Fighting

I promise someday soon my blog will go back to being more upbeat and focused on the positive. I am still struggling in a dark place and can't seem to find the strength to write about happy things.

I know I am coming across as whiny and ungrateful. I assure you I am far from that. We are very blessed this Christmas. Even in our hardest times financially we are still blessed. I have a wonderful family, three great kids, and an incredible husband. I KNOW in my periods of rational thought, all these things are true.

Sadly, my brain floats in and out of rationality. I keep thinking this funk was just sprung on me out of no where, but looking back, I have been dragging it along for months. I can't place why or when, just that my joy for life left at some point. Maybe the shock of this summers breast cancer scare never left. Though I do remember a few happy weeks. Then this damn bone spot sent me REELING over the top of feeling down into full deep dark depression/anxiety attack that won't end.

I have had a LOT of medical testing. All of which came to one conclusion. My physical issues are coming from my head. Yes there is a spot, but I was flat out told by two dentists that is was nothing to be worried about. So what did I do? WORRY, OBSESS, PANIC. Why? I wish I freaking knew. Other than the fact that yes, I am mentally ill.

I am having more good hours than bad since I started the meds on Thursday, so I am considering that a win. I am still scared, no, terrified. That there is something wrong with me. And that the SIX total doctors I have seen, missed something. WHICH IS NUTS. Again rational me sees this. The headaches have already started to get better, as long as I can avoid the panic attacks, I can keep the head pain to a minimum.

Irrational me, not so much. She would rather Google for 12 hours until she finds the ONE damn case of jaw bone cancer (yes it is that rare and hard to find) and match up one of 30 symptoms, and cause myself to panic more.

I am smart enough to know this is not normal. However, short of the meds I am finally relenting to, I have no idea how to stop the crazy voice in my head that says every sneeze is something deadly. Hell, my obsessing has even gone to my dog's health. Not normal.

So... now I fight. I drag my ass out of the fetal position in my bed, take my meds, and fight to feel like a normal person again. To be concerned about health, but not obsessed with the worst case scenario all the time.

I have had so much support online and from friends and family. I am annoying I know, but the constant reminders, that I am indeed, OKAY, help more than you can know.

Where I Am Right Now

When I posted last, I was talking about my desire to be NORMAL. That week I was in the middle of a HUGE fall. A fall that ended up with me debating going to inpatient care.

The headache started 3 months ago, coming and going. Then five weeks ago it didn't go. I've had a nonstop headache for FIVE weeks. Two clinic and two ER visits later, it was confirmed they are tension headaches from anxiety (with a little TMJ added in for fun). On Sunday my face went numb. I was terrified. BACK to the ER. My blood pressure was scary. VERY high. They said again my anxiety was the cause. Apparently I was hyper ventilating and didn't even know it. They gave me Ativan after talking me down to an almost normal bp.

The Ativan was NOT my friend. I cried...and cried. Deep depression joined the still blooming anxiety. The headache raged on. Last night I sat in my bed sobbing, rocking back and forth, wondering if I could DIE from the feeling I was having. My family and dear friends kept me together until my appointment this morning.

The doctor was great, he listened to me and was very understanding. He gave me two different meds. One was for immediate help and one will be long term. The immediate one worked right away. I went from a level 10 panic to like a 4. Headache is still pounding away, but the second med is supposed to help with that! Praying it does.

I wasn't sure I was going to talk about this. MENTAL ILLNESS, is such a hard phrase to swallow. For most of my life it has made me feel like less of a person. I fought needing meds for a LONG time. I have taken them twice, once when I had PPD and was actually suicidal. I can't fight anymore. I am still having a hard time with feeling like a failure and I am still scared. It's going to take time to accept that I NEEDED medical help.

As I write this my morning Klonopin is wearing off and I feel the panic creep in again. I am trying to wait until closer to bed to take the second one. Please pray that these do the trick, that I can be normal again. A HUGE bonus will be if the Pamelor takes the headache away.

Thank you all for reading my tweets, private messaging and calling. You have held me together.

Also thank you to my dear husband who is always my rock. This is far from over. It can take some trial and error to get meds right. I feel like I have some hope now.

Normal

I just want to be normal.

I want to not worry about everything.

I don't want a simple spot on an x ray to turn me into a nonstop panicked disaster. I think the worst. Even though the dentist thinks the white blob behind my wisdom tooth is probably nothing more than an extra unformed tooth, my fucked up mind goes straight to cancer. I can't breathe. I over research on the internet. Even though the research still says it's mostly likely what the dentist thinks, I still panic.

I wouldn't wish a panic attack disorder on my worst enemy.

I can't take this shit anymore. It seems that I am allergic to all the SSIR's meds that could help me.

I can't imagine what it's like to not think that every scratch bump and bruise is something horrible.

I feel so alone in this.

Not you too Santa

I hesitate to post this after the whole "My Son is Gay" hoopla, but I am annoyed and this is my outlet sooo....

Today we took the boys to the mall to see Santa. They were totally stoked. I am 90% sure we are in the last year of innocence in this department. They are 5,7,and 10 (though N's adjusted age it 4/5) and still fully believe that Santa is all knowing and full of the awesome.

He was a great looking Santa, real beard and all. He listened patiently to the boys tell him what they wanted and what fabulous pretty good okay children they were all year.

Then as they were about to leave, he made a joke. A joke that made me want to punch him in his jingle bells.

He said, "So you all want Barbies, RIGHT? Pretty Barbies, like little girls. ha ha ha."

Doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most boys right? Except that my sweet son ASKED ME FOR A BARBIE. Because of his autism, he had been too shy to tell Santa most of his list. I am almost thankful for that. What if he HAD told Santa he wanted a Barbie? Would he have teased him?

My son asked my why he had said that afterward, he doesn't get joking all the time, though he is funny as hell. He quickly brushed it off and forgot about it, but I haven't.

Maybe I am overreacting, being sensitive about this. I don't know. Sigh. I just think Santa should be a little more sensitive and less gender obsessed.

Side note. No. I don't think my son is gay, not that I would give two shits if he was. He likes girls a lot and has a little girl friend in school. With his mental delays and autism he just doesn't seem to care about what should be for girls or boys. Santa could learn a thing or two

I am still here

I haven't really been blogging, because my brain was exploding and looking at the computer screen was painful. It still is. Did you know you could get a sinus and ear infection without having a cold first or even having a stuffy nose? I do now. After antibiotics, decongestants, Flonase, and now the NetiPot I am sort of a little better. My ears hurt worse, but I think stuff is moving.

I am trying to get better for Thanksgiving. I have TONS of cooking to do!

We had a chill weekend, lots of naps, movies, and general chilling. I have been begging the hubby to get our Christmas tree, but he is holding steady on making me way til Friday to get it. Though he put up the outside lights, I keep crying foul.

I will be back later this week with something that makes sense and has more substance.

Converstations in the Van

Driving the boys to school this am we were all goofing around and being gross in general. You know the usual for boys.

kid two, "I will fart on you, mom"

me," I will sit on you and fart on YOU" (I am a 10 yo boy now)

kid two, "I will punch you in the gutballs, mom. Wait you don't have gutballs, right? I will punch you in whatever the heck you have down there then."

me:choking on giggles

Kid three pipes in, "DUH dude she has a VAGIMA, you want to punch her in the vagima?"

Kid two "OMG NOOO you are so gross"

At that point I am pretty sure I died from laughing.

stream of thought

I was going to post a list of shit that annoyed me this week, it was going to be long.

But then I woke up and it was crisp and cool. My dad left two pretty fall flower bushes on my porch. My dog ran around like a maniac in the cold morning air. The boys pulled out their jackets for the first time, excited about fun Friday PE in the chilly wind. There is cocoa and kettle corn for snack today. I had just enough to pay my bills this week. Literally by .76 but hell that WAY better than before. Neil is off tomorrow and we are going to enjoy this weekend's amazing weather.

