Friday, July 30, 2010

Good Calming Vibes Please

I went to the mental health clinic today.

I dug in deep all week, telling myself I just had to get through today.

I was wrong. I only saw a counselor to discuss my anxiety, who, once again, determined I have anxiety problems. No shit, REALLY?

So I get to see an actual doctor on September 2nd.

That is a really long time for someone who has been in a constant state of panic for more than a month.

I have no choice, I have to keep battling through.

Monday morning is my appointment with the surgeon. I don't really know what to expect. He may look at my scans and say no further action is needed (please let him say this), he may want to aspirate a small cyst I have, or he could decide to surgically remove my ducts and send them for pathology.

Like I said before my scans were both good. No signs of cancer. But the panic attack disorder won't let me stop fearing and obsessing over the worst.

I obsessively, keep reading message boards with people with who have had the same symptoms I have and later found out it was cancer. I KNOW those are the rare cases, and DUH when you read CANCER message boards, you will find the people who have CANCER.

I am trying to remain calm and think of the best. Something panic attack disorders make very very difficult.

Since I can't get any meds,can you please send me calming vibes and prayers, that I make it through this weekend panic attack free and that the doctor says there is no cancer. Thank you all for the support and love over the past few months.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Movin on...


Well kinda... laterally.

We were given an opportunity to move to a slightly larger house for less money. And we are taking it. The house we have lived in for years, we were not allowed to paint the walls anything but flat off white. Our last two places were the same. We have NEVER been allowed to paint the walls colors. In this house we are! I am going to have a color orgasm. Then there is the issue with the mold.

Our new doggy is welcome there and it has a HUGE yard.

So if I am posting even less than usual, I will be packing, painting, and fretting.

On a semi related note, I am finally getting some help for my out of control anxiety. I have an appointment on Friday. I have been battling for four years med free, since we were trying have a baby. We have decided to STOP trying. I am not sure we will ever try again, but for now, I am done. So med city here I come.

The miscarriage, the cancer scare, the move are all overwhelming me. I have spent most days crippled by the racing heart, cold sweats, and paralyzing fear.

It's time to stop just treading water and feel GOOD again.

We are hoping that a new house will mean a fresh start. We are leaving the pain and loss in that happened in the four years in this house, behind.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

We knew a new dog would bring adventures but...

Not this many, this fast.

Poor sweet Milo started out his day with death threats from the cat.
Don't let her sweet kitty looks fool you, she will cut a bitch. Just ask anyone who has tried to visit our house.

He was a very good sport about camping with the boys.

He went to the vet for his first shots and did fantastic. He is a healthy 25 lbs, perfect for his breed and age, apparently they are supposed to be on the thin side.
We were told repeatedly how pretty he was.

When we got home he was running around the yard with the boys after going potty, and stepped on glass left behind by the asshat window guy. He nearly sliced one of the pads of his foot off. It was bleeding pretty badly and I was worried about infection. So we went to the emergency vet. Five hours, almost $500, and tears later we came home sedated and stitched up. He has to wear a cone for 10-14 days, take antibiotics, and pain pills but he will be fine. Thank goodness.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Meet Milo

Jordan has had tennis ball in his room for a year, just in case we were able to get a puppy.
When my sister adopted a puppy a few weeks ago, Noah said,"Mandy, doggies make my heart happy".
Isaiah seeks out every dog he can find, and asked if we could steal my dad's dog Inky.
We decided it was time to move for many reasons, but being able to get a dog was up on the list.
I have been patrolling the pound, rescues and craigslist for weeks. Two days ago, I placed a wanted ad for a lab or lab mix puppy and got a reply last night. A sweet guy who had adopted 2 puppies, then lost his job, started a home business all in the span of weeks. His house was full of employees and the pups were having to be locked up a lot. And he is barely getting by, so he was having to ration the pups food. :(
He decided that they deserved more and offered one or both of them to me.
We went to meet them this morning, and quickly fell in love with one of them. I would have loved to take both, but I can't imagine feeding two big dogs!
We had an eventful ride home, the puppy POOPED in the car. Luckily it was on a something that was easily dumped and rinsed. Turns out he had only been in the car once and he was scared.
Boy it's hard to catch a pic of three little boys and a hyper puppy! This one is a bit blurry because Noah was rubbing his face on the puppy.
He is a typical lab, he LOVES the water. He tries to swim in his water bowl and when you turn on the hose he comes running.
He is part black lab and part chocolate lab, his coat is the color of dark chocolate. He is 14 weeks old and way to skinny for his age. I am still working out how much and when to feed him, he is SO hungry, but I don't want to make him sick.
He knows sit and stay. He doesn't cross a door unless you tell him it is okay. He isn't totally housebroken, but he is doing pretty good.
Our *cough*sweet*cough* kitty is NOT happy, she is currently glaring at me down the hallway. I am guessing I will be kitty shanked in my sleep.
The boys, oof. The are so happy it made me cry more than once today. Hubs and I are pretty smitten too. He is just SO sweet. Let's see how our first night of crate training goes!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Roller Coaster

I have been trying to write this all day and have had a hard time, because every time I think of the last week, my heart races again.

