would be a baby for us. Four years and six miscarriages later, there is no baby.

I can't bring myself to bring it to the new house and stare at it for four more years, empty and gathering dust.

Moving to a new house gives us a fresh start.

No more reminders of all the pain we have faced in the years we have lived here. Well can't exactly say NO reminders, we still have Kai's ashes. I can't even begin to contemplate what I should do with them. I can't bare the thought of parting with them, yet knowing my son's final resting place is a cardboard box doesn't feel right either.

Not that I want to, or ever could forget. I just can't take seeing the empty bassinet every time I open the closet door.


PrincessJenn said...

Hugs. I wish I had something to say that would make it somehow easier or different for you. Or something to share or give that would somehow take away some of your pain.

As far as Kai's ashes, give yourself time to heal. If you're not ready to let go yet, then don't. You will know when the time is right.
And if you ever win the lottery you could look at getting a LifeGem made http://www.lifegem.com/

Lots of love and hugs and peace for your heart.

Suzanna Ruelas said...

I wish I had words, or something that would help, but all I can offer is support and an ear to listen when you need one. I can't enven imagine what you've been through.
But know that you are loved and you will be in my thoughts today. Sending you lots of stregnth and love <3

Tam said...

If you ever figure out what to do with Kai's ashes let me know. I'm having the same issues with Ariana's. I could never release them, but a box? And I couldn't stand to look at an urn on the shelf...sigh.

So damn hard.

Hugs x