So I will save the rant for another day. I am going to go sit outside with my dog.

After School Nom

Ah I love fall, the time of year I keep the sugar industry going.
I made this for after school snack today and it was SO good.

Kettle Corn**
* 1/4 cup canola oil
* 1/2 cup popcorn kernels
* 1/4 cup sugar
* 1 teaspoon kosher salt

Heat oil on medium to medium-high (I was on 6 on my stove). Add corn. When it starts to sizzle and bubble, sprinkle sugar on top. Cover and shake until the popping slows down. Pour into bowl and sprinkle with salt.

Now make yourself a bowl before your hyenas children eat it all.

**this is adapted, only a little, from Rachael Ray's recipe**

Tomorrow we make caramel apples!

If you dont have something nice to say...

Remember I said in my last post that we should keep talking to stop ignorance? Turns out that only applies to some people, others should actually just shut up.

Friday after school, I took the kids and dog to the doggy park, we were having a great time watching Milo roll in the dirt dust with a pit bull and jack russell. The jack russell was freaking INSANE. The pit? Was the sweetest dog. Isaiah spent most of the time playing fetch with her.

We were there about an hour when a woman walked in, she was uh interesting right off the bat. Obviously wealthy, she had WAYY too much plastic surgery. The icing on the cake was seeing her nipple ring through her very tight tank top. Did I mention she was like 60?

Immediately she hones in on the pit and demands to know who the owner is. The young guys speaks up, she begins to berate him without any pretense. Explaining that she doesn't think pits belong at the dog park and asks if the dog have ever attacked anyone. I step in and tell her the dog is a sweet mush and that my kids have been playing with her the whole time.

Then her ignorance just shines through...

She whips her head up and realizes that the only kids at the park are brown and looks at me again. "THOSE kids are yours????" To which I replied, "yep all them brown ones be mines" (insert dripping sarcasm). Her reply, "ohhh well I TRY not to judge." Took everything in me not to smack her.

She continues on her anti-pit tirade, sneaking in insults about them almost constantly. The owner was a sweet guy and continued to be polite.

The kicker?

When her dog finally came over to our side of the park, it was clear to see HER FREAKING DOG WAS AT LEAST HALF PIT! When we asked her about it she said noooo, she is just a mutt. Uh NO.

No H8

As everyone is aware, unless you live under a rock, there has been a rash of homophobic bullying related suicides, not to mention the asshats in the Montana GOP trying to make it illegal to engage in homosexual acts.

You heard me ILLEGAL.

They will fail if our constitution means anything, but these days we can't count on that. What the GOP and "tea party" seem to be forgetting is we have a separation of church and state. Religion has NO place in our government.

I have talked about my failed attempt to be an evangelical christian on here more than once. I have also talked about the fact that I refused to shun, condemn, or rage against gays was a major factor in why I just didn't fit in. I grew up around my parent's gay close friends, who by the way are still together and my parents aren't, and I knew these men did not deserve this kinda of treatment.

Another reason I am so invested in the rights of gays? Because as little as 20 years ago, MY marriage was an abomination in the eyes of the same type of maniacs that are now focusing on their homophobic hate. See being a racist isn't so PC anymore. Though, God knows it still exists. It is not really okay to be openly racist, but somehow it is okay to spread hate publicly against gays.

This is where we come in. We need to keep talking to each other and to our children. If we talk to our children about acceptance, love, and understanding hopefully we can prevent another child from taking their own life out of fear, desperation, and pain.

I understand some of you truly believe being gay is a sin. But we are ALL sinners and no sinner is greater than the others. Also I am pretty sure the bible is pretty clear on who gets to do the judging.

Hint, it's NOT you.

Why I Might Not have Sex for the Next 12 YEARS.

Last week I posted about being on the fence as far as the boys school situation. Well several things have happened since then.

First was progress reports, all three boys have straight A's. I am super proud of them all.

The second thing has my mind blown. Also not sure I am having sex again until my kids are in college.

Lately I have caught the boys whispering about sex. And quickly put a stop to it.
I am an extremely open person about sex and never really worried about talking to the boys about it, but I really wasn't ready to have the "talk" with them yet.
The other day one of the boys was eating a popcile and said, "I am totally having sex with this". I almost fell out of my chair.

After composing myself I demanded to know where he would have gotten such an idea...blank stare...He swore he didn't know where it came from.

I could delay no more, time to talk to them all. The baby is only five and really didn't think he was old enough, but my hand was forced. So I ask them what sex is...they all blush and say they know, but can't say it because it's too gross.
So I break it down. Using all the proper words and all.
And the baby looks at me and says, "yeah I know, they get naked, kiss, sometime a lady kisses a man's penis, then he puts it in her vagina". I wanted to cry. WHY DOES MY BABY KNOW THIS??

We limit their tv. We are careful what we watch when they are up. We keep our relations in the bedroom. He just came from a very conservative pre-k. I am at a loss. At first I assume the 2nd grader is hearing it from friends and sharing. But NOPE.

Turns out it's from the kindergartner's class! It is the same "friend" who has exposed himself to the class twice this year, who is sharing all this info. He also taught my son the word coochie. I will be calling the teacher on Tuesday. I hate to be "that" mom, but I don't want my kids near this one. I kinda thought he was making up the kid stripping in class, since the teacher never sent a note home or anything, but he sticks to that story and now this...

After I talked to the boys about the importance of NOT telling their friends about this info, because not all mommies want their kids to know. And that sex is for adults, little kids should not be talking about it. And of course, if they ever have a question to ask me or daddy.

And just when I think this is over for now, kid #2 looks at me and says, "SO THAT'S WHAT YOU AND DAD WERE DOING WHEN I WALKED IN YOUR ROOM THAT TIME???!?!?"

And then I died.

*Wanted to add, I am not making light of this, I am heartbroken that my sons' innocence has been shattered. But a little comedy is how I survive.

On the Fence

I have always been a huge supporter of public school. Hell I am/was even an education student, who had every intention of teaching in a public elementary school. As you know I have had a few struggles with Noah's education in the past and the recent bullying issue with Jordan. And now Isaiah is struggling.

Let me first say, I am not a delusional parent about my kids, they are FAR from perfect. But Isaiah is a REALLY good, easy going kid. In all of preschool he was only on yellow (warning) once or twice. He has been on yellow 3 times this WEEK! The reasons? Are refreakingdiculous. The first time he spoke to a friend. GASP. Yesterday he was on yellow for pretending to tickle a classmate with a feather. You read that right, PRETENDING. Have I mentioned he is FIVE and in the first months of kindergarten? I understand the need for order in the classroom. And the so-called-zero-tolerance-bullying-policy calls for NO touching. EVER. No hugs. No high five. No handshaking. Nothing. But really? It's bad enough there is no talking at lunch in their assigned seats and no recess, when are they supposed to be getting this socialization that I hear is supposed to happen in public school?

The other issue, Isaiah is VERY ahead of what they are learning right now. He finishes the work in 1/4 the time of most of the kids. He is just plain bored.

Recently I have been debating home school. I am really not sure I have the patience.

I really don't know what to do.

I am just not sure if the rigid public school environment is the place for them.

Whoa it's been a while since I posted.

I am not sure if I have too much to say, or nothing at all. I just haven't been inspired to post. I am still here, nothing is wrong. Feeling kinda blah about writing.

The weather is WONDERFUL down here in Florida.

I love fall. Really. I say this every year. I love making the house smell like apples and cinnamon, getting out the fall decorations, making pumpkin dishes, carving pumpkins, roasting seeds, and don't even get me started on Thanksgiving.

From this point on the year starts the steady happy climb to Christmas.

The low tonight is 59, which I am pretty sure is the temp of paradise.

I have been feeling crafty and decided to take up crocheting again.

