Sunday, May 30, 2010

Graduation

Friday, my baby graduated from preschool. Before I had kids, I thought preschool graduations were ridiculous, but now I totally see the significance. Preschool is the end of babyhood, leaving preschool to move on to elementary school is a huge step. There was a whole other element for me on this day as well, graduation means we will be distanced from a group of friends we have been so close to for three years.

My middle son, Jordan, also went to this preschool in 2007-8. I fell in love with the staff, the location, and the awesome families that attended there.


Every morning, we sat on the fabulous playground and greeted other families as they arrived for school. Almost every afternoon, the mommies had a chance to sit and talk while the kids ran wild on the playground. After three years, many of us became so close.

I can't imagine, next year, just dropping all three kids off on the school ramp and pulling away. Not knowing all his friends, their families, and the teacher so well, will be a huge adjustment.

Isaiah, is more than ready for this jump. He is smart, friendly, and confident. I KNOW he will thrive in kindergarten. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the one not ready. Not ready to have him (or any of my boys) grow up even more.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Follow Up

The feeling of dread hit me on Thursday night, on Friday afternoon I was going to have to visit the doctor I swore I would never see again for my post op follow up. I was just SURE he was going to push an IUD, birth control, or worse a tubal on me.

I was pleasantly shocked, though.

Not only did he not recommend birth control, he said he admired our tenacity to continue to try. He said that the scope they used during the d&c showed a perfectly healthy uterus, no scar tissue like his partner swore I had. He also said there is a great possibility, that I do have a clotting disorder and blood thinners of some kind could help us have a baby. He said he has complete faith we WILL have a baby.

I go to the high risk doctor for follow up in the next week sometime and he will run more extensive tests.

I left the ob office in tears, but not out of sadness like I expected. The man I never wanted to see again, gave me something I lost in the last two weeks, HOPE.

I am working on feeling better a little more day by day. I will be happy again. This is all so hard, I am not sure how/why we keep trudging through this, but we do, together.

On a side note, I am drowning in school work. I took a half term online class and it is kicking my ass.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Things I Am Thankful For

Since I have been such a dramatic Debbie Downer lately, I decided that writing out what I am thankful for might give me so perspective.

1. Neil (a.k.a hubby)- My best friend, who I happen to like to "snuggle" a lot. Which of course leads to all these pregnancies (see I do know what causes it). We have been through so much, being broke, infertility, three sons, finding out one has autism, losing another son, and now five other miscarriages. I can always count on him to be my rock.
The Hubs
2. My sons- There doesn't even need to be an explanation here, they are just fabulous.

3. Family- The slightly disastrous motley crew that we are, is awesome.

4. Having enough- While we might struggle sometimes, we have a roof over ours heads, two running cars, food, and even enough to have fun sometimes.

5. Living in Florida- I am pretty sure I would shrivel up and die without living near the beach and Disney.
Wishes
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6. Friends- The kind words and support the past few weeks have been overwhelming.

7. Edited to Add: My dearest sister, Mandy, who is so cool she makes the North Pole look like the Sahara desert. (at her suggestion, well actually her exact words :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Meaning Well

If you hadn't guessed, I am struggling. Since, this blog is pretty much my only outlet for these feelings right now, it's not going to be a pretty place.

I have occasionally tweeted or posted an update on Facebook about my difficulty in dealing the past few days, only to be inundated with replies like, "Just enjoy your three boys", "Your life is complete without a baby", "It's just the hormones", and "Maybe you just aren't meant to have a baby"

I KNOW they mean well, I mean I hope they do, but those comments do not help.

I am well aware I am blessed with three healthy sons, they are fabulous. And I am very grateful to have them. But having them, does not make the pain of losing yet another baby any less difficult to take.

My life does not feel complete and how can any other person be in a place to decide that for me?

Yeah there are a shit ton of hormones involved, but they are not the only reason I am upset. I am grieving, I feel alone, I feel broken, I am angry, hormones are only a part of that.

And the last one, oh God the last one... Maybe I am not meant to have a baby. How the hell do I deal with that? Can I magically turn off the desire to have another baby?

I put off dealing with the emotional pain of this loss because dealing with the physical pain was just too much. Now that the physical is over, I have to deal.