I noticed a little speck of blood and wondered where the heck it had come from, I squeezed and more came out. It was late at night and I fell asleep and forgot all about it until the next afternoon. When I squeezed again and again there was more blood. I began to worry and hit the internet for good ol Dr. Google, STUPID STUPID STUPID idea. Because what is the first thing that comes up for bloody breast discharge?


I called my ob, who made me an appointment for the next morning. I may have mentioned before that I have a panic attack disorder. One, that because we have been trying to have a baby, I have not been taking medication for... By 5pm my heart was racing so bad I couldn't breathe. I ended up at the ER with a pulse of 150 and a blood pressure that was terrifying. They kept me there til it was lower, but sent me home pill free.

I made it to the ob's office the next morning, where she did little to calm my nerves. She said she had never seen it before in a non nursing mom and that yes it is a sign of cancer.

I kept telling myself my risk factors are low; no family history of any cancer, my age, I started puberty after 12, had my first child in my early 20's, breast fed, ect...

I was fast tracked for a mammogram/ultrasound for the next morning. My panic continued to spiral out of control.

The mammogram was not as bad as I thought. Embarrassing as hell, seeing as my breasts are SO big they didn't fit on the tray and had to be done in sections. The tech told me that large breasted women have less pain during the mammogram. She didn't mention that after you feel like your boobs were run over by a semi. I was actually calm through the mammogram, I knew they would see little on it because of my dense breasts.

After waiting another hour, I was taken in for the ultrasound. All I can say is you haven't lived until you get smacked in the face with your own ultrasound goop covered boob. Really.

This tech was not at all chatty or friendly and kept looking over the same spots over and over. I could see her measuring something and I was scared to death. At the end, she told me to sit up, but then came back and said I need to look again. MORE WORRY. After rechecking, she said she had to get the doctor. FULL ON FUCKING PANIC. I was crying and dry heaving the ten minutes I was left alone in the room.

Then suddenly, rather cheerfully she came back in the room and said I could get dressed. Shaking like a leaf I tried as best I could to de-goop my breasts and get dressed. I sat in a waiting room. Within seconds I was called again.

The nurse in the hall told me I was fine and free to go. I stared at her, confused, she handed me a slip of paper with boxes on it

Negative/NO Cancer
Probably Benign
Need follow up possible cancer
Need MRI
and a few other I can't remember...

Because mine had NEGATIVE NO CANCER checked.

I started to sob. The poor nurse was not phased. I am sure this is a normal thing in her business. For the good or bad.

She explained what is going on with me is still NOT normal. I will have to have more tests and possibly surgery, but from their tests there was no cancer. The most likely candidates for the problem are a papilloma, hormonal issues from the miscarriage, and maybe possible thyroid issues. My ob will get the full report this week and make more recommendations. I am not thrilled at the prospect of surgery or anything of the things that may be wrong. But I will take any of those things in a heartbeat, over cancer.

I asked a friend later that day, if it was possible they could tell me that and be concerned there was actually cancer. She reassured me they tend to be overly cautious about those things. But the panic attack freak in me, has a hard time coming to grips with that.

I feel so very thankful.

And so tired. After the painful and draining miscarriage and this scary week. I feel like flat tire.

I have decided to give my body a break. I am debating actually going on birth control, something I have never done in the 13 years I have been with my hubby. But we both need a break. I just want to BE. To feel at peace, to lose some weight and FEEL GOOD again. I want to be a good mom to my sons. A good wife to my husband.

To just breathe.

I can't thank you all enough. My friends and family on twitter, facebook, in "real" life were a life raft for me. AGAIN.

damn I am needy.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Empty Bassinet


The pretty blue bassinet that I adored when Isaiah was a baby sits in my living room, freshly washed and ready for a new baby.

It had been sitting in our closet for going on four years, a constant reminder of my failure.

We moved it to this house so we would have it for the next baby. We never had any problems having the three boys, we just assumed in two years another baby would come along. And our plan went pretty well, Isaiah would have been 2 years 3 months when Kai was due.

As you know, our plans were destroyed when we lost Kai.

Still I held on to the bassinet, with faith that one day there would be a baby for us. Four years and six miscarriages later, there is no baby.

I can't bring myself to bring it to the new house and stare at it for four more years, empty and gathering dust.

Moving to a new house gives us a fresh start.

No more reminders of all the pain we have faced in the years we have lived here. Well can't exactly say NO reminders, we still have Kai's ashes. I can't even begin to contemplate what I should do with them. I can't bare the thought of parting with them, yet knowing my son's final resting place is a cardboard box doesn't feel right either.

Not that I want to, or ever could forget. I just can't take seeing the empty bassinet every time I open the closet door.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

4th of July: Not the way we planned

I had PLANNED a beautiful post filled with awesome fireworks pictures.

Since it had been raining for FOUR freaking days, we were rightfully worried about the weather. Around noon, we knew for sure our plans of going to the town fireworks display would not be happening. So in a mad scramble, I threw together a meal and grabbed some home fireworks.

And it rained. And rained.

And rained.

We tried to shoot the fireworks in the rain. I tried to take pictures in the rain...
Not as great as I hoped, but we had a pretty good time.
We still have plenty more fireworks to shoot off, hopefully this weekend.