Like everyone I am destroyed reading about the suicides of gay students at the results of bullying. I will be posting about it soon. I just can't find the words right now.

Trying

Fake it til you make it.

I figured I could do it.

Pretend I was FINE with never having another baby, until I get to the point I believe it.

I have been trying for months. I almost had myself fooled.

But the pain is back.

I can't go anywhere without seeing something that stabs me into the heart.

I so badly want there to be magic fix for whatever is causing my body to destroy pregnancy after pregnancy.

It's not in the cards for us and I have to accept that.

Just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Gutballs

For some bizarre reason this is the name the boys came up with years ago for testicles. They know the right name, but like their version better.

Tuesday Milo was neutered. I explained on the way there what they would be doing and why, but we were in a hurry and there was no time for questions. After I picked them up from school we headed out to bring Milo home.

He was insanely hyper for a dog who had just had surgery and peed on my foot in excited glee when he saw me. That has nothing to do with the story, but I like to over share.

On the way home Isaiah noticed that Milo no longer had gutballs and screamed to the others, "WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS GUTBALLS!! THEY ARE GONE!!"

Noah immediately looked back and said, "They took the round part out! Why?" So I explained again that they do this so he can't make puppies. To which Noah exclaimed in totally awe, "There were two puppies in his gutballs??!?!?"

I was choking back laughter when Isaiah piped up from the back, "No! Duh, if there has been puppies in there, they would have been moving."

I am a very open person about sex, but really didn't want to discuss dog sperm in the van with all three boys.

Only in my life. heh

Wordless Wedneday: Safari

Leave

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

Most of us don't think about domestic violence on an everyday basis, but when we do we think it only effects lower class, unmarried, clearly dysfunctional families.

The truth could not be further from that.

Everyday thousands of seemingly perfect moms/dads hide a secret. They live in fear of the time bomb that is their spouse. Walking on eggshells, trying to keep facade of normalcy, all while suffering.

Why do women/men stay when there is abuse? There are so many reasons: fear,lack of self worth, money, psychological, "love", and the one that is most ironic children.

I have seen what staying for the children ends up as. My friend is a guardian through the courts for children in those situations. What most don't realize is that when a spouse abuses another in front of the children it IS CHILD ABUSE. In the state of Florida it is considered abuse even if the child is never touched. And if you think your kids don't know what is happening... You are wrong.

I didn't wait to publish this til next month for many reasons. The first being this post by Jen that broke my heart. Followed by this one by Nic that turned my heartbreak into anger.

Even people in the public eye are not immune, yesterday the father on the tv show Raising Sextuplets was arrested for domestic violence.

I have gotten into many arguments of the past few months about the Eminem and Rhianna song, "love the way you lie". Some think it glorifies domestic violence. I have to disagree. It portrays a couple stuck in a cycle they can't stop. In many cases these relationships are NOT about hate and violence all the time. There is passion and love, so intense it's not healthy. Then there is ugly, hateful violence. It just repeats over and over. Like an addiction. Not all domestic violence had many faces, the soccer mom, the celebrity, the friend, mother, sister. It never looks the same. But the results are never good.

You may not see it. But it is there. We all need to be aware.

I am by no means an expert, but I feel like I can't sit idle by and say nothing.

To the women who find yourself in this place. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU DESERVE A BETTER LIFE.

LEAVE.

Send Mom of the Year Awards Here

So yeah I just posted about minding your own damn business as a mother and now I am going to bitch about other peoples kids.

There is something I find inexcusable as a parent, fostering or allowing meanness. As you read earlier Jordan is dealing with a bully, which pisses me off. We can't seem to escape mean kids.

The other day the boys met a boy in our new neighborhood. They were so excited to have him over to play. First I was shocked, he was 8 and allowed to roam our neighborhood freely until 7pm. He just came in our house. I insisted his mom must want to know where he was! But he assured me that she didn't care. As soon as he came in it was chaos. He dumped over toy boxes and was swinging bean bag chairs around. Hub went in and informed him we don't play that way here.

Five minutes later Isaiah came out sobbing. The boy had told him that he was not going to play with him, he was just the baby brother and he wasnt going to play with a baby. Isaiah tried to tell him he was not a baby, but the kid just mocked him. Then he proceeded to call Noah weird.

I wanted to punch him.

But instead he was told it was time to go home. Kids don't say those kinda things without their parents ever hearing it. Mine have tried it a time or two, but are quickly corrected.

Isaiah asked me after, what was the right thing to say back. The first thing that burst out of my mouth was "kiss my ass". Yeahhhh I said that to a five year old. I win for mother of the year right? He looked at me, mouth open, and said, " I can't say that!" My even better response? Okay, say "kiss my butt".

I am trying to do the right thing. To raise kind, loving boys. To teach them not to use their fists to solve things and to never say things like that to another child, ever. However, I am not going to raise victims. So, go for it kiddo. If some turd comes in OUR house and calls you names, "kiss my butt" it is.

What's it to YOU?

Americans in general, are a nosy people, in particular the women. We feel the need to shove out ideals straight.down.the.throat. of anyone who DARES to think independently or has a differing opinion.

The points are not my thoughts, but the rantings I have heard in my exposure to the mom mafia, the women who KNOW everything better than you do. the stuff in this print is alll me.

You should;
Always have a vaginal natural birth.
Because, you know pushing a baby out your vagina MAKES you a mom. It's awesome if you can have a perfect delivery, but it's not always the case and making someone feel ashamed for doing what they believed was best for them, is sick. When I had a rant similar to this on facebook last week, a friend mentioned that someone came to her saying she was afraid to admit she had a csection. Are you kidding me?
Breastfeed.
Not breast feeding? Might as well sign little Timmy up for prison now, because he is DOOMED.
Stay at home/ or work.
Depending on what they do.
School you children the way they see fit.
Homeschool? You are raising social outcasts. Public School? Criminals and losers. Private school? Elitists.
Have a perfect house.
Wait you mean your house doesn't look like a magazine ad ALL.THE.TIME?
Be a perfect wife, or alternately be a bitchy wife.
I can't believe how many times I have been called out for not speaking ill of my husband.
Have 2 children.
You want HOW many kids? Are you not concerned about your carbon foot print? You are over populating the earth! Or you can NEVER love 5 kids as much as I love my 2. If you choose to have none, well clearly, something is wrong with you.
Be Christian.
In a country founded on religious freedom, it's terrifying that people feel the need to HIDE their religion, because otherwise you are doomed to the fiery pits of hell. While I consider my self Christian, having grown up around many different religions, I find it difficult to believe this.

That's just the beginning. Whether it's the food you eat, the car you drive, the house you live in, SOMEONE always has an opinion.

Do womankind a favor, unless someone ASKS your thoughts, SHUT UP. You think you know best, but the truth is we are all just doing the best we can.

We do no favors to ourselves by bashing, undermining, and hurting each other.

Update

On various things...

Jordan had a great day Friday, his teacher removed situations where they bullies would have a chance to even speak to him, until we work out a more permanent solution. She is communicating with me frequently and committed to protecting him.

I finally went to the mental health doctor. Since I have no insurance, there is a LONG ass wait. I felt silly even going, since I have not has a panic attack in almost a month. The doctor was very nice and understanding. He gave me something to help with sleep, which is nice,since I haven't had a decent night's sleep in, oh maybe 10 years. He also gave me an antidepressant, which should help with the anxiety issues. I am still not sure I want to take it.

We are still settling in to out new house. Everyone is happy here.

The puppy is still FULL of the awesome. I think my hubby may love him more than me.
He lost his top two canines the other night and dh went to the store to get him a bone so the tooth fairy could come for him. I kid you not. This was the boys idea, but it was adorable that he actually did it. I can't believe how much Milo has added to our lives. I am thrilled we decided to get a dog.

We are off to scorch in the sun and go to Disney today. I don't wanna go. I am still sick and it's still SO hot, sigh the things we do for kids.

