Thursday, February 24, 2011


Though I just don't think that word is even enough. I have spent most of today crying, but not for the reason I had braced myself for...

I was a wreck this morning. I couldn't eat, I was shaking. When the ultrasound tech called me back, I was oddly calm, ready to hear the worst. I went over my history with the tech and she looked a little grim. Then she frozen and said, "I see a flicker!!! Don't breathe for a second I am going to magnify." And sure enough there it was a heartbeat. One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

It turned out I am about a week less then I thought, it doesn't surprise me because I have long cycles. Also the next ultrasound may adjust that date, because I was so early, it was hard to get a good view. For right now, the baby's size and heart rate matched up pretty well. She said s/he is implanted in a great spot and looks like a healthy early pregnancy.

I may have cried on the table, which is a little awkward with that whole ultrasound probe thingy inserted. The tech got choked up too. She said she really didn't want to start off her day with bad news and was relieved. Me too lady, me too. Then I broke down in an almost full ugly cry when I went to check out. The appointment secretary at this office is so sweet. When I showed her the pic and she squealed with me and got teary eyed. I made my first full ob appointment in 4 years and pretty much fell apart. In the happiest way possible.

Meet our little pumpkin!
Due 10/22.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Why I Don't Keep Pregnancy a Secret

No it's not because I am a needy attention whore. Entirely.

I know that for many it is standard to not share the news of a pregnancy until you are past the 12 week mark, I have never been one to do that, even before the losses. Mostly because I have a big mouth...

After losing Kai, I know that getting to 12 weeks doesn't promise a baby. I also know that no good comes from suffering through a loss alone. At least for me it doesn't. Everyone deals in their own way and if not telling works for you, I fully understand your choice.

After six losses and a debilitating anxiety disorder, I need the support. I don't think I would survive going through it alone. Nothing is more awkward than trying to explain WHY you are having a sudden mental breakdown... "Well I was pregnant, but now I am having a miscarriage..."

The biggest reason is, I LOATHE the taboo that is put on women in talking about loss and miscarriage. Society seems to think that this should be a secret burden for women to bear. I couldn't disagree more. By making it a secret, we make it dirty, like some how we are at fault. Secondly we feel alone, like some thing is wrong with us and that since no one is talking about it, no one else is going through it. Lastly, we are made to think that by sharing our pain, we burden those around us. Someone who loves you, will support you and be there for you through the loss and never make you feel guilty for sharing your pain.

I can't tell how many times I have posted on twitter, facebook, or this blog about my many losses, and received emails from friends saying they just lost a baby, were going through a potential loss, or had in the past. Friends I talk to everyday and had no idea they were hurting in that way. Had I, I would have been there for them as much as I could be, even if it meant only saying, "I am sorry for your loss".

So yes I tell and I share the ups and downs. Not just because I need the support, God knows I have used up some of that with the six losses, but because I know that there is a woman sitting in her house crying alone right now, because she told no one about the child she lost. I want them to know, I have been there. I survived (kinda) and they will too. That their child is loved, even if I never laid eyes on them.

Like I said, if you are someone who firmly believes in waiting to share the news, good or bad, I understand. I just am not going to be the person to do it.

*** edited to add: I realized that this post focused more on the sad side of sharing pregnancy news early, which is because it's all I have known for the past four years (up til now). The fact is that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, which means 3 of 4 result in healthy babies. That is two times better odds than the average marriage lasting! Do we not tell our family and friends we got married, because the odds are against it lasting? That would be crazy! So not only is talking about early pregnancy about sharing pain and fear, it is about sharing joy as well.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Rant (having nothing to do with being crazy or pregnant)

So I stumble across this Rolling Stone article tease yesterday, featuring Justin Beiber.

Unlike most adults, I think he is cute, in a I want to pinch your cheeks kinda way, and he has some actually musical talent, but that is irrelevant. I knew just from the little snippet he was going to catch hell for it.

In the story he is asked questions regarding premarital sex, abortion, and whether he wants to be a US citizen. He answers candidly, openly, and well... like a kid. BECAUSE he is a damn kid. Why the hell is a reputable magazine asking a minor these questions?

Not very many 16 yo's have a firm stance on abortion, unless it was passed down from their parents, and then it's not really their own anyway.

I think there was nothing wrong with his sex before marriage answer either, dude don't paint yourself into the Britney virgin box, and have it come back to bite your ass.

What is shockingly getting the most flack was his lack of desire to be an American. Why the hell should he?? He is proud of his Canadian back round, most Canadian's I know are... quite honestly Americans need to wake up and look at the way the rest of the world sees us. America is no longer the dream country, that everyone wants to live in.

Also the comment about the health care... spot on. Some are bashing him for not providing his body guard with better heath insurance. UM DUH. Even with good health insurance a preemie can cost ten's of thousands just in co-pays and premiums.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Roller Coaster

Friday we were just starting to let it sink in that we were having a baby, maybe. I got great lab results and a everything was looking good. Sunday it all came crashing down. After what should have been a one hour trip to the lab turned into three( the accidentally canceled my test/results, had to find my blood again, rush to run test) I found out my numbers were barely moving up. I was crushed, but had to come home and hold it together because Jordan's Birthday party started just minutes later.
Come Monday I called Ob. They never got Sunday's lab results and couldnt get them from the hospital, so I drove to the office and gave them the copy I had.
The nurse thought something was off and sent me for a third test.
The results were amazing! Not only had my numbers doubled from Sunday, but were almost FIVE times as high and a perfect doubling every 48 hours from Friday's test.
So for right now we are back on track.
I have an ultrasound next Thursday, where if we see a heartbeat, will be the first time in the last five pregnancies, and a REALLY awesome sign.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I don't even know what to say....

Remember that I posted that the new meds had uh..upped my sex drive? Apparently too much. Because guess what?

I am pregnant.


Let that sink in a minute, cause it sure has NOT sunk in with me.

We were not trying. We were HAPPY. I was finally feeling good. Don't get me wrong, every fiber of my being wants this baby. I am just so damn scared. I have to wean off some of my meds, which is okay. It's a small price to pay for the potential to have a healthy baby. But I am worried about handling the stress without them.

The odds are against me. Six losses in four years. No answers from doctors or tests.

I can't get my hopes up. People keep telling me to have faith, to think positive, that this time it will be different...but if I let myself have those thoughts, how much more crushing will the loss be?

I debated posting this, even as I type it, I am not sure when I will. But this blog has never been about the happy shiny side of me.

Was it smart to get pregnant a month after a nervous breakdown? Hell no. Was this planned? Hell no. But if somehow, I manage to carry this baby to term and have another child I will be over the moon.

If this pregnancy ends like the last six, I will have to scrape the pieces of me that are left back together again. AGAIN. And I will because I have to.

Also apparently we will need to try to figure out how the hell birth control works.

**edited to add, not get the best feeling about how this is going, wont know for sure til next week.