Graduation

Friday, my baby graduated from preschool. Before I had kids, I thought preschool graduations were ridiculous, but now I totally see the significance. Preschool is the end of babyhood, leaving preschool to move on to elementary school is a huge step. There was a whole other element for me on this day as well, graduation means we will be distanced from a group of friends we have been so close to for three years.

My middle son, Jordan, also went to this preschool in 2007-8. I fell in love with the staff, the location, and the awesome families that attended there.


Every morning, we sat on the fabulous playground and greeted other families as they arrived for school. Almost every afternoon, the mommies had a chance to sit and talk while the kids ran wild on the playground. After three years, many of us became so close.

I can't imagine, next year, just dropping all three kids off on the school ramp and pulling away. Not knowing all his friends, their families, and the teacher so well, will be a huge adjustment.

Isaiah, is more than ready for this jump. He is smart, friendly, and confident. I KNOW he will thrive in kindergarten. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the one not ready. Not ready to have him (or any of my boys) grow up even more.

Follow Up

The feeling of dread hit me on Thursday night, on Friday afternoon I was going to have to visit the doctor I swore I would never see again for my post op follow up. I was just SURE he was going to push an IUD, birth control, or worse a tubal on me.

I was pleasantly shocked, though.

Not only did he not recommend birth control, he said he admired our tenacity to continue to try. He said that the scope they used during the d&c showed a perfectly healthy uterus, no scar tissue like his partner swore I had. He also said there is a great possibility, that I do have a clotting disorder and blood thinners of some kind could help us have a baby. He said he has complete faith we WILL have a baby.

I go to the high risk doctor for follow up in the next week sometime and he will run more extensive tests.

I left the ob office in tears, but not out of sadness like I expected. The man I never wanted to see again, gave me something I lost in the last two weeks, HOPE.

I am working on feeling better a little more day by day. I will be happy again. This is all so hard, I am not sure how/why we keep trudging through this, but we do, together.

On a side note, I am drowning in school work. I took a half term online class and it is kicking my ass.

Things I Am Thankful For

Since I have been such a dramatic Debbie Downer lately, I decided that writing out what I am thankful for might give me so perspective.

1. Neil (a.k.a hubby)- My best friend, who I happen to like to "snuggle" a lot. Which of course leads to all these pregnancies (see I do know what causes it). We have been through so much, being broke, infertility, three sons, finding out one has autism, losing another son, and now five other miscarriages. I can always count on him to be my rock.

2. My sons- There doesn't even need to be an explanation here, they are just fabulous.

3. Family- The slightly disastrous motley crew that we are, is awesome.

4. Having enough- While we might struggle sometimes, we have a roof over ours heads, two running cars, food, and even enough to have fun sometimes.

5. Living in Florida- I am pretty sure I would shrivel up and die without living near the beach and Disney.


6. Friends- The kind words and support the past few weeks have been overwhelming.

7. Edited to Add: My dearest sister, Mandy, who is so cool she makes the North Pole look like the Sahara desert. (at her suggestion, well actually her exact words :)

Meaning Well

If you hadn't guessed, I am struggling. Since, this blog is pretty much my only outlet for these feelings right now, it's not going to be a pretty place.

I have occasionally tweeted or posted an update on Facebook about my difficulty in dealing the past few days, only to be inundated with replies like, "Just enjoy your three boys", "Your life is complete without a baby", "It's just the hormones", and "Maybe you just aren't meant to have a baby"

I KNOW they mean well, I mean I hope they do, but those comments do not help.

I am well aware I am blessed with three healthy sons, they are fabulous. And I am very grateful to have them. But having them, does not make the pain of losing yet another baby any less difficult to take.

My life does not feel complete and how can any other person be in a place to decide that for me?

Yeah there are a shit ton of hormones involved, but they are not the only reason I am upset. I am grieving, I feel alone, I feel broken, I am angry, hormones are only a part of that.

And the last one, oh God the last one... Maybe I am not meant to have a baby. How the hell do I deal with that? Can I magically turn off the desire to have another baby?

I put off dealing with the emotional pain of this loss because dealing with the physical pain was just too much. Now that the physical is over, I have to deal.

Have to deal with not just loss, but all six of them. What they mean for my body, my mind, and my family. I feel like there is no hope for us to ever have another baby. Part of me wants to try again. The other part of me can't, just can't face this kind of pain again.

I was trying to feel normal today, but was blindsided again.

I go for my follow up on Friday, but I am not expecting any answers or help. The doctor seems content just to think I am just not meant to have more. Now I just need to find a way to feel that way too.

Scars

I don't remember much about the days and weeks after I lost Kai, besides pain. I remember I some how functioned most days, but it was not on any real level at all. I went off the deep end for a while, did things that could have ruined or ended my life. I was selfish, in horrible ways. I could not get past, the black hole that sucked me in further every day.