Powerless

That is how I feel right now.

After my last post about doing what's right for my kids, I was feeling confident as a mom.

Until today.

We picked up all three kids in the car line, as normal it's a burst of sound, Isaiah telling me what every kid ate and did today. Noah proud he had a good day, except that mommy (me) put a belt on him and DUH he doesn't have the skills to get it off in the potty.

About 5 minutes into the ride I notice Jordan isn't speaking. I look back and he is silently crying. He is a sensitive kid and is no stranger to tears. But instantly my momma radar went off. His brothers then say they just realized he didn't talk to them on the car ramp either. I start throwing out questions, "did you get in trouble? hurt? get a bad grade?" Then it hit me. It was that little fucker again.

It's probably wrong to call a kid a little fucker, but really I am having a hard time grasping my rage right now.

Last year Jordan had almost daily run ins with a boy in his class. Never physical, but constant taunting and teasing. Pretending to be his friend and then hurting his feelings on purpose. He had a male teacher, who was very much in the mind set that they should work it out on their own. And since it wasn't physical I let myself get talked into letting it go. My heart sank when I walked into his classroom this year to see that boys name on the class list.

REALLY? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?

I asked him daily the first week, is everything ok? And he swore it was. But this week, I forgot to ask. I am sick, but that is no excuse. Turns out the mental bullying picked right back up. Except now this kid has recruited another kid to help out. After they got in trouble in class for picking on him, they waited til he was walking out to the car ramp to PUNCH him in the backpack and laugh at him.

I have been talking to his teacher via email tonight. She plans to tell the boys a teacher saw what they did and they will be dealt with and Jordan will not be incriminated. She is going to have the counselor come in and talk to the class about bullies and standing up to them. She is doing all that she thinks is best. But what is killing me is it is coming across as it's JORDAN'S problem. He is shy, quiet, and lacks confidence. Well NO SHIT he has been bullied for more than a year.

He is sensitive and shy. Qualities my other two barbarians son's do not have. Despite Noah's special needs, he just assumes everyone likes him and if they don't he just ignores them. Isaiah assumes the same and 90% of the time it's true.

I am an outgoing person. Hubby is not. Neither is right or wrong. It's just who we are. My son is being picked on for being GOOD. He has never been in trouble at school. The bullies are on a daily basis, not for bullying, for general badness.

Jordan is insanely strong. Like freakishly. The kids has a six pack and pecks that would make a jersey shore cast member jealous. He can life and carry more weight than I can. My dad pointed out, that he should just kick the kids asses. My dad went to school in the 60's when a fight got your mom called. Now a days you fight, you get arrested. YES. In second grade. They will cuff you. I have seen it with my own eyes. So I always stressed to all the boys, Jordan in particular, NEVER EVER hit. Even if they hit you.

But right now, I am leaning towards my dads side. Hell I want to beat them.

I feel at loss.

Do I demand a class room change? And risk making him a bigger target? They will still see him at specials and lunch. Do I see how the teachers plan works? I have not a clue. I want to keep him home and protect him from all this. Am I over reacting? Under reacting? I don't want to be that mom that loses her child because she didn't defend him against bullies. But I don't want to be THAT mom, the over protective nut case.

Have you dealt with bullies? I need all the help I can get.

What Matters

In the last two weeks our lives have changed.

We lived in chaos for most of the last 3 months; the miscarriage, the breast cancer scare, and the move. We are now settled in our new house. We have new routines, are more organized, and loving more space and less stuff. 12 days out of the last 2 weeks we have managed to sit down and have a real family dinner every night. Something we rarely did before.

It is awesome.

I realized they are really growing up. We have actual conversations. Today we went to the dog park with Milo, to Ikea, and had McDonalds for lunch*. I asked them over dinner what was their favorite thing about today, expecting to hear the playground at Ikea. But all three of them answered, playing in the back yard with us and the puppy before dinner. We make a huge effort to do lots of fun things with the boys, Disney, playgrounds, movies, chuck e cheese, all that fun stuff, but that's not what mattered to them. I SHOULD know that, right? This is basic after school special shit.

I forget.

I worry about our lack of money right now hurting them. The truth is as long as they have clothes, food, roof over their heads, and us, it's okay.

I worry about making the wrong choices when it comes to Noah. About hurting my uber sensitive Jordan. About Isaiah, well not really, seriously he is the most confident person I have ever met. So I actually worry about NOT worrying about him.

I have issues.

We are surviving on an income that has been on steady decline for a little while now and has suddenly plunged us below the poverty line. No, I am not exaggerating. I wish I was. Before the cancer scare and a major reality check this would have sent me into constant panic attacks, now I know it's not what matters. We will find a way and will do what we have to do to get by. Thank God, I am frugal and plan ahead. I had the kids school clothes and shoes purchased months ago. I used coupons for food and all other household items. The kids want for nothing. We will do our freaking best to make sure they never do.

We all worry as parents, we doubt, we fret, we all out freak out, but we do the best we can. Over and over.

*I should mention that the Ikea trip and the McDonalds were all care of my awesome sister.

The New House... Sort of finished

We are settling in. Mostly unpacked, but I need to get the decorating done and buy a whole lot of much needed stuff to do that. You know when money falls from the sky.

Ignore my school shit on the couch.



My dad did the texture work on the walls.

Noah and Isaiah's room. They need new bedding something fierce.

Jordan's room, ok brace your self this room is YELLOW.

Also added, because I want to, a pretty flower picture.

Wordless Wednesday: Milo

Adventures in Moving

Packing, cleaning, and painting oh my...sonofamonkeysuncle I never want to freaking move again.

The actual moving day was exhausting, but it went pretty well, thanks to family helping a lot.

And because I have OCD(I really do) I HAD TO UNPACK THE ENTIRE HOUSE within 24 hours. The next day, I had to hang every picture. After that we got to go back to the old house and clean and paint for several days.

THEN, when we schlepped back to the new house sweating like roofers, the neighbor "kindly" suggested we cut the grass, like NOW. One of the awesome things about this house is the huge back yard, it's like a football field. But with a 107 degree index, cutting it was going to kill my hubby, so I tried to help. Stupid idea. As soon as I turned on the self propelled, my knee dislocated. It took me a few seconds to send the message to by brain to let go of the damn mower. Adding that to the fractured toe and sliced open hand and I am VERY hurty right now. The house looks great now, so it was worth it.

If you noticed I was quiet, it was because during all this, I had no internet. Yesterday the installer was due to come between 3 and 5. At 4:55 I was beginning to freak out, because OMG another day without internet and I would go insane. But just as I called the company he rang the bell.

He was here until 10:30 PM. During that time we discovered a wet spot in the living room under the a/c which caused panic. Thank goodness the handy man is my dad! He figured out that the water was coming from the back of the freezer, the ice machine hose had split so we had to turn the water to the house off. This is important because, the cable man DROPPED A FREAKING DEUCE in the bathroom and couldn't flush.
Which EWWW. But, hey, shit happens. What really skeeved me out was finding him SITTING in my bed. Like where I SLEEP! The internet hook up, which was not working, is in my room, so he was in there for hours, but dude, there was a CHAIR in the room. WHY was he sitting in my bed? Also he turned off my ceiling fan. Make yourself at home dude. He finally figured out the problem at 10:30, but it was too late to fix it. We had the pleasure of him returning at 7 am today. But I FINALLY HAVE INTERNET! Yay.

I hope this make sense because I am so damn tired. Pics of the house to come soon.

And the winner is...................................

eadwyer said...
I have twin girls....one absolutely loves Buzz. She carries him around EVERYWHERE and he sleeps in her arms each night. My other daughter loves Jessie. She likes to dress up in her Jessie shirt, cowgirl boots, and cowgirl hat, riding her horse saying "YeeHaw". Too Cute!

Congrats!! I will be contacting you with details now.