Have to deal with not just loss, but all six of them. What they mean for my body, my mind, and my family. I feel like there is no hope for us to ever have another baby. Part of me wants to try again. The other part of me can't, just can't face this kind of pain again.

I was trying to feel normal today, but was blindsided again.

I go for my follow up on Friday, but I am not expecting any answers or help. The doctor seems content just to think I am just not meant to have more. Now I just need to find a way to feel that way too.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Scars

I don't remember much about the days and weeks after I lost Kai, besides pain. I remember I some how functioned most days, but it was not on any real level at all. I went off the deep end for a while, did things that could have ruined or ended my life. I was selfish, in horrible ways. I could not get past, the black hole that sucked me in further every day.

One of the many things I am still carrying from those months, is losing many friends during that time and the pain and confusion it caused. Later, I found out that they all spent time talking about how horrible I had become. Did I deserve it? Probably. Like I said I was not is a good place. When you stand in your kitchen with a knife to your wrists, while screaming at your poor husband, something ain't right. There are so many scars from that time.

When the dust settled and I got professional help. I had to access my life, I went back to school, to do something for me. I HAD to learn to let go of somethings/people. I transferred my obsession to school, determined to never see a B. Not really healthy either, but baby steps people.

As usual, I have gone off on a tangent here, back to the friendship and feelings.

Those scars are the deepest. Here I am dealing with loss number six. Six in three years. Though I have cried and bitched on here and Twitter, I still live in fear. Fear you all will reject me for being a selfish baby through all of this. I have not really told my true feelings to anyone in real life. I CAN'T. I tell everyone it's okay, I am okay. I accept condolences, with a simple thank you, because I can't share anymore. The flood gates might burst.

Even as I type this, I know, rationally, anyone who can't understand my emotions, isn't a real friend. I KNOW that. But I still can't.

But the problem is, as I feel my hormones crash again, I don't think I can go on this way either. I feel like a time bomb, ready to sob at a moments notice.

There will be more scars this time. You can't escape loss without them, any loss. This one is pretty big, besides the loss of another baby, one we planned to be snuggling at Christmas, there are deeper issues. Depending on the results of tests that are/ or will be run, there is a good chance our family of five will stay that size forever. There will always be a forth child missing. How do I handle that? How can I just keep saying thank you, with a sad fake ass smile and keep going? It's horrible, but I even feel bad reading the supportive comments (which don't get me wrong have SAVED me the past few weeks) because I feel like there is a limit on support and you all will grow tired of my pathetic state.

God, I am seriously screwed up.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Personal Nightmare******Warning this post contains TMI and if you have a penis you might want to just close the page now*

I started spotting on Sunday and thought WHEW! It's almost over. God was I wrong.

On Tuesday night I started hemorrhaging and passing things that looked like they belong in a horror movie, the pain was rough, but I could take it. After over three hours of this, I started to feel flush and dizzy and freaked out. I called the Ob and he didn't call back for 72 mins, I timed him. He said I would be fine, as long as I didn't pass out, though that could be normal. Fortunately everything slowed down and I eventually went to bed.

The next morning I felt okay and figured the worst was over. WRONG again. As the day went on the cramps became worse and worse, so bad I couldn't stand. I went to ER and was taken right back to a room, the pain had my blood pressure through the roof. The intake nurse asked my pain on a 1-10 scale and I told her I was a 9. I figured SOMEONE would help me...but she vanished and never came back.

I know the ER is a busy place, so I waited. But the pain just became worse and worse, I started blacking out, had soaked though my gown and sheets and was sobbing. I called the nurses station twice but no one came to my room for 2 hours.

The doctor came in and took my information, I was pretty much incoherent by then, but I heard him say they were going to bring me pain meds and he would do a pelvic exam. Thirty minutes later he came in to do the pelvic exam and found fetal tissue trapped in my cervix. Since he was already there he removed it, but that entailed lots of pain. I was crying like a baby and I said, "at least a Tylenol would have been nice before this". He was upset and thought the nurses had given me the pain meds already!

He was going to send me home, but when he called my ob, he said he wanted an ultrasound done and said if there was more tissue, I needed a d&c right away. I finally was given something for the pain and went for the ultrasound. To my horror I hadn't even passed the sac.

