Feel It Coming

I have been happy lately. Really happy. After being depressed for a few months, I was feeling better. Then yesterday I realized my birthday was coming. I have never liked my birthday. EVER. I have never had a party, that I remember (seems there was one when I was 2 or 3). But then in 2007 my birthday took on a whole new level of suck.

On March 12, 2007, I was picking up the ashes of my son at a funeral parlor.

On March 10th it will be three years since we lost Kai.

In the weeks after he passed away, I reached out to online groups. Some were supportive, some weren't, and some just scared me. There women in them that were three, four, and five years after their loss and they were still shattered by it. I thought, there is NO way in hell it will still hurt this bad years later.

Well it doesn't hurt as bad. That pain was so scary, I thought it would kill me. It PHYSICALLY hurt. I felt like there was a black hole sucking me in...it just never ended.

Three years later, I actually go a whole week or two without thinking about losing Kai. But this time of year is hard. It's a date that reminds me that someone is missing. That I shouldn't be mom2nji, I should be mom2njik.

Please forgive me if I am a little melancholy for the next few weeks. It seems as if I still have some working to do on this while grief thing.