A few years ago I "found God" again. I was struggling with depression after losing Kai, my marriage was rocky (mostly because I was batshit crazy), and I found solace in faith. So, I joined an online group, Above Rubies. And I tried. I really tried to fit in. But I failed, I found myself screaming at my computer screen at the blind stupidity of some of the women in the Rubies group. There many times I was involved in emotionally draining arguments with women from the site, on topics as volatile as gay marriage and abortion all the way to topics as lame as "Harry Potter is Devil worship". The final nail in the coffin of my rubidom came with the last presidential election. I was committing the HUGE sin of voting for a democrat (you know, the baby killing party). I was shocked and saddened to realize many of these "christian" women were racist as hell (thank God most of them never saw my family pics). I was also surprised at the unfounded, absolute vile, hatred they spewed. Eventually it was suggested I leave the group, I wasn't "christian" enough and clearly not ruby material. So I packed up my denim jumpers and moved on. I kid, I kid. I never actually bought those.
Later that month, I was also asked to leave a democratic message board for being too conservative. I was winning all around the interweb.
I stopped talking about politics and religion all together. It just was not worth the pain and frustration.
When I first found Rubies I read tons of material, among the many books I read, the book called, "Destined to be his Help-meet" stood out the most. I will say that a FEW of the principles in the book saved my marriage, but the rest of it was utter bullshit. I learned to let Neil parent his own way, to trust him more, to lean on him when I needed it. I spent the first part of my marriage trying to be the man and the woman and ignoring his thoughts and opinions. Let me tell you, that doesn't work out well. That is all I gleaned from the book. The rest terrified me. The books was written by the Pearls who run a freaky
Even after all that, I didn't lose faith in God. I still had faith and held on to it tightly through all my miscarriages, troubles with Noah's autism, and financial struggles. Now? I am struggling. I don't really fit in with any particular organized religion and I don't know where that leaves me.
So to make a long story short (too late!). I am not evangelical christian material. Also I am not liberal enough for most liberals. I am awesome like that.