There was a snag though, the on call ob refused to do a d&c for a blighted ovum.
Saying, I will pass the sac in 2-3 days, she also said I will continue to cramp badly and bleed until then.

They sent me home with 12 vicoden, sobbing.

Now for even more fun, the horrible pains are back. Some of you may recall I have had an ob issue, my old ob's will NOT see anyone with any high risks, I am all kinds of them (this is a malpractice ins issue), so they sent me to a high risk doc. I was not impressed with him, but I had no choice. The big problem now is the high risk doc does not do d&c's at all and no ob will take me on as a miscarriage if they had not seen me as a pregnant patient. So I had to call my old ob, who is a giant ass (read Kai's story to see part of why), and BEG them to see me and help me get through this. I am waiting for the nurses call back now.

This is the longest, most painful, crappiest miscarriage I have ever had. I am ready for it to be over, and I am sure everyone is ready to hear me stop bitching about it. Thanks for all the support the last few weeks. You all are wonderful.

This post was written while in pain and on meds, please forgive horrible grammar and spelling.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

Weekend: Swimming and Animal Kingdom

On Saturday, we went swimming in my sister's community pool for the first time this year. I was thrilled to see, Jordan is still swimming pretty well. The kids spent over three hours in the water and we still has to drag them out when it was time to go! The sun and heat are really over powering this spring, even with applying SPF 50 sunscreen all day, we were all significantly darker now.
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Not sure what we were thinking when we decided to go to Animal Kingdom yesterday, with a high of 91. Despite the heat we had a great time. The park was PACKED, but we managed to avoid most of the big crowds, and Noah handled the ones we were stuck in okay, he only screamed "SHIT" a few times. Sigh.

We went on the Kali River Rapids, the kids were thrilled, daddy and I are normally not down with the whole getting soaked thing, but yesterday it was welcomed!
After his recent growth spurt (he grew 3 inches since New Years), Isaiah insisted on checking if he was tall enough to ride Everest, but the poor dude is still .5in too short.

The Safari was awesome, as usual.
Calves
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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Disney and Special Needs

A little while back I did a guest post (my first ever!!) over at Theme Park Mom about our experiences in taking a child with autism to the Disney Parks. I was very proud of the post and was thrilled to spread the message to other special needs parents.

The help Disney provides is not just for Autism and like issues. Recently a friend, who has child with food allergies, went to Magic Kingdom. The staff went out of their way to make sure her food was safe. I have witnessed on many occasions, the head chef of a restaurant come from the back to speak directly with guests about how to prepare food in the safest manner.

You would think in with a business as big as Disney, millions of people constantly visiting, they would not be able to take the time to make sure each special need is taken care of, but they manage to every visit (and we go a lot!)

If you are planning a trip to the parks with a special need of any kind, take the time to visit a guest relations center and talk to them about the best options for you to have a great visit.

**I was not paid or compensated in any way for this or any Disney post I do.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Limbo...a little longer

Many of you have read my broken twitter stream today and half explanation of my doctors appointment. I really didn't care for the new doctor at all, but that is besides the point.

I had a another ultrasound, it showed a slightly larger sac than the one I had nine days ago. Unfortunately, there was still no baby. Which by seven plus weeks SHOULD be there.

I was fully expecting the doctor to confirm a blighted ovum and move on with treatment, but he did not. He said as long as my levels rise at all and there is a sac, he will not be willing to say it is not viable until 9-10 weeks.

I nearly crumbled. I CAN NOT deal with the hormones for two more weeks, knowing there is no baby.

The doctor did not listen to me, AT ALL. Not about my history, my concerns about a clotting disorder, or the math just not adding up with this pregnancy. I get that he is trying to be optimistic and that many women need that, but this is not my first,second,thirdforthfifth loss. I don't need happy thoughts, I need the damn truth.

I went to the lab and for yet another hcg test, my levels went from 1050 nine days ago to 3557, they should be between 20-60k. I go back for another draw on Friday. Then for another ultrasound in TWO FREAKING WEEKS. Two more weeks in limbo.

The doctor also wants me to start a higher dose of progesterone, which seems like a mute point to me. Also chemical torture. It makes me miserable and will stop my body from naturally miscarrying.