One of the many things I am still carrying from those months, is losing many friends during that time and the pain and confusion it caused. Later, I found out that they all spent time talking about how horrible I had become. Did I deserve it? Probably. Like I said I was not is a good place. When you stand in your kitchen with a knife to your wrists, while screaming at your poor husband, something ain't right. There are so many scars from that time.

When the dust settled and I got professional help. I had to access my life, I went back to school, to do something for me. I HAD to learn to let go of somethings/people. I transferred my obsession to school, determined to never see a B. Not really healthy either, but baby steps people.

As usual, I have gone off on a tangent here, back to the friendship and feelings.

Those scars are the deepest. Here I am dealing with loss number six. Six in three years. Though I have cried and bitched on here and Twitter, I still live in fear. Fear you all will reject me for being a selfish baby through all of this. I have not really told my true feelings to anyone in real life. I CAN'T. I tell everyone it's okay, I am okay. I accept condolences, with a simple thank you, because I can't share anymore. The flood gates might burst.

Even as I type this, I know, rationally, anyone who can't understand my emotions, isn't a real friend. I KNOW that. But I still can't.

But the problem is, as I feel my hormones crash again, I don't think I can go on this way either. I feel like a time bomb, ready to sob at a moments notice.

There will be more scars this time. You can't escape loss without them, any loss. This one is pretty big, besides the loss of another baby, one we planned to be snuggling at Christmas, there are deeper issues. Depending on the results of tests that are/ or will be run, there is a good chance our family of five will stay that size forever. There will always be a forth child missing. How do I handle that? How can I just keep saying thank you, with a sad fake ass smile and keep going? It's horrible, but I even feel bad reading the supportive comments (which don't get me wrong have SAVED me the past few weeks) because I feel like there is a limit on support and you all will grow tired of my pathetic state.

God, I am seriously screwed up.

My Personal Nightmare******Warning this post contains TMI and if you have a penis you might want to just close the page now*

I started spotting on Sunday and thought WHEW! It's almost over. God was I wrong.

On Tuesday night I started hemorrhaging and passing things that looked like they belong in a horror movie, the pain was rough, but I could take it. After over three hours of this, I started to feel flush and dizzy and freaked out. I called the Ob and he didn't call back for 72 mins, I timed him. He said I would be fine, as long as I didn't pass out, though that could be normal. Fortunately everything slowed down and I eventually went to bed.

The next morning I felt okay and figured the worst was over. WRONG again. As the day went on the cramps became worse and worse, so bad I couldn't stand. I went to ER and was taken right back to a room, the pain had my blood pressure through the roof. The intake nurse asked my pain on a 1-10 scale and I told her I was a 9. I figured SOMEONE would help me...but she vanished and never came back.

I know the ER is a busy place, so I waited. But the pain just became worse and worse, I started blacking out, had soaked though my gown and sheets and was sobbing. I called the nurses station twice but no one came to my room for 2 hours.

The doctor came in and took my information, I was pretty much incoherent by then, but I heard him say they were going to bring me pain meds and he would do a pelvic exam. Thirty minutes later he came in to do the pelvic exam and found fetal tissue trapped in my cervix. Since he was already there he removed it, but that entailed lots of pain. I was crying like a baby and I said, "at least a Tylenol would have been nice before this". He was upset and thought the nurses had given me the pain meds already!

He was going to send me home, but when he called my ob, he said he wanted an ultrasound done and said if there was more tissue, I needed a d&c right away. I finally was given something for the pain and went for the ultrasound. To my horror I hadn't even passed the sac.

There was a snag though, the on call ob refused to do a d&c for a blighted ovum.
Saying, I will pass the sac in 2-3 days, she also said I will continue to cramp badly and bleed until then.

They sent me home with 12 vicoden, sobbing.

Now for even more fun, the horrible pains are back. Some of you may recall I have had an ob issue, my old ob's will NOT see anyone with any high risks, I am all kinds of them (this is a malpractice ins issue), so they sent me to a high risk doc. I was not impressed with him, but I had no choice. The big problem now is the high risk doc does not do d&c's at all and no ob will take me on as a miscarriage if they had not seen me as a pregnant patient. So I had to call my old ob, who is a giant ass (read Kai's story to see part of why), and BEG them to see me and help me get through this. I am waiting for the nurses call back now.

This is the longest, most painful, crappiest miscarriage I have ever had. I am ready for it to be over, and I am sure everyone is ready to hear me stop bitching about it. Thanks for all the support the last few weeks. You all are wonderful.

This post was written while in pain and on meds, please forgive horrible grammar and spelling.

Wordless Wednesday:Spin