To everyone who didn't win, thanks for entering and please don't forget the special offer to my readers; a special $11 ticket price for select performances: opening night, Friday at 7:30 pm; Sat. at 7:30 pm; and Sunday at 1 and 5 pm. Simply visit the box office or ticketmaster.com and use promo code “MOM” at check out! Note, this price isn’t good for rink side or VIP seats, and there is a maximum of six that can be purchased. For more information on the show, visit www.disneyonice.com.

Also you can enter to win again over at Finding Yourself Despite Yourself .

Update

Things are CRAZY around here. First we weren't moving until next week. Then we were moving in FOUR days. We are moving in FOUR days. Guess what? I am only like 1/3 packed. OOPS.

But there is GOOD news:

Went to the surgeon for the results of the pathology on the breast discharge on Tuesday, it was completely normal! He is not at all concerned; between the clear mammogram and sonogram and his test results, he is convinced the problem was likely a combo of Fibrocystic breast disease and hormonal changes from the many miscarriages I have gone through. He like every other doctor agrees, it is time to give my body a break.

In other happy news, Milo is all healed up from his paw boo-boo and is growing like a pony. He was 22lbs when we brought him home 3 weeks ago. I will not be surprised if he weighs in at 40+lbs on Saturday when he gets his shots. He is already housebroken and crate trained. And has completely fit in with the family. I can't tell you how much he has helped me through the last few weeks. My panic attacks have been so much better since we brought him home.

The kids go back to school on Monday (you know, the day after we move). I have mixed feelings, I will miss them. But, truth be told they are driving me, and each other, batshit crazy. It's either too hot or stormy to play outside. Our house is in shambles and boxes. And netflixs on demand only entertains so long. Praying Noah has another great year and continues to improve and that the other two like their teachers and make new friends (I don't worry about them as much academically). Isaiah is a kindergartner now. My BABY is in elementary school. Big heavy sigh.
The bonus in that? ALL THREE KIDS GO TO ONE SCHOOL. I drop them off all at once and pick them all up at once. YIPPEEEE!!!

I will will be MIA for the next week or so while we settle in!

So help me..

If I ever mention to anyone, EVER again, that I want to have a garage sale in August, SMACK ME. Really.
Two days of hard work, sweating my arse off, and dragging crap in and out and I am $17 richer. That is all.
Today it went from 100 degrees to raining, to 100 degrees, to storming. I am so tired I could cry.
And this was nothing...
Next week, we MOVE.
Someone hold me.

Disney On Ice and a Giveaway!

You know we are HUGE Disney fans around here and Toy Story is at the top of the list. We ride the ride at Hollywood Studios and watch the movies over and over again. So you can imagine how excited I was to be contacted take part in a giveaway for tickets to see the Disney On Ice presents Disney/Pixar’s Toy Story 3!

The summer’s biggest hit movie, Toy Story 3, and memorable moments from Toy Story and Toy Story 2 are hitting the ice in this awesome live production skating into to the Amway Arena September 10-12! Catch all the heroic action when Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Jessie and the Toy Story gang escape from the rambunctious tots of Sunnyside Daycare and race for home in their most daring adventure ever. Rediscover the humor, friendship and charm of Toy Story when Disney On Ice presents Disney/Pixar’s Toy Story 3 takes family fun to infinity and beyond!

Just for my readers, they are offering a special $11 ticket price for select performances: opening night, Friday at 7:30 pm; Sat. at 7:30 pm; and Sunday at 1 and 5 pm. Simply visit the box office or ticketmaster.com and use promo code “MOM” at check out! Note, this price isn’t good for rink side or VIP seats, and there is a maximum of six that can be purchased. For more information on the show, visit www.disneyonice.com.

The best part? Here’s your chance to win four ticket vouchers good for any performance of Disney On Ice! All you have to do to enter is leave a comment telling me about your kids favorite Toy Story character. You may also receive an extra entry each for tweeting or posting about this giveaway on Facebook, please leave a comment for each of those including a link. If you do not have a blogger account, please include your email in the comments. The contest will end August 13th at 10pm. Winner will be drawn at random.

Can't wait to see you at the show!

**I was given four tickets for our family to attend, in exchange to sharing this event on my blog.**

Good Calming Vibes Please

I went to the mental health clinic today.

I dug in deep all week, telling myself I just had to get through today.

I was wrong. I only saw a counselor to discuss my anxiety, who, once again, determined I have anxiety problems. No shit, REALLY?

So I get to see an actual doctor on September 2nd.

That is a really long time for someone who has been in a constant state of panic for more than a month.

I have no choice, I have to keep battling through.

Monday morning is my appointment with the surgeon. I don't really know what to expect. He may look at my scans and say no further action is needed (please let him say this), he may want to aspirate a small cyst I have, or he could decide to surgically remove my ducts and send them for pathology.

Like I said before my scans were both good. No signs of cancer. But the panic attack disorder won't let me stop fearing and obsessing over the worst.

I obsessively, keep reading message boards with people with who have had the same symptoms I have and later found out it was cancer. I KNOW those are the rare cases, and DUH when you read CANCER message boards, you will find the people who have CANCER.

I am trying to remain calm and think of the best. Something panic attack disorders make very very difficult.

Since I can't get any meds,can you please send me calming vibes and prayers, that I make it through this weekend panic attack free and that the doctor says there is no cancer. Thank you all for the support and love over the past few months.

Movin on...

Up?

Well kinda... laterally.

We were given an opportunity to move to a slightly larger house for less money. And we are taking it. The house we have lived in for years, we were not allowed to paint the walls anything but flat off white. Our last two places were the same. We have NEVER been allowed to paint the walls colors. In this house we are! I am going to have a color orgasm. Then there is the issue with the mold.

Our new doggy is welcome there and it has a HUGE yard.

So if I am posting even less than usual, I will be packing, painting, and fretting.

On a semi related note, I am finally getting some help for my out of control anxiety. I have an appointment on Friday. I have been battling for four years med free, since we were trying have a baby. We have decided to STOP trying. I am not sure we will ever try again, but for now, I am done. So med city here I come.

The miscarriage, the cancer scare, the move are all overwhelming me. I have spent most days crippled by the racing heart, cold sweats, and paralyzing fear.

It's time to stop just treading water and feel GOOD again.

We are hoping that a new house will mean a fresh start. We are leaving the pain and loss in that happened in the four years in this house, behind.

We knew a new dog would bring adventures but...

Not this many, this fast.

Poor sweet Milo started out his day with death threats from the cat.

Don't let her sweet kitty looks fool you, she will cut a bitch. Just ask anyone who has tried to visit our house.

He was a very good sport about camping with the boys.




He went to the vet for his first shots and did fantastic. He is a healthy 25 lbs, perfect for his breed and age, apparently they are supposed to be on the thin side.
We were told repeatedly how pretty he was.

When we got home he was running around the yard with the boys after going potty, and stepped on glass left behind by the asshat window guy. He nearly sliced one of the pads of his foot off. It was bleeding pretty badly and I was worried about infection. So we went to the emergency vet. Five hours, almost $500, and tears later we came home sedated and stitched up. He has to wear a cone for 10-14 days, take antibiotics, and pain pills but he will be fine. Thank goodness.

Meet Milo

Jordan has had tennis ball in his room for a year, just in case we were able to get a puppy.
When my sister adopted a puppy a few weeks ago, Noah said,"Mandy, doggies make my heart happy".
Isaiah seeks out every dog he can find, and asked if we could steal my dad's dog Inky.
We decided it was time to move for many reasons, but being able to get a dog was up on the list.
I have been patrolling the pound, rescues and craigslist for weeks. Two days ago, I placed a wanted ad for a lab or lab mix puppy and got a reply last night. A sweet guy who had adopted 2 puppies, then lost his job, started a home business all in the span of weeks. His house was full of employees and the pups were having to be locked up a lot. And he is barely getting by, so he was having to ration the pups food. :(
He decided that they deserved more and offered one or both of them to me.
We went to meet them this morning, and quickly fell in love with one of them. I would have loved to take both, but I can't imagine feeding two big dogs!
We had an eventful ride home, the puppy POOPED in the car. Luckily it was on a something that was easily dumped and rinsed. Turns out he had only been in the car once and he was scared.

Boy it's hard to catch a pic of three little boys and a hyper puppy! This one is a bit blurry because Noah was rubbing his face on the puppy.

He is a typical lab, he LOVES the water. He tries to swim in his water bowl and when you turn on the hose he comes running.
He is part black lab and part chocolate lab, his coat is the color of dark chocolate. He is 14 weeks old and way to skinny for his age. I am still working out how much and when to feed him, he is SO hungry, but I don't want to make him sick.
He knows sit and stay. He doesn't cross a door unless you tell him it is okay. He isn't totally housebroken, but he is doing pretty good.
Our *cough*sweet*cough* kitty is NOT happy, she is currently glaring at me down the hallway. I am guessing I will be kitty shanked in my sleep.
The boys, oof. The are so happy it made me cry more than once today. Hubs and I are pretty smitten too. He is just SO sweet. Let's see how our first night of crate training goes!

The Roller Coaster

I have been trying to write this all day and have had a hard time, because every time I think of the last week, my heart races again.

I noticed a little speck of blood and wondered where the heck it had come from, I squeezed and more came out. It was late at night and I fell asleep and forgot all about it until the next afternoon. When I squeezed again and again there was more blood. I began to worry and hit the internet for good ol Dr. Google, STUPID STUPID STUPID idea. Because what is the first thing that comes up for bloody breast discharge?

CANCER.

I called my ob, who made me an appointment for the next morning. I may have mentioned before that I have a panic attack disorder. One, that because we have been trying to have a baby, I have not been taking medication for... By 5pm my heart was racing so bad I couldn't breathe. I ended up at the ER with a pulse of 150 and a blood pressure that was terrifying. They kept me there til it was lower, but sent me home pill free.

I made it to the ob's office the next morning, where she did little to calm my nerves. She said she had never seen it before in a non nursing mom and that yes it is a sign of cancer.

I kept telling myself my risk factors are low; no family history of any cancer, my age, I started puberty after 12, had my first child in my early 20's, breast fed, ect...

I was fast tracked for a mammogram/ultrasound for the next morning. My panic continued to spiral out of control.

The mammogram was not as bad as I thought. Embarrassing as hell, seeing as my breasts are SO big they didn't fit on the tray and had to be done in sections. The tech told me that large breasted women have less pain during the mammogram. She didn't mention that after you feel like your boobs were run over by a semi. I was actually calm through the mammogram, I knew they would see little on it because of my dense breasts.

After waiting another hour, I was taken in for the ultrasound. All I can say is you haven't lived until you get smacked in the face with your own ultrasound goop covered boob. Really.

This tech was not at all chatty or friendly and kept looking over the same spots over and over. I could see her measuring something and I was scared to death. At the end, she told me to sit up, but then came back and said I need to look again. MORE WORRY. After rechecking, she said she had to get the doctor. FULL ON FUCKING PANIC. I was crying and dry heaving the ten minutes I was left alone in the room.

Then suddenly, rather cheerfully she came back in the room and said I could get dressed. Shaking like a leaf I tried as best I could to de-goop my breasts and get dressed. I sat in a waiting room. Within seconds I was called again.

The nurse in the hall told me I was fine and free to go. I stared at her, confused, she handed me a slip of paper with boxes on it

Negative/NO Cancer
Probably Benign
Need follow up possible cancer
Need MRI
and a few other I can't remember...

Because mine had NEGATIVE NO CANCER checked.

I started to sob. The poor nurse was not phased. I am sure this is a normal thing in her business. For the good or bad.

She explained what is going on with me is still NOT normal. I will have to have more tests and possibly surgery, but from their tests there was no cancer. The most likely candidates for the problem are a papilloma, hormonal issues from the miscarriage, and maybe possible thyroid issues. My ob will get the full report this week and make more recommendations. I am not thrilled at the prospect of surgery or anything of the things that may be wrong. But I will take any of those things in a heartbeat, over cancer.

I asked a friend later that day, if it was possible they could tell me that and be concerned there was actually cancer. She reassured me they tend to be overly cautious about those things. But the panic attack freak in me, has a hard time coming to grips with that.


I feel so very thankful.

And so tired. After the painful and draining miscarriage and this scary week. I feel like flat tire.

I have decided to give my body a break. I am debating actually going on birth control, something I have never done in the 13 years I have been with my hubby. But we both need a break. I just want to BE. To feel at peace, to lose some weight and FEEL GOOD again. I want to be a good mom to my sons. A good wife to my husband.

To just breathe.

I can't thank you all enough. My friends and family on twitter, facebook, in "real" life were a life raft for me. AGAIN.

damn I am needy.

The Empty Bassinet

The pretty blue bassinet that I adored when Isaiah was a baby sits in my living room, freshly washed and ready for a new baby.

It had been sitting in our closet for going on four years, a constant reminder of my failure.

We moved it to this house so we would have it for the next baby. We never had any problems having the three boys, we just assumed in two years another baby would come along. And our plan went pretty well, Isaiah would have been 2 years 3 months when Kai was due.

As you know, our plans were destroyed when we lost Kai.

Still I held on to the bassinet, with faith that one day there would be a baby for us. Four years and six miscarriages later, there is no baby.

I can't bring myself to bring it to the new house and stare at it for four more years, empty and gathering dust.

Moving to a new house gives us a fresh start.

No more reminders of all the pain we have faced in the years we have lived here. Well can't exactly say NO reminders, we still have Kai's ashes. I can't even begin to contemplate what I should do with them. I can't bare the thought of parting with them, yet knowing my son's final resting place is a cardboard box doesn't feel right either.

Not that I want to, or ever could forget. I just can't take seeing the empty bassinet every time I open the closet door.

Because, Really, There Are NEVER Too Many Beach Pictures

4th of July: Not the way we planned

I had PLANNED a beautiful post filled with awesome fireworks pictures.

Since it had been raining for FOUR freaking days, we were rightfully worried about the weather. Around noon, we knew for sure our plans of going to the town fireworks display would not be happening. So in a mad scramble, I threw together a meal and grabbed some home fireworks.

And it rained. And rained.

And rained.

We tried to shoot the fireworks in the rain. I tried to take pictures in the rain...





Not as great as I hoped, but we had a pretty good time.
We still have plenty more fireworks to shoot off, hopefully this weekend.

The Perfect Evening

Normally, we head out to the beach in the morning, fight for a place to park, then fight for a place to set up camp on the busy beach. We last about 2 hours in the scorching sun and head home sticky and sweaty. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE the beach, but this week we wanted to try something different.

We left around 4pm, got to the beach at 4:45 and found the parking lot empty. It was still pretty warm and the beach as sprinkled with a few families. We swam, played in the sand, and took a zillion pictures until sunset. After a bbq dinner from a little hole in the wall place and ice cream from a little shop that I have been going to since I was a kid, we rode home with the sunset on one side of us and the moon rising on the other, singing along with the radio at the top of our lungs. Feeling nothing, but bliss.

They are growing so fast, I want to take these moments and freeze them.

Happy Father's Day

I loved him before I ever thought of him as a father. I never really had doubts, I just wasn't thinking that far ahead.

He wasn't the type to snuggle and coo at our friend's babies. I wondered if he had even held at baby. But the second Noah was born, those worries faded. He gave him his first bath, changed all his diapers, and even whipped up bottles with ease (I had a csection and couldn't do much at first). He shared night time duties with all three boys, even on work nights. I listened to other friends complain at play-dates, about not having any help and thanked my lucky stars I was so blessed.