I know I sound pessimistic, but the truth is I know too much. I KNOW there is no hope. So what do I do? Do I continue to live like I am pregnant and take the progesterone, building false hope? Or do I just let it go and wait it out until the doctor concedes the pregnancy is not viable?

I feel beaten. Tired, angry, sad, beaten.

Thank you all so much for supporting me and putting up with my nonstop whining. I adore you all.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Snow Cone Syrup Recipe

I posted, that I made this yesterday and several people asked for the recipe. It is the easiest thing I have ever made!

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Easy Snow Cone Syrup
2 cups sugar
1 cup water

1 or 2 packets of Koolaid

Bring water and sugar to a rolling boil, let boil one minute. It should reach 230F, the stage for simple syrup. If you don't have a candy thermometer, just eye it. After a minute boiling the sugar should be totally dissolved.

Remove from heat and whisk in the koolaid packet(s).

Let cool.

I poured mine into empty squeeze bottles. You can use something like that, a pump, or even just spoon it over the ice.

Some people feel one packet of Koolaid is not enough flavor. I used two and WOW. It's strong, you need to use WAY less than you would with the store bought stuff. Can't wait to try new flavors.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Limbo

If you follow me on twitter you saw me rant about my doctor drama as it unfolded. Long story short, new doc won't take me on in the middle of a miscarriage and old doc berated me for getting pregnant again and refused to do my follow up care.

It seems unreal right?

Eventually I got the asshole (old doc) to refer me to a high risk doctor. I have to wait for them to fax my records, which are thicker than the phone book, to the high risk and then they will call me for an appointment.

So, right now? I am still technically pregnant. There is no baby, just chemicals, but I FEEL pregnant still. I am tired. Have I mentioned that? So freaking tired.

My hope is that the new doctor will FINALLY do the tests I need to find out what is wrong with me.

Right now, I can't fathom going through this ever again. We desperately want another baby. I think, because of Kai's loss, it will always feel like someone is missing from our family. It's hard to look at my five year old and think that he is our last. None of what is going on right now is happy.

But I will be okay, I really will. I have three incredible little boys and the best husband I could dream of. What more can I ask for, than a man waiting at the door, arms open, saying "we can try again, I love you" and knowing it's OK with him even if we don't.

The next few weeks will be bumpy, as I wait for a physical resolution to this loss.
I was BLOWN away by the support I received on my last post, on twitter and on facebook, you people are all amazing. Thank you again.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Lost

This time I was so hopeful.

I had made it past the mark I lost the last few pregnancies, and was really starting to think this baby would make it. I woke up this morning and felt off. The normal cramps I'd been having were much more painful. I tried to brush it off, but then I had some spotting. Having been down this ugly road five times in the past, I had a sinking feeling.

I knew there was no way I could wait til Monday to know, so I went to the ER. I was lucky, they were empty and they got me in fast. At first the news was good, cervix was closed and no bleeding. They took a gallon of blood and ordered an ultrasound.

I knew. I could see the screen. Even though at the hospital they can't tell you anything, I could see, the sac was too small and empty.

I was sent back to my room to wait for the results. To wait more than an hour, alone. The sinking feeling kept growing, until the doctor walked in the room. Then it bottomed out. The sac was indeed empty, he said it could be just a four week pregnancy. No dice, I have KNOWN for three weeks.

But the real end game was my hcg levels. Two weeks ago, my hcg went from 78 to 155 in 48 hours, an almost perfect double. Today, 13 days later? My level should have been over 10k, it was only 1k.

I burst into tears, horrible ugly tears. I felt crappy for doing it. I try to not to fall apart, but I was really hopeful and this was a crushing blow.

More than likely this is a blighted ovum. Not my first, I had one almost 2 years ago to the month. I am terrified of needing another d&c. No matter what treatment we end up choosing, this will not be over for at least two weeks.

I am tired, so tired. I am also sad, angry, heart broken, and lost. I am more angry than I care to admit, I feel like God is screwing with me. But I am just as angry at myself for getting my hopes up.

Unless my new Dr. finds a miracle reason for all of this, we are done trying for another baby. My heart can take no more.

I wish I could express, what all your tweets, facebook replies, and hugs have meant to me tonight. One thing I don't feel is alone. Thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart.