Holy crap. I have a nine year old! Does this mean I am getting old?
Nine years ago today Noah made his way into the world at 7:43 am weighing a not-so-whooping 5lb 14oz. His size was a total shock since the doctors were thinking he was going to be 8+lbs.
Unlike a lot a babies who are later diagnosed with Autism, he was the sweetest, happiest, easiest baby. He rarely cried and was easy to take along with us everywhere.
Now, here we are nine years later, he went from being a tiny peanut to being damn near as tall as me! An the boy can pack away some food, like an ENTIRE pizza in a meal.
I am so very proud of how far he has come socially and academically this year! He speaks to strangers a little more readily, is starting to read sight words, and is eating lunch in the cafeteria with the other kids in his grade. These may seem like small goals to the average kid, but for a child with Autism and learning disabilities, they are HUGE.
Sometimes life just keeps on throwing curve balls at you and all you can do, is duck and laugh. Or you will go INSANE.
This morning Isaiah felt a little warm. I could not find the thermometer and he was playing just fine, so I figured he was fine. About 2 hours later he came and sat on my lap. The kid was on FIRE. I ran out to the store for a thermometer and fever meds (since our freaking Tylenol was recalled). I took and his temp and FREAKED the poor thing had a 104.6. I called the doctor, because my gut was screaming H1N1. The peds office was booked solid and couldn't get us in til 4:30. I let him take a nap, thinking the meds would kick in. UH NO. He woke up even hotter.
By the time we were seen by the doctor, at 5:15 (the place was MOBBED). He was hardly moving, was randomly twitching, and was in tachycardia. I was a freaking mess. They gave him a big dose of Motrin and tested for the flu and strep.
He tested positive for the Flu. Since the standard flu is not active in Florida this time of year and he has every symptom of H1N1, the doctor diagnosed him with it.
He started Tamiflu tonight. Jordan starts it tomorrow as a preventative, because of his asthma, he is high risk. Noah is not getting any, he is healthy and at an age that is not a high risk.
Say a prayer we caught this in time, it doesn't spread, and Isaiah gets better fast!
While chatting with my oldest friend, she told me that her sister (who I have known since I was 12) thought I was one of the strongest people she knew.
I am feeling really weak right about now. I am an emotional mess and my body is tired. I feel like I have whined about this miscarriage too much. Maybe wallowed in the sorrow too long.
So what makes a person strong? Is it the ability to move through obstacles without a scratch? Or is it the ability to get scratches (hell in some cases, be hit by semi) and keep going?
I have a tendency to complain. No really, I do. Ha ha. Despite this fact, I really try not to dwell on the negative. And my life has had more than its share of negative.
Messed up childhood. check Poverty. check Disable child. check (though this is a challenge, I don't actually see it as a negative, Noah brings more joy than any negative aspects could ever outweigh) Losing baby. check Way too many miscarriages. check
*see I like to whine*
Yet, I am for the most part happy. I have the best freaking husband ever. Seriously he is hot AND like to clean the kitchen. And oh yeah he is a great dad. I three amazing now-not-so-little-boys. I am blessed.
Sometimes I have to smack myself to remember these things. This has been a rough week, I won't lie. I've a pity party and cried over our misfortune. But last night as I crept into each boys room to kiss them in their sleep, I started to cry for a different reason. I have it better than so many people. No matter what life has thrown my way, someone else always has it worse.
Does that make me a strong person? Ha. I have no idea. I look at people like Heather Spohr and Loralee and think of strength.
I have been on a roller coaster that I cannot even find an adjective to describe.
Last week, to our complete shock, I found out I was expecting.
This is the first time I got pregnant without trying. At first I was scared and worried, but after a few days I got excited. Dh was thrilled and hopeful for a successful pregnancy.
On Monday I was more crampy than normal, so I called my doctor for a blood test. The results were not great, but they weren't bad news either. Because of my previous losses, I was more than worried about the numbers not doubling, I was taking home tests every day(okay I was obsessively testing several times a day). One night my test turned much lighter and I knew... The second blood test confirmed it my levels were falling.
Then it was waiting game, for the bomb to drop, the actual miscarriage.
I was, and still am, numb.
I was not very far along and that helps a bit. I think the hardest part is to accept that this was loss number FIVE. Five babies that I was carrying and were never able to be born. With each loss it seems more and more likely that Isaiah will be our last. Being done with baby making is something I have been fighting hard to be okay with, and lets just say, I have not succeeded. I think because of Kai's loss, it feels like we have an empty place in our family, not that another baby will fill that space. But I just feel like our family is not complete.
Unlike my previous losses, I had the support of so many awesome online friends. The support has really helped. I am depressed and hurting, but I know I will survive this. Last night the miscarriage itself hit full force, today I am hurting and drained emotionally.
I have cried. I have yelled. I have been sad. I have screamed at God. Today it has been more of a whimper, I supposed. I just wish I knew why this keeps happening.
I honestly don't know where we will go from here. We have the option of seeking extensive testing (out of pocket) to try to figure out why I suddenly cannot carry a baby. We could also decide to be truly done having babies and for the first time in our marriage do something to prevent pregnancy. I have no idea what to do. I am too tired to think about it today.
Tomorrow, every school child in America was supposed to sit down to hear President Obama speak to them about the importance of staying in school, working hard, and going to college. But unfortunately here in Florida, most of the schools have chosen not to show it. The conservative uproar over Pres. Obama speaking to the children has caused the school boards to decided not to show it.
When I saw this on the news on Friday I felt sick. This is what our country has come to?
It is no secret to those who know me, I am a Democrat, I have been since I registered to vote. I do not feel like in order to be Christian, one needs to be a Republican. I have issues with both parties, but continue to lean to the left. No politician is without fault. I voted for Obama and though there are things he has done since becoming president that make me nervous (the internet bill for one), but he is still our President and deserves respect.*
However, some of the accusations, about this speech in particular, are ludicrous. I have personally read/heard people stating that he is using this speech to BRAINWASH the children. UMM holy hell, if he had the power to brainwash anyone, we would have health care! Along the same lines, I have heard he is going to use it to spread socialist (or communist take your pick) propaganda to the youth. A playground conversation revealed that a friend actually thinks he is a terrorist! (my brain exploded on the play ground!)
People this is a speech about education that is ALL. The man is under INTENSE scrutiny, he is not going to do anything to further aggravate the nuts cases**...er I mean the opposition. Here is the link to the actual speech.
I will let my sons watch it on the internet when we get home from school, since that seems to be the only option. It's just sad to me.
*I will fully admit to talking a fair amount of smack about Bush. However I would have never had a fit or questioned his intent about speaking to school kids.
**and by nut cases I don't mean all conservatives just the ones who may or may not have tin foil on their roofs to stop the satellites from reading their thoughts and/or Obama from telepathically brainwashing the youngins.
I was so freaking excited to try this and it was made even better when I had the coupons to get it free. The Bounce Dryer Bar smelled awesome from the package. The concept is simple enough, skip the hassle of dryer sheets and just stick the bar inside your dryer. It is supposed to last up to four months, I was hoping for it to last two months since we do a crap ton of laundry.
First load of towels came out awesome! Super soft and fluffy and smelled amazing. The second load had 10 pairs of brand new Old Navy boy's jeans. When they were done, I damn near burst into tears, the jeans were all covered in streaks of white goo. I had to scrub and rewash them all. I thought maybe it was only the jeans, because the next load of t-shirts came out OK, but the bar fell off the dryer wall during the cycle (it stuck back on). Flash forward after a week of laundry (no more jeans) the damn thing fell apart, in pieces, in my dryer and got all over clothes again. I would never recommend it!
***this review was in no way solicited by Bounce***
I love babies. I even love the kids that the babies turn into.
In a perfect world where I would be rich and far more fertile, I would have at least six kids. I would also not be high risk, on bed rest most of the pregnancy, and have had too many miscarriages.
We have three living sons. We really hope to have a forth sometime in the near future.
I have been asked on more than one occasion, "Are they ALL yours?" Umm there are only three of them? God forbid I decide to share that we want more. There are usually two responses; first there is the, "OMG WHYYY would you do that?", and the even better, "Ohhh, you want a girl huh*?".
Which leads me to the question, when the hell did it become socially acceptable to voice an opinion on the size of any family?
As you can guess this little tirade is care of the Duggars announcing number 19 is on the way. I personally am in awe she has been able to carry so many healthy babies. I am also not at all surprised she is pregnant again, but you know what? It's none of my damn business, how many kids they have. I am shocked at how strongly people are reacting to the news. I am sure the Duggars are secure in their choice of family size, but I can bet some of the barbs being thrown their way hurt. Now imagine a woman is NOT secure or sure about the size of her family,or doesn't have a huge support system, how does she react when people make rude comments?
I have seen a variety of sides of the family size spectrum. I have a friend who only had one child and for a variety of personal reasons was done with the baby making. For many years she really wanted more children, though she didn't readily talk about it. She had to endure constant questions about "when the next baby was coming?" or comments like "you should have more so your daughter isn't alone". All those comments were hurtful to her. I also have a friend who is pregnant with baby number five. The things people have said to her are equally hurtful and the actual disgust people express is mind-blowing, "you are pregnant AGAIN?" or "why on earth would you want so many kids?". Luckily this friend is in a good place and laughs at those people.
I just wish people would consider that when they make snide comments about family size, they realize that there are people with feelings attached to those comments. Am I saying that people don't have a right to an opinion? No. And of course families like the Duggars open themselves up to public opinion by having a TV show. I am not innocent of this either, I found myself caught up in the OMG AGAIN talk today, this post is just as much to remind me, as it is to rant.
*For the record we are NOT trying for a girl. I really don't care, I just want a healthy baby. That used to seem so cliche to me, but after losing four babies, it's the God's honest truth.