He is more than a good dad. He is hands on, strong, active, loving, pretty much all the things I would put into a dream dad. He helps with homework, plays football in the evenings, and video games when it's too hot to play.



He is teaching them to be good husbands, by being affectionate, respectful and loving to me. Nothing brings on little boys squeals of disgust like seeming mommy and daddy smooch and every time he tells them, "It is when you DON'T see kissing that you should be upset".

Because they couldn't wait til the actual Father's day, the boys gave him home-made cards and sang him a song they made up just for him. He also got pirate beach stuff and a spanky new phone. The kids aren't the only ones who suck at holding out on gifts.

Happy Father's day to all the wonderful dads out there.

Why I Once Again WIN at Parenting

Today we went swimming at Wekiva Springs. For those of you who have never been swimming in a natural spring in Florida, let me tell you the water is COLD, 72 degrees all year round. It has been unbelievably hot here, with heat indexes around 105-109 all week. Today it wasn't quiet that hot, but it was more than warm.

We made our way down to the water... Having been there a million times I knew the only way to get used to the temp was to dive right in. I may have been a lot, but it's been several years since I was there.

I dove and came up literally GASPING for air, I *might* have screamed "shit". After a minute or ten, I started to get used to it. The kids however, were more reluctant and the water around the stairs was very deep. My hubby led them around to a shallow part, by the time I swam there, all three were in the water. Noah was NOT happy.

Let me preface by saying, Noah likes potty words. It's a daily battle, but with the Autism, I tend to lose.

I convinced Noah the only way to get used to the cold was to go underwater. So while he was holding me with a death grip we went under. As soon as I hit the surface I heard Noah scream, "Shitdamnfuck" followed by, "oohh sorry mommy but shhh shh shh shit it's cold"! I wanted to be mad. REALLY. But I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed until tears poured out of my eyes.

He never got used to it.

We got home three hours ago and I am still cold.

Favorite Children's Books

This is my first Girl Talk Thursday!
I loved reading as a kid, I mean LOVED. My childhood wasn't filled with happy fluffiness, reading provided an escape. I spent most of my time huddled up with a book. I still love to read.

My favorite books by far were the Little House Series, I can't even count the times I read them all. One of my few regrets of not having a girl is sharing these books with them. I am hoping at least one of the boys will like them

A close second is The Secret Garden, (happy sigh) I still love this book. It was the perfect parallel to my need to escape.

Another favorite was Matilda. I think everyone loved that book.

Like every kid in the 80's, I loved anything from Judy Bloom, Sweet Valley High, and the Baby Sitters Club books.

What were your favorite childhood books?

A Getaway and Eleven Years

Yesterday was our 11th wedding anniversary. All the fantastical I said about our marriage last year, are still true. We have faced a few more trials, had some more fun, and love each other even more than we did before.

To celebrate and to take a break from all the stress, we joined my sister and her best friends family for a beach weekend. We stayed at a little family hotel on Daytona Beach. The kids swam, ran in the sand, pigged out on bbq and had a blast.


After we thought the kids had fallen sleep, my sister came to babysit them and let us walk on the beach. It was incredible. The beach was very dark and peaceful we sat in the sand and listened to the waves, the only lights were the stars and a Ferris wheel in the distance. There was smooching, hand holding, slow dancing to the sound of the ocean and lots of general mushy love stuff. It was freaking amazing.
Of course we returned to our room to find three wide awake boys jumping on beds.

Ahem. Auntie Mandy is not a the best at discipline. But the time alone was worth it. Seriously, thank you sis.

We drove home today, relaxed, happy, sandy, and tired. Awesome weekend.

Momma Needs a Break

Noah "broke" his nose this weekend. He face planted into the train table after trying to flip off the couch. At first I thought it was just a scrape, then I noticed it bruised at bedtime. The next morning it was HUGE. It was a holiday, so we went to an after hours pediatric clinic. The doctor said there were more than likely fractures, but there was nothing they could do. We just kept ice on it and the swelling went down. One of the weirdest aspects of his autism, is his pain tolerance. The kid feels very little pain. When he fell, he just stood up, grabbed his nose and said ouch. He never complained about it hurting at all. I know I would have needed some serious pain meds considering how bad it looked.

Then yesterday, the oldest two went off to school and I took Isaiah to a swimming play date. He had a blast swimming for almost 3 hours straight. He also inhale two hot dogs, some cookies, chips, and juice boxes.

Can you guess where this is going?

On the way home, he started to scream and cry his tummy hurt. Isaiah is NOT a complainer, so I got worried. Then without so much as a gag, he went exorcist on me all over our van. We raced home, right as it started trying to escape the other end. He had a bath and fell asleep. I felt bad, but I had to wake him so we could pick up the other two. I grabbed a plastic bag on the way out the door, thank God I did, because he threw up again. Nothing like trying to catch puke while DRIVING in a car line.

I started to get worried. He looked horrible. Cold, clammy, shaking, very sleepy, getting sick on both ends frequently, and limp. I took to twitter to ask if maybe swallowing pool water could do this and someone suggested what I was already fearing, dry drowning...

So I PANICKED and called the doctor. We drove straight there. He got very sick in the office again. The doctor said his lungs were clear and he probably just drank too much pool water and in combination with hot dogs and heat made him very sick.
He was much better by bed time, he is still a little off today, but holding food down.

The van has been shampooed, In case you were wondering, hot dog barf is the the WORST smell EVER.

Graduation

Friday, my baby graduated from preschool. Before I had kids, I thought preschool graduations were ridiculous, but now I totally see the significance. Preschool is the end of babyhood, leaving preschool to move on to elementary school is a huge step. There was a whole other element for me on this day as well, graduation means we will be distanced from a group of friends we have been so close to for three years.

My middle son, Jordan, also went to this preschool in 2007-8. I fell in love with the staff, the location, and the awesome families that attended there.


Every morning, we sat on the fabulous playground and greeted other families as they arrived for school. Almost every afternoon, the mommies had a chance to sit and talk while the kids ran wild on the playground. After three years, many of us became so close.

I can't imagine, next year, just dropping all three kids off on the school ramp and pulling away. Not knowing all his friends, their families, and the teacher so well, will be a huge adjustment.

Isaiah, is more than ready for this jump. He is smart, friendly, and confident. I KNOW he will thrive in kindergarten. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the one not ready. Not ready to have him (or any of my boys) grow up even more.

Follow Up

The feeling of dread hit me on Thursday night, on Friday afternoon I was going to have to visit the doctor I swore I would never see again for my post op follow up. I was just SURE he was going to push an IUD, birth control, or worse a tubal on me.

I was pleasantly shocked, though.

Not only did he not recommend birth control, he said he admired our tenacity to continue to try. He said that the scope they used during the d&c showed a perfectly healthy uterus, no scar tissue like his partner swore I had. He also said there is a great possibility, that I do have a clotting disorder and blood thinners of some kind could help us have a baby. He said he has complete faith we WILL have a baby.

I go to the high risk doctor for follow up in the next week sometime and he will run more extensive tests.

I left the ob office in tears, but not out of sadness like I expected. The man I never wanted to see again, gave me something I lost in the last two weeks, HOPE.

I am working on feeling better a little more day by day. I will be happy again. This is all so hard, I am not sure how/why we keep trudging through this, but we do, together.

On a side note, I am drowning in school work. I took a half term online class and it is kicking my ass.

Things I Am Thankful For

Since I have been such a dramatic Debbie Downer lately, I decided that writing out what I am thankful for might give me so perspective.

1. Neil (a.k.a hubby)- My best friend, who I happen to like to "snuggle" a lot. Which of course leads to all these pregnancies (see I do know what causes it). We have been through so much, being broke, infertility, three sons, finding out one has autism, losing another son, and now five other miscarriages. I can always count on him to be my rock.

