Whoops.

I have seem to have neglected this blog lately. It's too hard to put into word the place I am in right now. The baby is still hanging in there. I still feel horrible, which is awesome, no really it is. We have had a few scares with spotting on and off, but another ultrasound this week confirmed the baby looks great and it growing.

I ordered a Doppler online. This could go one of two ways, it will bring me peace or make me a nervous wreck! (Yeah, I know, like making me MORE of a wreck is possible!) It should be here tomorrow. Yay for ebay.

I have to take it really easy because of the small bleed I have, moving around too much causes the spotting.

Two more weeks until I can stop the progesterone and then three until I have my NT scan. Hopefully after that I can finally relax.

The kids are on spring break and we are doggy sitting for my dad. There are two giant ass labs humping in my living room right now. It's craziness!

Normal

The high risk ob said everything looks normal. I never knew that word was so beautiful.


Also I made this for him or her since they are due in October.

Grow baby grow!

Here is our little one, measuring at 7 weeks 4 day with a heart beat of 167. I am in awe.

You Just Don't Get Over It

In case you have never read this blog, I have an anxiety disorder, a pretty bad one. One that I am currently off all medication for while I am pregnant.

I am having a huge anxiety attack today. Tomorrow is my ob appt. and I was really hoping to do another ultrasound to confirm the baby is growing and the heart rate got faster. Rather than do that she wants to do another blood test. Something that caused me horrible amounts of anxiety already. I can hardly breathe thinking about it.

I know it sounds dramatic and over sensitive, but here is the thing, YOU CAN'T just choose not to have anxiety when you have a disorder. I try calming breaths, positive thoughts, and I try to stay calm. But I can't. Having anxiety doesn't mean I ignore the good, am not thankful for all the blessings I do have, or I am not thrilled about this baby. I am just struggling.

Normal everyday things, like school tests send me into a spiral. Something as big as whether or not the baby is okay, send me spinning so hard I dont know what is up.
I know my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about anxiety and being scared/worried, but unfortunately I can't help it. Like any disease, it is part of who I am. I am sure no one would ask a diabetic friend to just get over it and eat some cake.

So I am sorry I am a pain in the ass, but apparently that is just who I am.
Going to go back to trying not to cry now.