Sunday, February 21, 2010

Raw

This has been a trying week for my family.

Last Sunday night we all were gathered at my house to celebrate Jordan's seventh birthday, laughing and joking. We were thrilled my dad was able to make it, since he has been back and forth to visit his fiance in the hospital in Tampa. She was having some complications following a bone marrow transplant, but the doctors assured him that she was going to pull through.

When I got up the next morning, I saw I missed a call from my dad at 2am and my heart stopped. I called him back and heard the news, that she had taken an extreme turn for the worse and nothing more could be done.

I called my sister and thank God she was able to travel with my dad to Tampa, I wish I could have gone too, but I had a 4 year old with a 102 temp. What happened that day is too painful and private to share, but Beverly passed away on Monday.

In two years of battling leukemia, I don't think it ever occurred to anyone that she wouldn't make it.

Today I sat in a church with my father, siblings, Bev's children, her entire family, and pretty much the whole county's sheriffs department (she was a sheriff's deputy), and cried. Cried a lot. I am so sorry, that in their eight years together I didn't get to know her more. My heart is broken for my dad, at 50 years old, he had to say goodbye to his love. My heart aches for her children, who though are adults, are very young to lose their mother and for everyone who knows her.

I don't deal well with death. I wish I could be one of those people who could cope better.
..
For now, we all muddle through, doing our best to support our dad.

Grief is a funny thing.

"They" always say there is no right or wrong way to grieve. When I lost Kai, I was raw. I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. I raged. I struggled for a long time, frustrated with myself for not being able to move past it. Hell I still struggle with that three years later.

Being a blogger and reading blogs, exposed me to some of the most awesome women, many who have faced enormous loss. Some grieve with rage, some with raw and gut wrenching emotion, and others with a heartbreaking beautiful grace. And none of them are doing it "wrong" they are doing the best they can to get by.

It's hard as hell to watch my dad struggle to find his way through this. Seeing your father cry, has to be one of the most painful things. I want to make it better, but I know this is his journey and eventually he will find a way.

4 comments:

Barb said...

Jenni,
You know my thoughts and prayers are with you always! You have been such an amazing friend to me through thick and thin and I want you to know you mean the world to me. You know I am ALWAYS here for you no matter what!!
You yourself have been through a lot and yet you always come out shining. You are a great person and I admire you.
See you soon!

BeautifulWreck said...

I am very sorry for your father's loss. How incredibly sad for all of you. Thoughts and prayers with all of you.

thepsychobabble said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're absolutely right, when you say there's no "right" way to grieve.
Your dad, you and the rest of your family will be in my thoughts during the upcoming days.

Sarah R said...

I wish I could have been there with you, too. *hugs*