It's Real

Arabella is getting stronger, I sit here on the couch typing this and she is kicking the crap out of me and I love every second of it. Tomorrow we will officially hit viability. I dreamed of feeling kicks again for 6 long years. I though that dream was never going to come true, so many losses stole it away.

So far, all of our other tests and ultrasounds are looking good. She is active and responsive. We finally got the shot we have been trying to of her spine and it showed "no noticeable defects" which is fantastic news.

My house is filling up with little pink outfits and blankets. Neil and I stare at our closet in wonder. PINK, it's a girl and she is growing more by the day. In about three months will go from a family of five to a family of six and will finally be complete.

The One Where I Whine Like a Bitch

There are days weeks as a mom that I just fail.

This is one of them.

I try not to be a negative blogger. Not that I hide the bad, because I do share my pain and loss, but I try not to rant and rage all the time. I also try to not wallow in the struggles of raising a child with Autism, but today I am not only wallowing, I am rolling in them like a pig in slop.

We knew Noah's adjustment to being on summer break would not be easy, daddy even took the first week he was out of school off to help him adjust. Didn't think about that just delaying the adjustment. We had a fabulous time last week Noah was an happy go lucky dude. Daddy went back to work and now it's like Pandora's box has been opened. Destruction, compulsive behavior, and screaming. Add the stress of stitches and two different dental appointments and he is nuclear.

But it's not just Noah...

My other two sons, who are perfectly "normal" children do nothing but fight and complain all day. I have tried everything. Forcing them to be together or apart. Stressing to Jordan that is NOT okay when he hits his little brother who is less than half his size. Grounding, screaming, begging, positive reinforcement, nothing helps.

I am so tired and drained. The worry for this pregnancy and Arabella, the fact that we can't pay our bills right now, trying to keep the peace among the boys, it's all too much. I want to be able to relax and enjoy this time. I know that isn't realistic with three kids home for the summer and another one on the way. I am just breaking mentally AGAIN.

The shots I am on to keep Arabella in, are NOT helping my mental state. They are doing a fantastic job of keeping her locked in tight where she belongs and for that I am very thankful. But emotionally and physically its like pregnancy and menopause all rolled up into one ball of fun.

So excuse me while I go cry in the corner.