2. My sons- There doesn't even need to be an explanation here, they are just fabulous.

3. Family- The slightly disastrous motley crew that we are, is awesome.

4. Having enough- While we might struggle sometimes, we have a roof over ours heads, two running cars, food, and even enough to have fun sometimes.

5. Living in Florida- I am pretty sure I would shrivel up and die without living near the beach and Disney.


6. Friends- The kind words and support the past few weeks have been overwhelming.

7. Edited to Add: My dearest sister, Mandy, who is so cool she makes the North Pole look like the Sahara desert. (at her suggestion, well actually her exact words :)

Meaning Well

If you hadn't guessed, I am struggling. Since, this blog is pretty much my only outlet for these feelings right now, it's not going to be a pretty place.

I have occasionally tweeted or posted an update on Facebook about my difficulty in dealing the past few days, only to be inundated with replies like, "Just enjoy your three boys", "Your life is complete without a baby", "It's just the hormones", and "Maybe you just aren't meant to have a baby"

I KNOW they mean well, I mean I hope they do, but those comments do not help.

I am well aware I am blessed with three healthy sons, they are fabulous. And I am very grateful to have them. But having them, does not make the pain of losing yet another baby any less difficult to take.

My life does not feel complete and how can any other person be in a place to decide that for me?

Yeah there are a shit ton of hormones involved, but they are not the only reason I am upset. I am grieving, I feel alone, I feel broken, I am angry, hormones are only a part of that.

And the last one, oh God the last one... Maybe I am not meant to have a baby. How the hell do I deal with that? Can I magically turn off the desire to have another baby?

I put off dealing with the emotional pain of this loss because dealing with the physical pain was just too much. Now that the physical is over, I have to deal.

Have to deal with not just loss, but all six of them. What they mean for my body, my mind, and my family. I feel like there is no hope for us to ever have another baby. Part of me wants to try again. The other part of me can't, just can't face this kind of pain again.

I was trying to feel normal today, but was blindsided again.

I go for my follow up on Friday, but I am not expecting any answers or help. The doctor seems content just to think I am just not meant to have more. Now I just need to find a way to feel that way too.

Scars

I don't remember much about the days and weeks after I lost Kai, besides pain. I remember I some how functioned most days, but it was not on any real level at all. I went off the deep end for a while, did things that could have ruined or ended my life. I was selfish, in horrible ways. I could not get past, the black hole that sucked me in further every day.

One of the many things I am still carrying from those months, is losing many friends during that time and the pain and confusion it caused. Later, I found out that they all spent time talking about how horrible I had become. Did I deserve it? Probably. Like I said I was not is a good place. When you stand in your kitchen with a knife to your wrists, while screaming at your poor husband, something ain't right. There are so many scars from that time.

When the dust settled and I got professional help. I had to access my life, I went back to school, to do something for me. I HAD to learn to let go of somethings/people. I transferred my obsession to school, determined to never see a B. Not really healthy either, but baby steps people.

As usual, I have gone off on a tangent here, back to the friendship and feelings.

Those scars are the deepest. Here I am dealing with loss number six. Six in three years. Though I have cried and bitched on here and Twitter, I still live in fear. Fear you all will reject me for being a selfish baby through all of this. I have not really told my true feelings to anyone in real life. I CAN'T. I tell everyone it's okay, I am okay. I accept condolences, with a simple thank you, because I can't share anymore. The flood gates might burst.

Even as I type this, I know, rationally, anyone who can't understand my emotions, isn't a real friend. I KNOW that. But I still can't.

But the problem is, as I feel my hormones crash again, I don't think I can go on this way either. I feel like a time bomb, ready to sob at a moments notice.

There will be more scars this time. You can't escape loss without them, any loss. This one is pretty big, besides the loss of another baby, one we planned to be snuggling at Christmas, there are deeper issues. Depending on the results of tests that are/ or will be run, there is a good chance our family of five will stay that size forever. There will always be a forth child missing. How do I handle that? How can I just keep saying thank you, with a sad fake ass smile and keep going? It's horrible, but I even feel bad reading the supportive comments (which don't get me wrong have SAVED me the past few weeks) because I feel like there is a limit on support and you all will grow tired of my pathetic state.

God, I am seriously screwed up.

My Personal Nightmare******Warning this post contains TMI and if you have a penis you might want to just close the page now*

I started spotting on Sunday and thought WHEW! It's almost over. God was I wrong.

On Tuesday night I started hemorrhaging and passing things that looked like they belong in a horror movie, the pain was rough, but I could take it. After over three hours of this, I started to feel flush and dizzy and freaked out. I called the Ob and he didn't call back for 72 mins, I timed him. He said I would be fine, as long as I didn't pass out, though that could be normal. Fortunately everything slowed down and I eventually went to bed.

The next morning I felt okay and figured the worst was over. WRONG again. As the day went on the cramps became worse and worse, so bad I couldn't stand. I went to ER and was taken right back to a room, the pain had my blood pressure through the roof. The intake nurse asked my pain on a 1-10 scale and I told her I was a 9. I figured SOMEONE would help me...but she vanished and never came back.

I know the ER is a busy place, so I waited. But the pain just became worse and worse, I started blacking out, had soaked though my gown and sheets and was sobbing. I called the nurses station twice but no one came to my room for 2 hours.

The doctor came in and took my information, I was pretty much incoherent by then, but I heard him say they were going to bring me pain meds and he would do a pelvic exam. Thirty minutes later he came in to do the pelvic exam and found fetal tissue trapped in my cervix. Since he was already there he removed it, but that entailed lots of pain. I was crying like a baby and I said, "at least a Tylenol would have been nice before this". He was upset and thought the nurses had given me the pain meds already!

He was going to send me home, but when he called my ob, he said he wanted an ultrasound done and said if there was more tissue, I needed a d&c right away. I finally was given something for the pain and went for the ultrasound. To my horror I hadn't even passed the sac.

There was a snag though, the on call ob refused to do a d&c for a blighted ovum.
Saying, I will pass the sac in 2-3 days, she also said I will continue to cramp badly and bleed until then.

They sent me home with 12 vicoden, sobbing.

Now for even more fun, the horrible pains are back. Some of you may recall I have had an ob issue, my old ob's will NOT see anyone with any high risks, I am all kinds of them (this is a malpractice ins issue), so they sent me to a high risk doc. I was not impressed with him, but I had no choice. The big problem now is the high risk doc does not do d&c's at all and no ob will take me on as a miscarriage if they had not seen me as a pregnant patient. So I had to call my old ob, who is a giant ass (read Kai's story to see part of why), and BEG them to see me and help me get through this. I am waiting for the nurses call back now.

This is the longest, most painful, crappiest miscarriage I have ever had. I am ready for it to be over, and I am sure everyone is ready to hear me stop bitching about it. Thanks for all the support the last few weeks. You all are wonderful.

This post was written while in pain and on meds, please forgive horrible grammar and spelling.

Wordless Wednesday:Spin

Weekend: Swimming and Animal Kingdom

On Saturday, we went swimming in my sister's community pool for the first time this year. I was thrilled to see, Jordan is still swimming pretty well. The kids spent over three hours in the water and we still has to drag them out when it was time to go! The sun and heat are really over powering this spring, even with applying SPF 50 sunscreen all day, we were all significantly darker now.




Not sure what we were thinking when we decided to go to Animal Kingdom yesterday, with a high of 91. Despite the heat we had a great time. The park was PACKED, but we managed to avoid most of the big crowds, and Noah handled the ones we were stuck in okay, he only screamed "SHIT" a few times. Sigh.

We went on the Kali River Rapids, the kids were thrilled, daddy and I are normally not down with the whole getting soaked thing, but yesterday it was welcomed!
After his recent growth spurt (he grew 3 inches since New Years), Isaiah insisted on checking if he was tall enough to ride Everest, but the poor dude is still .5in too short.

The Safari was awesome, as usual.